Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin, Bullet the Blue Sky by U2 and Here Comes the Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze

Oh, so it's been a few months. My goal was to finish off my friends list and be done with this blog in a year. It's coming up so I'll need to step it up to complete it but I think I can pull it off. Or I can just delete people from FB ha!

This is the first picture I took of Seth

So, Seth, he's my brother in Christ. I often tell people and remind him that I treat him like a brother simply because I view him as a brother. I pick on him, Celia and I gang up against him, and overall I just really enjoy joking around with him. When I talk to people about him I light up. I've noticed it and I'm sure others have as well but it's because he is a really good person and kind of a breath of fresh air when it comes to the crazy people I've met as an adult. He's a great husband, a great father, uncle, friend and Pastor. He's certainly flawed just like the rest of us and he's usually the first one to point it out but he's genuine and it's difficult to find people like this. I'm always shocked that there are still people who are humble and who were raised with such love and care that they want to make the world a better place, they believe they can do it and they do their damndest to follow through.

He knows what's going on here, he probably called me out on it

I met Seth along with Celia (his dope ass wife) while volunteering at Breakthrough Urban Ministries. I was invited to volunteer by my uncle and I had heard about the church he attended but I had never visited. I could be totally wrong about where I met Seth, I could have met him at a Prayer Night, in fact, now that I think about it, I am 100% sure I met him at a prayer group but I know for sure I met Celia at Breakthrough so I'll just lump them together because they're married and one flesh anyway. If I recall correctly, we were discussing Chili that night and how he cooks his and I was amazed at how quick he was to share all of his secrets with me. I'm incredibly secretive about my recipes but he was so excited to talk Chili and we just hit it off. Now, I think about his approach to recipe sharing and aside from the tortilla that's supposedly a company I've formed, I don't have a problem sharing my recipes anymore. I've wondered if he was open to sharing because he wanted others to enjoy it as much as he does or if it was because no matter what anyone does, no one will ever be able to perfectly duplicate it. I'm of the latter frame of mind :). Aside from that Prayer night and random Breakthrough nights I didn't really know much about him until I started to attend the bible study that I'm in now. Somehow, I became somewhat of an organizer of said group and it's worked out pretty well. I send a text twice a week and set up a meeting time and place that works for everyone. I enjoy what I've learned and I love our group. Reading the Bible is a struggle for me but this group made it easy. I still get a little anxious but there aren't very many expectations except we try to be timely when we show up and even that is lax because we do recaps every meeting. Our Bible study is small, in total there are about 6 of us that attend regularly so it's easy to just ask what's going on if we've missed. Seth has a wealth of information. So much so that it's taken us about 9 months to get through the 5 chapters in the Book of James. We took it apart piece by piece, were given lots of background which really helped me to understand how and to whom it was written but also, it's just a heavy book and it was important to read it the way we did. I will say, yes, it took us months and I like to remind him and pick at this fact at almost every meeting we hit up but it's been worth it. He's a fantastic teacher. Also, we did have a bit of a hiatus when it came to holidays and birthdays so it wasn't a full 9 months but it's been a long series for 5 chapters. I appreciate that he is the type of Pastor that is actually willing to take the time for anyone who has questions and that makes it all the easier for us to attend I think. If it were a very stuffy conversation I think I would have checked out a long time ago. I need structure, but not too much and I need to ask a million questions and Seth's Bible Study provides just that. I'd also like to mention that out of the 6 of us, 3 of us don't attend his church regularly and I think this is important to note. When it comes to churches and memberships I've always thought there was a heavy expectation to be associated with your church home and with the groups they've established. I do have other groups I've been a part of but I didn't feel like I've gotten quite that much of a connection to what I've read as I have during these last few months. So much so that after the second meeting I was able to immediately apply what I had learned to assist someone in crisis. There is a hell of a lot of accountability but the expectations and pressures are different. His teaching style is laid back but very well thought out. He uses analogies that work for everyone and can dumb it down if the situation calls for it. He also likes to use his amazing vernacular to enhance lessons and will stop and explain it in other ways so everyone understands. I can ask him anything and he's like an encyclopedia, he can just toss out the information like it's nothing. I think he's one of those weirdos who enjoys reading or something because he's always doing research. If ever I've asked a question that he doesn't have an answer to, he's pretty good about following up and giving me the answer by the time I see him at group again. These are all fantastic attributes for a Pastor to have, especially one who is leading a group of people who are all at different parts of their walk, who attend different churches or don't attend church at all.

