Guess I'm doing Fine

What a great break I've had from everything. It's taken me a little bit of time to get back to this but I'm slowly starting up again. I'm glad to. I've talked and met up with few people and it's been great to be back in touch with church buddies.


My biggest fear about being a parent has been being stuck in mommy groups and being a run of the mill exhausted, frumpy and disheveled mom. I mean my biggest fear as a parent relates more to my child's safety and health but when it comes to me, I don't want to be the norm and I didn't want to associate with moms and go to groups. I've been to a few. The first one I went to I was told "You need to RSVP next time, you can't just show up, that's why there is an invite, we could run out of seats". It was my first time and I was invited by a friend. I'd like to add, there were a total of 4 moms at this event. Including me, my friend who invited me and the girl* yelling at me. We weren't going to run out of chairs. She then proceeded to comment on my boy being in an pj outfit. She was so condescending. I thought to myself, it matched, he's a kid, he doesn't need to be in a full ensemble, he's a baby. She should have been happy he was wearing pants! Anyway, I stayed away from mommy groups for the most part after that. I tried lunch and was given the same bs about not RSVPing and then tried a park with the same group and that's pretty much when I stopped going to groups. Something about people putting on a show and comparing children and treating new parents like they're idiots or awful people because they use formula or don't use organic everything wasn't my idea of a good time. So, we stayed inside for a long time. I think my kiddo was 9 months when we first went to that cupcake shop and then maybe a little under 2 at the last event at the park. I liked my baby. I liked being a mom. I just hated other moms or at least the ones I met at groups.

In October I went to Texas after a sea change (midlife crisis). The pressures of being a mom with a toddler who was very much in the terrible 2 stage and a husband who I just wasn't getting along with. All of these things and not being locked down to a church were enough to push me toward that vacation we never could make time for. This situation was surely brought on by the fact that my 10 year high school reunion was coming up and I met up with an old acquaintance via FB who was seemingly living my dream. He worked at a thrift store, he was making music and was making art.

Food. Lot's of delicious food.

I was with my friend Erika M. at the Zoo thanks to Matt R. 

These were the things I was supposed to do. However, I was at home, cutting coupons, making cakes and raising a child while simultaneously playing hours of Candy Crush and living in a messy house ravaged by a small child half my size. It was a hard reality to face. My life is awesome but somehow the grass is always greener and I missed being on my own. So one week later I bought a bright red MAC lipstick and started spending money while trying to fill the emptiest void I had. Two weeks later, I hopped in the car with my boy and my grandma and took a nice road trip to Ole San Antone. I am a die hard Chicagoan; the love for the White Sox courses through my blood and the bad mouth I have has been groomed through the years as I grew up in Bridgeport. I love Italian Beefs. I love Italian Ice. I love CHICAGO STYLE PIZZA (screw you NY) but for some reason, whenever I miss home, it's San Antonio. I think it's related to Christ and Hilda and wanting to be closer to the root of where I found God. I know he's with me always but sometimes it's nice to revisit the foundation. While in the throws of the sea change (meltdown) prior to the trip I did nothing but cry, take care of Noah and listen to music. I was completely depressed. I didn't want to talk I just wanted to listen to music. So on the way there I did that. I used my mom's GPS and used her Ipod transmitter and talked with my gma for hours. We split as I chose to stay with the most amazing of hosts and my gma decided to stay with family. BLAH BLAH BLAH stuff, friends, food, church, repentance for selfishness, got robbed and then my return to Chicago. It's a long story but I learned a lot. Never have I ever been that far away from Christ and so close at the same time.

My boy thought we were going to McDonalds

No really, I was robbed. They took the GPS, my cell phone cord and my ipod. The things that brought me to San Antonio were taken away, I think it was a God thing. This is why you shouldn't have idols.

One thing I told my husband before I left was that his job was to pray for me and our marriage. So while I was in TX he went to church and I went to church. When I got back we decided to attend church in the neighborhood. We met a few people that day but it was still awkward and we were still being sewn up from where we fell apart so we weren't too eager to befriend people. A few weeks went by and I started to feel like myself again. Certainly a different more realistic self but a wiser and mych better self. We volunteered to help fill Halloween candy bags and met some more people there. It was a nice experience and it was a much smaller church so it was easier to get to know people faster. We only filled bags for about 20 minutes because there were so many volunteers but we finally felt comfortable. A little while later we joined a group and that's when things started to really take off. Suddenly we were invited to a birthday party (for Krista R's son) and joined a bible study. I can only say that God will always use a bad situation and turn it in to something good, something we can edify him with. Now I can see when and how I'm slipping. I know how to pray for certain things and against idols and over romanticized ideas (remember that time I prayed against Led's death being an idol?). Rick and I learned to lean in and not out. I also learned that it was 'okay' to be a mom and be a wife and that I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone has their regrets and everyone has their gifts and there is never a time when we've passed up an opportunity so large that a door is closed forever. I mean, maybe in some instances but those never count anyway. I think that ideology has helped some with the mourning I was experiencing. I was over romanticizing the great parts of the friendship and those parts aren't valid enough reasons to constantly be depressed and to not enjoy life. If anything, I've taken some time to be with my loved ones and even though I haven't been to church in a few weeks I am still seeking the Lord and can feel him right here with me.

While at church in November I noticed the bulletin had a note about a playgroup. I was interested so I checked it out. That's when I met everyone. These people were so different from that last group. They were so welcoming. It's such a difference to be around people who have the biggest commonality that I had aside from offspring; a relationship in Christ. Sure we had kids, husbands and pets, some of us were disheveled, some of us were a total wreck but nobody cared. We talked about our kids and compared them more out of concern and less out of selfish purposes. These are the women I have slowly opened myself up to. I have a great relationship with most and I am genuinely enjoy being around them. I was out of the loop for a while, slightly depressed and busy and Rick and Erika both had stomach bugs so there was no way I was going to be a host and take it to church but yesterday I was asked to show up today for new comers to avoid another cancellation of group. I wasn't too psyched about it but man, I totally needed it. Granted, I saw Kat and J (not sure if I can use her name on here yet) a few days ago as well as Krista R. and Sarah last night but man, I needed to see my kid run around and have fun and feel the sun beaming down while socializing about my boys birthday party and other nonsense. We discussed kids and every once in a while we would bring up God. I appreciated that people were checking up on me (especially Kat) and that everyone was reading the blog and asking how I was doing when I had hard days. I really like my group, it just feels like home now.

Yup, all of that ^ just to tell you I like the kids playgroup that I'm in and I no longer hate moms.


I've never liked this Beck Album: Sea Change but I put it on to try it out right now and it's pretty great. What a fitting definition:

sea change

noun

1.

a striking change, as in appearance, often for the better.

2.

any major transformation or alteration.

3.

a transformation brought about by the sea.

* Yeah I wasn't done venting about this one. She swore like a sailor. She was a wretched woman my age who acted and dressed like she was much younger. I'm talking crap about her now because I'm still mad at how she made me feel and about how she looked down on me and my boy. I love my boy. I'll cut you if you hurt him. I'm a mom. There is a lot more than being a frumpy exhausted mom and wife than meets the eye.

Listening to My Morning Jacket, Album: It Still Moves- Master Plan, Beck: Album: Sea Change- Paper Tiger, Guess I'm doing Fine. Also listening to Eazy E- Real ************ G and Bibo: Album: Hand Cranked.