In the Name of Love

I've always really liked U2. I just did. Reminds me of my mom during the 90's listening to XRT.  It also reminds me of Led and his older brother because apparently a bunch of kids listen to songs from 15 - 20 years before their time and the band is still awesome.

It's been a really great last few days. Back to regular life. Less blogging, hardly any crying and just happy thoughts all around. I really enjoy the time with my husband and boy. I felt a little like I wasn't able to really have fun with them because I was experiencing a loss of someone I really cared about but once I got passed the hurt, everything felt so much better. It's kind of like a migraine, if I could liken death to something so simplistic, you hate your life for as long as you have the migraine. You are sick, nauseous, exhausted and just over all cranky and mad. Sometimes you need a cold pack, sometimes a hot pack. You can't eat, and sleep is 50/50 because even if you're in and out of pain, the nausea keeps you awake and you're reminded of it every time you wake up when you do knock out. Then, after some sleep, you wake up. The first few hours are still slightly crappy. A little headachey, a little grossed out by the thought of food but that stabbing pain in your eye has become a little more dull. Then you have some water, get out of bed, and slowly, you come out of a haze. You go about your business, knowing full well that this could be a trick. You know a migraine could happen all over again if you don't drink enough water or stay out of really bright areas of the house. Then without notice, you are just better. And then the best part comes, maybe it's after food, or maybe it's after taking a shower but it happens, everything is brighter, everything tastes better, everything is better. I know full well that this will happen again, migraines, like death, are unexpected or at least can be, and you never know what will happen except immense amount of pain and prayer. So what do you do to avoid a migraine? You watch your triggers. You spend time with the people you are closest to. You make the best of your time. You treasure the conversations and the time you spend without a migraine because you know it will happen but you never know when. And the symptoms and feelings will be the same but the situation is always different. Just like death.

This is how I explain the death of an old friend that I loved. Everything is better but not forgotten.

This week has been a little busy, the weekends always are, but the conversation I had with Kat about being a possible introvert really resonated with me. I'm introducing more self-care into my life. It's not that I don't want to do stuff, it just might be that I want to do everything and it's too much all the time. Stress is one of my triggers so it would make sense that I have been having migraines for the past few months and I feel this has been the busiest season of my life. So, I'll take my time and slow it down and just enjoy the time I have to spend with people. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Up until now, I've been pretty good about rekindling old relationships via this experiment. With Kat, it's a very new relationship. My first impressions of Kat were- Is She a Christian? She's really pretty; very nice make up and style. She looks amazing after having 3 boys! Like really amazing, like how does one pull that off? And upon my first real conversation with her, I found her to be a little aggressive... Turned out she's just got a type A personality and likes information about food.

The first time I saw her she was in and out of play group. She has 3 children and was going home to give them lunch and a nap. I don't even know how long it took before we actually spoke, she was always either running out, as I always showed up late to group, or she was unable to make it. Truth be told, I only ever started showing up to play group more frequently and on time because Krista would pick me up. One day after a play group I told Krista I didn't like Kat. My words literally were spaced out and very slow coming out of my mouth "I.. don't... like...her". I tried to say it gently but there really wasn't a way to do that. I just didn't like her and I felt awful about that. I couldn't figure her out and felt like she often just ignored me. I will say, in all fairness, it is incredibly difficult to have conversations with adults, especially adults you don't know, when kids are going nuts all around you. Krista laughed it off and assured me that Kat was a really nice person but it might take a little time. I thought to myself, yeah, maybe, but it's been months. So with that I just let it go. Gave it to God and didn't pay mind one way or the other.

As time went on we found a common interest, FOOD. She's very into healthy lifestyle and clean foods so when we started to talk about it, both of us were a little excited. Remember ^ when I said she was a little aggressive and she liked food? That was our first real conversation and I felt like I was being pelted with question upon question before I could get the answer from the last question out. It was hilarious. We talked about dehydrating, juicing, organics and happy meats. I was really happy to have this conversation because I finally got to talk with her and it also reminded me why I liked the healthier lifestyle.