Martin and Seth, I was trying to sneak this photo

Speaking of, okay, so I'm sure you're wondering why I haven't left my church to attend theirs after all of the above mentioned, my answer is easy, I fell in love with my church. I will say I've been heavily tempted to try out there church but I also love my church family and I'm not prepared to uproot my family, no matter how amazing the teaching of the Pastor leading is. I want to visit on days when I'm running late to my church but we've actually done a pretty good job of showing up on time when we attend so there hasn't been much of an opportunity. I do attend a lot of their church functions though and I guess have to thank Richard for that because he's always inviting me. Celia reaches out to me now about functions and so does Aaron but I usually see Rich a few times a week so it's likely to come up during conversation before I'm invited via other MPC peeps. Overall, church has never been something I've been excited to go to. I do it out of obedience to God. I am interested in the McKinley Park Church but the time frames are too long for me to commit to. I love my church but I'm always looking at the phone trying to get out. MPC service breaks down for worship, specific prayer and then a message. These are all very powerful parts and I don't doubt the impact that those parts have but I know it goes long. Plus we are pretty established and my kid is happy in his group as well. I'd hate to mess with that more than we already do.

Yep, Goof Ball Bro In Christ, his wife is the same way

So, if you know me at all, you know I'm the type of person who likes boundaries, rules, fairness and structure. I've been pretty careful in my Christian walk to not get too close to the opposite sex because I'm conservative with all of my relationships and was taught that women should mentor women and men should mentor men. Somewhere along the way, it translated to I shouldn't have any new guy friends which I now can look at and make better decisions based on the relationships I have as well as my walk with Christ. I know that temptation and idols exist. I'm not stupid to this fact and I do my best to always make sure that I'm never alone with a guy but if I'm being completely honest, I feel very safe meeting with Seth. I do my usual prayer I do when meeting almost any of my friends to make it edifying to God and make sure that things don't get too gossipy or lead into just complaining but I've also prayed for him to be a brother to me. In real life, I have 2 biological brothers. I don't have contact with either of them so I wasn't sure what it would be like to pray for a brother but I think I found it easily in Seth. The couple of times I've met with him alone (at a coffee shop) have been awesome because there wasn't a little guy tugging for our attention. And the few times we met and I've had my kiddo with me and my kid was acting a fool, Seth has always been gracious and understanding with him. He's shown endless love to my kid, has been quick to forgive and redirect him when he stole a magnet from his house and that's not something he needs to do. He's a good role model of how to be with other people's kids and I appreciate that. He's also easy to talk to, he bores me with baseball facts (like I assume a real brother would do) but I've accidentally learned a lot about baseball and am happy about the knowledge he's shared. He talks about literature and schools me on the Bible while discussing coffee and asking opinions from me or anyone who is around while simultaneously finding a way to intently listen to the answers that I or anyone else gives. I wish more people were like this.

Below are some of the more important lessons I've learned from him:

• The book of James is about a lot of different ideas but the image of God refining us and building our character through tumultuous times is what helps to bring us closer to Christ and closer to what He wants us to be - this stood out for me, especially the analogy that involved molten gold and the refining process... considering I've done metalsmithing
• When Jesus was baptised in the River Jordan, The Word, The Holy Spirit and The Father were all at the same place at the same time. It's an amazing image. I'm still holding on to it.
•  Pastors swear, especially Seth! Especially when discussing sports!! And, Rubbish is the equivalent of shit.
• I can, in fact, have new guy friends. I have been unsure of this for almost 10 years but now with lots of prayer, discerning my situation and my Brother in Christ, I feel comfortable with it. It's really cool to not be locked in to only relationships with ladies. I enjoy them but I've always been really comfortable with guys and I'm happy to welcome that part of life back- with wisdom of course. 
• The Cardinals lock out the Cubs almost every year and they are mortal enemies. This is great.
• I'm in love with his wife. I thought I was friends with Seth but it turns out it was just God's way of leading me to Celia :)

Taking pics on the creep

Somethings I'd like to share about McKinley Park Church

• It's a small home church mostly composed of family and friends that derived from a broken church that I used to attend 
• They actively work within the McKinley Park community to build relationships with people in the area as well as have a great love to help the homeless in the area
• They do a backpack ministry where they provide backpacks filled with toiletries, foods, etc. to homeless people and make it a point to make relationships and talk with their homeless friends
• They participate in volunteering at Breakthrough Urban Ministries once a month where they create a menu, provide the food and serve 30 women at the shelter
• The church as a whole is small but they all share the same heart, the need and love to serve and a wonderful love of Christ that shows in every person's actions and being.

So, this is my blog about Seth.

Playing with a slinky today at Bible Study... we were all in deep
conversation...

I've been listening to U2, Led Zeppelin and Elliott Smith. I couldn't find anything that reminded me of Seth or anything that we necessarily had in common music wise so I just listened to Aaron's copy of Houses of the Holy which is actually a pretty funny title for this post considering he's a pastor of a home church and perhaps some might consider him Holy. Also listening to INXS and Ini Kamoze because I'm a lyrical gangster. 

Say Goodbye- Beck and Use Once and Destroy- Hole

Apparently, I haven't posted since January 14th, 2015. Today is April 20, 2015. Sorry about that, I'm apologizing to you, my three readers :)

It's been an eventful few months. I've been around so many people, have had a lot of fun, feel pretty exhausted and still a bit emotional at times, so it seems life is back to normal. My initial intention was to write about Arthur but I have yet to hang out with him and would like to do some real catching up with him now that he's back in town before we delve into the story of Arthur and I. I will say, I often beat him in Words with Friends but we just keep playing.

I was sick for a while after my birthday. Then a flu went around and a bunch of people were sick. Last week my husband was sick and right now my son is just as the cusp of free and clear from being sick with a stomach bug that he took like a champ. I'm hoping to remove him from quarantine and stop washing the sheets and pillows everyday because he'll no longer be contagious!!! The praise belongs to God as I have yet to get sick and God willing, I won't get sick. Honestly, after taking care of these boys, I'm way too exhausted to get sick.

Since my last post Erika had an accident which left her with a forever concussion. I say forever because it felt like forever but it was at least a month. She was just cleared by her neurologist and physical therapist not too long ago. Thank God for her BF- I'm not sure how we all would have managed to assist without him being there for her.

I witnessed a child get a concussion, enjoyed a trip to the ER with said child and friend and then everything was cool.

Took my son to the ER just to be laughed at and told that he only needs to drink a bunch of milk to poop out the penny he ate.

Found out our insurance is a joke and none of us can go to hospitals we want to go to. To that I say "Thanks Obama!" I'm still working out some issues with it, hope to have some answers soon. I'm not even sure if I'm insured right now because people who signed us up for the PPO we have, have no idea what they are doing. And with that, you get to know that I have an almost $2000 bill, and guess what, I'm not paying for it! Someone will pay for it and if I do have to pay for some of it, it's not an issue, it's really just about the principal behind it. I hate incompetence.

I had two craft shows back to back and only sold 2 items in two days. It was discouraging so I took a little break but I'm ready to get some nice pictures done and work on an etsy account. People show a lot of interest but honestly, I wouldn't pay that much for an apron lol, in fact, I would just make it :D

I'm ready to sell all of my cake pans because it's been almost a year since I've made a cake and I have too much stuff. People keep trying to talk me out of it but let me tell you, the end is near.

There has been some stuff I have been dealing with in my personal life that I don't care to go in to. You would think that with a blog where all I do is talk about people and myself at great lengths without hesitation, I would be more forthcoming but honestly, it's been a rollercoaster and I don't want to think about it. No, it's not personal to me and my husband or child but it's close and it hurts just the same.

I did a mass wipe of people on Fb. There are still more people I would love to get rid of but can't because it would cause drama. I had a few interviews lined up and I have some cool stories to tell about people I hung around with but I won't be discussing it in this post.

I've been in a weird place lately. I'm not sure why exactly, could be exhaustion or just lack of energy after all of the above mentioned but I seem to be a little bit more reserved about who I want to keep in my life. Almost like I'm okay with letting go of a lot of people I used to hang out with or that maybe they just aren't key players in my life anymore. It's a crappy way to feel because I genuinely care for everyone I know, however, I just feel like I would rather not be around people I don't have much in common with anymore. Maybe this is the jaded or realistic path that shows itself as you get older. Not sure if I'm wiser but I do feel like I want to be around the people I want to be around and feel pretty good about that. I can see I'm just rambling but it's cool, only three of you are reading this :D

^ this is probably a direct result of all the Beck I'm listening to right now.

I've thought about Kevin a lot lately. I only play Led Zeppelin and U2 in the car as they are the safest albums I own that can be listened to around the kid. So, obviously this brings up memories. I guess I also wonder if other people think about people who passed away. It's still such a strange feeling to know someone you were close to was here and now they're not. It's not like losing contact, or maybe it is, it's just that contact is forever and there is still so much unknown out there. I don't cry or anything, I just think about how strange death is and how I think about cool or funny moments when certain songs play. Mannerisms and things like that are easy to remember when you spend a few years with someone while listening to the music you're listening to in your car on the drive to buy groceries.
I will say, I do think I want to contact Keith and ask about Kevin's ipod. It would be cool to listen to some of the music he was listening to before he passed. I've stayed within a certain timeframe when it comes to music and I'm curious to see if Kevin did the same or if he learned about a bunch of cool music that I've never heard of.

So let's have a happy story about someone I've hung around... let's see... let's see...

OH YEAH!!! I FORGOT!! I slammed the car door shut on my thumb the other day and Erika and her BF took care of my boy while I hung out at the hospital. And then they gave me delicious pizza!!!! Rick was at home as the stomach bug had just reared it's ugly head that morning. And so with this simple act of taking care of my son for an entire day, taking care of him at the hospital and letting him drain batteries from phones I say, Angel is officially off of his five year probation with me. I think it may have been down to three years but it's off now so it doesn't matter. He's done an amazing job with Erika, she's pretty happy, and waited in the hospital with her and my kid on a Saturday night without hesitation. I will never give a stamp of approval to anyone trying to steal Erika from me, but if I did, I'd consider giving it to Angel. And see, all it took was long hours of taking care of sick or ailing people!