The first time she invited me to the park I was a little nervous. I didn't know if others were invited and had no idea what to talk about. As always, Kat looked pretty. I keep mentioning this because she does it so effortlessly. Who could make a summer shirt and jeans look fancy? Kat! We walked around the neighborhood and then to her place when the kids became restless at the park. We talked about a movie we saw with other moms from our Thursday group. It was just a little after mother's day and I found myself in a van with a bunch of moms, going to go see a movie called "Mom's Night Out". In a moment, I had become a cliche and it hit hard. I told Kat, in confidence, that I cried during the movie not because of the cheese-ball ending but because it was so spot on. She was sympathetic and that was cool because I could see her heart for the first time. She was very gentle and caring while we discussed it (in a five minute conversation) as I tried to get away from the conversation because it's a hard one to have. And this gets me thinking. It's hard for me to get to that point where I realize I'm a mom sometimes. The only thing I have in common with people these days is the fact that I have a child and I'm a Christian. I guess when I think about being a mom I always thought this would be an easy transition. Like, hey, I can be an artist, I just need to bring my kid along. In fact, my dream before I became a Christian was to have a record store and have a kid with me behind the counter and a small dog to keep us both company. BUT NOBODY TOLD ME KIDS NEED NAPS TO GROW!!! You don't really have options when you have kids. Kids really do need to come first. Which is probably why I've been so happy with my one child and not excited to have more and it's possible that these kids of ours are partially the reason why relationships can't grow as quickly. During a conversation with Kat she brought up the same idea about friendships with strangers. Would she be hanging out with the people she hangs out with if we didn't have kids? In truth, the answer is no. Unless it was at a bible study or something, we would never cross paths. We have entirely different interests with the exception of

Kombucha making and clean foods. The time Kat invited me to the park (and then to her house) was when I finally had an opportunity to learn more about her. Maybe the kids were happy playing with their toys and maybe my boy was excited for new toys but that's when things slowed down for us and we finally had a chance to talk. I didn't realize until recently that we hadn't gotten particularly deep in conversations. A million times I've considered talking to her about deeper things but then one of our kids flips out and it's just too hard. And here in the experiment, I am going to say, THAT'S OK! It has taken me months to get to know Kat, and I have kind of only scratched the surface. I figured out that I don't need a deep relationship with someone in order to have a good relationship with them. Krista was right, I really like Kat (now ha ha ha). She's very smart, very disciplined, a Christian woman who is a great mom and wife. Her focus is on her kids and she is a better mom than she thinks she is (I say that because she is a little hard on herself). Her kids are amazing and you know how I feel about kids, they are who they are because of their parents. Oh! She's also got a hilarious attitude about her white couches that is honest and true. Why shouldn't she have nice white couches just because she has kids? It's all about discipline and rules and I can get on board with that. Most importantly, after learning more about who she is through groups and parties and play groups and church, she's a very sweet person and has a generous heart. It does take time to see that side of her though.

Things I've learned from Kat:
You can make your kids respond with "Yes mommy" rather than just a plain old yes.
You can have 3 boys, a dog and a clean house AND be healthy (I really should be trying harder)
You can also find time to look amazing if you get up just a little earlier (and own make up... and know how to apply it)
And last but not least, even though my first batch with her failed, I finally have my first batch of Kombucha because of her.

A final thought, maybe FB can be used to keep up with friends you don't have much time to spend with. Kind of a way to get to know someone outside of conversations because you don't have the time. I used to think if you cared enough about something, you make the time. I'm starting to believe, sometimes, there just isn't enough time in the day, no matter how hard you try.


Listening to U2, Album: The Best of 1980-1990. Also listening to The Smashing Pumpkins, Album: Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness- By Starlight. Pearl Jam- Corduroy.