Oh and on another note, a musical note, man I'm hilarious, I was listening to Hole's first album "Pretty on the Inside" which I was able to listen to because I had a free day while my kid was with Erika and Rick was in bed and I have to say, that is a great album. I guess I thought it wasn't as good because I had mixed up some of the tracks from that album and My Body the Hand Grenade and thought it was a bit louder than it was. I listened to it the other day and man, it was a grear listen. Very raw and heavy grunge. It was like being in 8th grade again.

Listening to albums; Beck: Modern Guilt, Hole: Celebrity Skin.

Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans

The other day I wrote about my friend Valencia. While it came out beautifully and I was happy with it, if I'm being honest, my original intention was to write about someone else. Though, as I waited for a response from my friend about the next post I started reading through Valencia's profile, posts and our messages, I thought it was important to pay tribute to a super wonderful Godly woman. The text I sent asked if it was okay to write about them. They were such an important part of the story. They are a friend and we were very close for a lot of years, one year in particular while we were teens. I received a text back simply saying "I'd rather not. Thank you for asking and your consideration". Honestly, I don't even know why I sent the text, I mean I always ask but it's just a formality to let them know that I will be writing about them, less about permission. So many people have been supportive and open about our friendships, their personal stories and have been incredibly cool about me writing about them. Maybe I was too harsh in other posts? Maybe my friend thought I would paint them in a bad fashion? I've been on the receiving end of not so happy remarks from friends, so that would make sense. Or maybe this person is more private and conservative now that they are in a long term relationship and have a family. Honestly, I didn't probe. My response was "yup" and that was it. I will say though, I was incredibly hurt, if I think about it, I'm still a little hurt because rejection is something I'm pretty unfamiliar with. There is also the whole not feeling like I'm trusted by my friend but I'm sure it's a matter of privacy and I need to stop taking things personally.

 During the entire project I've been pretty quiet about certain things, I've mentioned how I met people and how I have come back into contact with them via fb. I talk about the coffee dates or lunches where we meet up after all the time that has passed but I don't tell secrets. Before I discuss anything personal, I ask about it. Or I just don't discuss it. I don't intentionally talk crap, my perspective is honest and it's just that, my perspective. I guess, people have pasts and sometimes it's important to leave it there; in the past.

Oh yeah, so I'm just going to use Kevin's name from now on. I remember him a lot. When you live in Chicago and see the same places that you used to visit with old friends, it's hard not to remember. Coming in from the burbs, there is a particular spot that I love. It's on the highway, where the skyline is big and beautiful and it's Chicago. The first time I saw it as a 21 year old was with Kevin. We were coming in from the burbs with his little brother. Speaking of, I spoke with him just a little after Thanksgiving. It was so great to hear his voice. I missed him. It was awkward and I was honest about that. I was also honest about the reason why I hadn't called, I thought too much time had passed. I thought about them on Thanksgiving because this was the first holiday without him. He mentioned that the last time he saw Kevin was 2 years ago at Thanksgiving. Christmas was coming up and I saw in between shows but I was happy to chat with him. He and I still need to get together for coffee but I'm not sure when that will be. I am a little worried about him because he's young and I'm always going to kind of feel a need to care for the kid I used to babysit but he's made some healthy choices lately regarding his family and he has a new job and a new apartment. There was one major thing we discussed outside of the second funeral and time he spent in Mexico which was Kevin's tox results. When Kevin passed away he was found by his father, still warm to the touch. As his dad tried to wake him, Kevin was unresponsive. Medics were called to the scene but they were unable to revive him. He was a drinker and his past had some light drug usage so it was a little scary to wait for the results. Hoping it wasn't self inflicted (well yes it's still self inflicted but you know what I mean) and hoping that there would be a clear cut answer was the main thing. The results came back as Alcohol poisoning. There was a feeling of relief and a feeling of sadness. All those what if's come up. His father mentioned he was warm to the touch when he began his visit with Kevin. After all the thoughts that raced through my head it didn't matter. He was still gone and It's heartbreaking that my friend couldn't get out from under his addiction. It's scary when I think about how many people have these issues and how they can destroy whole lives and the lives around them. Did you know, I stopped drinking when I became a Christian. It didn't really matter much except to say that I was dry for 2 months. The week I was leaving I went out for dinner and drinks with some close friends. I had a few drinks but was cautious. The same week, during my trip from Texas to Memphis to Chicago with Erika, we had some drinks but we were too exhausted and dehydrated from the vast amount of caffeine to drink. And then I arrived back in Chicago and met Kevin again. And it was lust and excess. Old emotions and infatuation and idols and drinking was fun because it was all on him. Okay so it was mostly fun except when I broke out in hives... which was like day 2 of drinking in Chicago, my family members have this weird allergy if we don't have alcohol for a long period of time and then consume it, we break out in hives... I still have no idea what I'm allergic to. So as Nicole would say, we broke the seal. It was my first time I completely walked away from Christ. I tried to get back to Christ and eventually did, even was able to bring Kevin to church with me but when we stopped seeing each other we didn't keep in contact. I guess he kept drinking and I went back to Christ.
There are tons of stories that I could talk about because when you spend your life following the tragic stories of music and movies you think that first love is it. Even if it's not reciprocated. Sometimes you find out that the person is in love with someone else, someone you're close to and there is nothing you can do about it except accept it. 

I once had a teacher that had a couple of books published. She said that you never ever erase what you've written, you only put a line through it. You'll find me doing that from time to time, especially as I talk in my next post.

Thank God for Arthur Avalos, my first real best friend.

Gran Tourismo by The Cardigans. Mechanical Animals- Marilyn Manson. Posthuman - Marilyn Manson, Excuse Me Mr., Happy Now - No Doubt, Dried Up, Tied and Dead to the World - Marilyn Manson.

Maybe God Is Trying To Tell You Something (Speak Lord)- Tata Vega

So I've been on hiatus. Not intentionally, I actually thought about blogging a lot but between stomach bugs, colds, church, family events and the holiday season, I really haven't had much time. I also haven't seen very many people outside of the same bunch of people I see on the daily. I've also been working alot and even making a little money... don't fool yourself, it's nothing substantial. I will say though, It's been great to produce something that people want to buy. The people pleaser in me is incredibly happy about that.

I spent a bunch of time with Celia. Mike and I did a show back in early December but she's been sick and I'm a germaphobe so that doesn't really work very well. I see Sarah pretty regularly which is great considering the crazy that is her life with an infant. And Erika is apparently someone I see only on holidays now amongst a sea of people because her work schedule is so damn annoying for regular life. Did I mention she lives ridiculously far away... so lame. And don't even get me started on the guy ;)

So since the last time I wrote a lot has happened. It was the holidays, it's a new year. We celebrated birthdays and Christmas and New Years and then suddenly but not so suddenly I lost a friend. Her name is Valencia. She was such a wonderful woman. Truly a woman of God. She had cancer. Not sure how far along it was when she was diagnosed but she was also a fighter. We had a conversation about a year ago and something in the spirit told me cancer. I did some random research about some of the stuff she was talking about on FB and she mentioned she did some research of her own but the Dr's didn't see anything so they didn't even check for cancer. Man, looking back at the old messages I just realized that from 1 year ago, with no signs of cancer to now, where she is gone, it was a very short span of time. She hadn't been diagnosed yet but she mentioned that initial issue she was having and I just knew what it was. I was very specific with her about praying and going to the church elders to pray over her for healing but I'm not sure what came of it. I do know that in all her dealings, in every conversation I had with her, it revolved around Christ. I didn't think about it when I first found out that she passed but I really will miss her. I didn't have much interaction with her so her passing didn't really hit me until right now because I know exactly where she is. She is up in heaven praising God without any pain.

I met Valencia at work a few years back. I worked at a law firm during the start and worst parts of the recession. It's always hard to tell about the policies or rules that affect you as a Christian until you end up in a situation or conversation about God. It was difficult to always be walking on eggshells, trying not to offend and trying to be politically correct when everyone else isn't is hard to do in an environment that literally was devoid of God. Honestly, I can't even tell you how we met except to say that I would compliment her hair all the time because I was so amazed that it was ever changing and styled differently almost every single day*.  I believe she came in sometime after me. She was nice and cared so deeply about God that you could see some of him on her. When I think about a hedge of protection about someone, she easily comes to mind. One day out of nowhere she said, "I'm going to pray for you". She then proceeded to bust out some oil and she anointed me with it. I don't really know what the prayer was about but she prayed while I was walking through the cubicles on the way to my desk. Just right there, smack dab in the middle of a bunch of people and you know me, the scaredy cat that I was, was more focused on what people were going to say as they passed us, rather than being in the moment with her. I'm not sure if I was in church at the time of this anointing but if I was then it would explain all the crazy stuff that happened while I attended CCC. If not, then it would explain why I'm still searching for the path that God want's me to be on. Anyway, back to the story, so there she was, just praying over me, specifically something to do with my hands, maybe that's where she put the oil but she just told me that God told her to pray for me so there you have it. And the crazy thing, while we were on the clock, while it was quiet and people are known for calling people out and getting in trouble for lollygagging, not a damn person noticed. So yeah, that's what I mean by hedge of protection. She attended a church on the East Side, I once went to an early morning prayer at like 4 am or something in a not so great part of town. It was definitely a new experience, random people walking through a desolate and semi rundown area. We had to park by an empty dark park. My skin color didn't match anyone else's. I held men's hands (which I hadn't done in years) while my husband and I prayed. I saw her, we prayed over a poster of children and that was it. I'd see her at work, attended one service with her on Sunday during regular hours but it was very long and Rick prefers a more conservative atmosphere for service so we didn't go back. I will say, I liked that church very much. She and I kept in contact through the years. I eventually left my job when I had my kiddo and she and I were Fb friends. She added me to her daily scripture texts. I used to get one every morning. At one point I thought I would just ask her to stop sending the text because I saw them on Fb but they were nice reminders to wake up to so I didn't. Then they became infrequent but I figured it was just a busy season. And then one day I saw a post on Fb about how she had now gone on home to the Lord. I didn't realize she was as sick as she was. She was always a fighter. I thought she would beat it. She was young enough but I guess God has his reasons and as I reflect on my relationship with her I can easily say she was a wonderful woman of God and he called his baby home. I'm sad as I write this but I know she is happy. I'm sorry for her friends and family she left behind but she was a beautiful woman and although we had her for a short time, she made such an impact.

I was reading through our old conversations and a few things stood out to me so I've included them below:

• Conversation started December 6, 2011
• 

  12/6, 10:39am
  

  Renee Diaz
  

  
  

  
  

  You are such an inspriation to me. I strive to be like you - which in essence it just like Christ. I thank God for you! May he bless you infinately!

• December 6, 2011
• 

  12/6, 6:14pm
  

  Valencia ServingavictoriousGod Williams
  

  
  

  
  

  Thank You & Bless you.. It is my continuing effort to continue to be like Christ in ALL that I do.. God gets all of the glory!
• • July 19, 2012

• 

  7/19, 3:16pm
  

  Valencia ServingavictoriousGod Williams
  

  
  

  
  

  But I would really ask God.. What it is that he wants you to do and for Him to lead you where he wants you to go.. "Thy Word oh Lord is a lamp unto our feet and a Light unto our Path".. I'll be praying with you..

The last posts she had on Fb were pictures of Christmas trees that her nursing staff had brought to her, a picture of her daughter's grades and a picture of a bed pillow that her oncology team provided to her. She also had a picture of a baked loaded baked potato back in November. She made it to another birthday on December 27th and passed away on January 1st. In every one of the photos she is tagged in her infectious smile is showing.

These are her last texts to me. I have them saved on my harddrive.

 

 * Yes they were wigs but I didn't know it until she didn't wear them anymore and she looked great in all of them and in her natural state.

Listening to Hole, Elliott Smith, Beck and Awolnation. Also listening to

Tata Vega - Maybe God Is Trying To Tell You Something (Speak Lord)

Album: Antics by Interpol and Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

He's single... 

While in Spanish class I sat next to a friend and we were singing a song I didn't know all of the words to. This seems to be a common trend with me but anyway, I also had no idea who sang it.

Me: "Paranoia, paranoia everybody's coming to get me... just say you never met me... I wonder who sings this song"
Ricky: (says something inaudible)
Me: (oh the cute guy said something) What?
Ricky: Harvey Danger
Me: (Oh... he's gay) thanks.

And through this common exchange we became Best Friends (I feel like the word Forever is implied)

I was on about 2.5 hours of sleep... and yes I love my tshirt.

Most of our conversations immediately turn to trashing or swearing or incoherently discussing things. We've discussed a possible blog but I feel like I would be shunned from family and friends if we did it. Who we are together is who we have always been around one another and for some reason the dynamic has not changed very much since high school. Could we have an intelligent conversation? Sure, but why should we when we can be complete idiots with each other? I don't think I have this type of relationship with anyone else in the world. Mostly because it's incredibly vulgar and repulsive (that's what she said! <---- you see this?). We came to the conclusion that the reason why we are so far apart is because we would get in to a lot of trouble together if we still lived in the same city. Yes, I will be 30 in a few months.

I should note that there are many many jokes between us that nobody can touch, so here are some things about us that you can know but won't get to be a part of:

1. Things we care about: Renee's birthday on January 9th. Things we don't care about: Ricky's birthday, sometime after January 9th, which is why nobody cares and nobody knows when it is. It could be the 13th but again, nobody cares. Why are we still discussing this?

   

   Coca Cola spokesperson... maybe... sure beats that hoochie drink Big Red! Bam! Said it!

2. The reason why Ricky is not straight and I am a woman OR the reason why I am not a man when Ricky is gay- We would inevitably take over and then ruin the world. It would all come to an end, a horrible, disgusting end.
3. This one time we were waiting for the bus and one of us said something like: "Aw man I wish we had wings..." and the other replied "so we could fly to the bus". We are still in agreeance to this very day and probably still just as lazy.
4. My favorite game was when we would have conversations with one another while reading book titles at Barnes and Noble or while driving on the highway. We once had a small audience.
5. He is smarter than me. This is something that I can freely admit because he actually is. He's included me in his "smart friends" list but I know it's only because of my common sense approach to life and so that I won't feel bad. He reads and learns and is a jerk for it. Due to the above admission I feel like I should mention something about him, the one thing he couldn't do in high school. Do you know what he couldn't do? He couldn't get a higher grade on his Spanish class than me. Oh want to know something else? I copied all of his homework and he helped me through the class. Kind of a slap in the face isn't it? The person you help gets a higher grade than you- kind of burns huh? What if I told you that said person with the higher grade happened to see an opportunity and took full advantage of being in the front row on the day of the final and happened to notice that the last four answers to the final were written on the back of the teachers' paper as she read off of it. Truth be told, I wasn't the only person who noticed. One of our friends' noticed as well and we had higher grades than Ricky. Still burns, doesn't it... ha! Ya burnt!

   

   One of the many nights I was picked up and whisked off somewhere to eat or watch a movie

6. Ricky taught me how to dance in his apartment parking lot. I didn't know how to do anything. Now I can be a stripper if I wanted to (no I don't want to). The song he taught me to dance to is Michael by Franz Ferdinand. Yes, you read that correctly, I learned how to dance like a stripper by a man. 
7. I am still learning about the Birds and the Bees and he recently filled me in on a bunch of stuff I didn't know. TMI? Maybe, but it's the truth. He's so very scientific about the approach that it's difficult to not think I'm learning from a teacher or something. Surprisingly, there is very little vulgarity during the Q and A of these conversations.
8. 
9. Without rhyme or reason we assigned ourselves as "Bloods" and he taught me gang signs. I never could figure out the Crypt Killa sign!
10. He tried to teach me my right from my left and simply explained that my right was my trigger finger... I explained that in terms of gun usage I would most likely be ambidextrous and still have a hard time with my right/left... yes, I said I was almost 30. 
11. He is the only person I was allowed to go out with until all hours of the night. He was able to pick me up at 10 pm and bring me back super late... like 3am... it actually happened on a school night a few times. We watched movies, ate and hung out. Also, his dad would always give him money to "take me somewhere special"... because he thought I was his girlfriend or hoped I would turn him straight. 
12. I never tried to 'make him straight". I did consider kissing him once but didn't and it was a desperate idea that came about at a low point. Also, I will say, we were very close so I did have issues with him choosing to hang with his boyfriend when they got serious. Also, I hate most of his girlfriends for hitting on him. 
13. In high school I started to call him Ricky. Most people still call him Richard. I also call him Gumby... He calls me Pokey. 



Deer in the headlights look...

14. There was no Jesse.

True story... maybe.

He was probably 16 here

So aside from all of the messing around and fun we've had I'm going to tell you why I hold this guy to such a high regard, He was there when I dated all of my boyfriends in high school. He is the person I went to when I was literally slapped in the face by my ex and consoled me after I drove all the way to San Marcos from San Antonio. He slept on the floor as I slept on the couch in the common area at the university. He fed me Sonic numerous times, he taught me about music and graphically (and I mean in explicit detail) taught me about the birds and the bees. He was part of our group and the person I preferred to all of my friends. He helped me keep my dignity with the wrong guys, danced with me to Interpol when I thought I should hit a honey bear bong after being pot free for about 5 years and even when I was a jerk to him, and I was, as I did leave him after we had plans many times because a guy called, he never once judged me. Never. He accepted me for who I was. Even his mom accepted me (sorry about the DUI/Tickets after Ricky hung out with me while we were underage drinking and he was speeding... and thanks for picking me up on the side of the road that one time at some ungodly hour and trying to talk sense into me).

I was probably 17 here. Size 3!

Ricky sided with me always, trashed talked people he knew and liked if I was pissed off at them and even though we don't hang out much now, if ever I needed to hide a body, he'd be at my door with the shovel, a car and some bleach. Last year when the sea change was going down he talked me into making sane decisions and talked me out of irrational ideas that I had come up with. He explained that what I was going through was a long time coming, was normal and I just had to accept it. And when I decided not to listen to him, as I always do, he helped fixed me. He is the only person (besides Rick and maybe Erika) who knows me better than myself and he is the only person who knows the whole story. A few people know parts, but he knows everything because he get's the late night calls when I'm struggling. Mike may know a lot of it too but she was in Italy when I was falling apart last year so she got the aftermath. Also, both Erika's were there for it as well.

When I got to Texas last week I thought we would hit First Friday and see what was popping. He asked that Erika M. and I meet him at a place called the Friendly Spot... I didn't know if this was some gay hangout in a dark park but Erika knew what it was and we walked from her perfectly parked car over to him.
It ended up being a little restaurant area where there were kids playing on a jungle gym at 9:40pm at night*. He was there in the crowd wearing one of his trademark t-shirts (one of the only people I know who can pull of these types of shirts) but First Friday was lame and maybe it's because I'm slightly stuck up but I felt like it was really commercialized and the galleries I went to see were closed so that was even more annoying. We walked around for a bit and hung around the Blue Star area. I can't tell you anything we talked about because, well, you'd all be offended.

So here are some old pictures:

At Sonic

At Mama Margie's

At Sonic

Mars, our dog who was lost as soon as I moved away to Chicago. I still regret leaving him behind.

Here are some pictures from Blue Star:

Ricky and Erika M.

This blurry picture about sums up 30 some odd hours of no sleep on my road trip

Honestly, I missed hanging out with him. I wish we could have done more but these 3 hours (if that) were the only time we saw each other during my most recent trip to San Anto! We tried to go dancing a few times but it just didn't work out. He didn't come to eat pizza on my last night in town, nor did he come to the bbq at Jen's house but I wasn't really surprised. He's a busy boy with a lot on his plate and I think the friendship doesn't require that I see him the entire trip. I do think if I had gone there alone or sans Rick it may have been a bit different but seriously, I had a great time this night even if all we did was sit at a bench on S. Alamo and hang out.

He is single gentlemen. Maybe single and looking... not quite sure. He has a great job, a great personality and really loves music and movies. Also, he's very interested animals, biology and all things that boys like and yes I'm generalizing here but the guy still climbs trees so yeah, I don't care.

Led-
I haven't mentioned him in a while because I haven't written in a while. I think about him daily. For the rest of my life I will remember him when a Led Zeppelin song comes on. Same goes for U2. Can't seem to shake it even when I try. I have noticed that some songs by Red Hot Chili Peppers really sting. I can't believe he's gone. It feels so weird. I know that I will never run in to him again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but there was a time when everywhere I looked I saw him. Super strange but it still happens when I see someone that shares a characteristic of his. The song Since I've Been Loving You came on while we were driving to Chicago this one time and I remember holding hands and he kept trying to let go to shift gears but I didn't want to let go. He gently pulled away and brought his hand back to mine as soon as he shifted gears. I think of that moment every time I hear this song. The impact of music. Likewise, I call Ricky every time I hear Flagpole Sitta or Total Eclipse of the Heart and sing a very vulgar rendition while screaming into what is most likely his voice mail.

Note: Kids, if you are reading this, don't cheat in school. It's not a good thing to copy off of someone's homework nor is it right to cheat on a final exam. If you have to cheat then you deserve to get caught. You should have studied. Heed my words!!! Also, another life lesson, if you are ever guilty, ah I shouldn't be saying this, but deny, deny, deny. I still don't know if my ex cheated on me because I'm 100% sure he lived by this motto. It's harder to deny the truth as a Christian but it still comes to mind. Now I just try to always tell the truth which makes life easier.

Listening to: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger, Grimes- Oblivion, Black Eyed Peas, Franz Ferdinand, At the Drive In, and Sneaker Pimps.
Also, somberly listening to the album Antics by Interpol.
And out of pitty for Nick L., Cookie Monster Rotten Body Landslide by Cannibal Corpse
Led Zeppelin- Since I've been Loving You

Come on Brah... (Nick Lazas)

We are basically the same... I'm about 3 sizes larger womp womp.

The last time I saw Nick I was in the midst of a migraine. I was nauseous and could barely hold my head up against the open window as he drove me back to my car from our early dinner at some dive Jamaican restaurant. We didn't even eat, or maybe he ate really fast but I took my food to go and when I did eat it, I was angry because it was delicious and I had missed out on not only enjoying great food but also on the opportunity to catch up. I don't remember much from that day except a bright sunset piercing my eyes and me praying I wouldn't throw up in his car or mine as I drove back into the city. I apologized and I didn't see him for about 7 years. 

This is when I sprung the blog on Nick.

I hung out with one of our old friends* a few months ago and mentioned Nick in a conversation. At this point he had been off my Fb list for a while but when she told me about some of the stuff going on with him I wanted to check in to see how he was doing. I didn't delete him from Fb for any particular reason except that he never responded about hanging out a few years back and I kind of felt like he was blowing me off. In hindsight, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, he had more pressing things going on. Our friend said she hadn't seen him in a while but knew he was doing well. Of course, I wanted to see for myself so, enter Nick. I have had him on my Fb page the entire time I've been on fb with the exception of a few months when I deleted him. I would even say there is a good chance that if he had myspace, he was on my friends list, maybe even my top 10 (remember top 10!?). We attended Glenbard East High School together in Lombard, IL. I only went there for a total of 4 months but I still considered him one of my favorite people and one of my closer friends. While there I immediately gravitated to the 'outsider/goth' group and that's kind of where I stayed. I don't even remember meeting Nick. I remember being in World History with him but I don't remember if we had lunch or any other classes together. I do know, we walked together to our math classes after lunch so maybe we did have lunch together? I donno but there was a math wing and I remember we walked together. He had graph paper and a zip drive (remember zip drives!!?? I think that was him...). Over all, I thought he was a cool person, he wouldn't take crap from anyone but he also had this weird extra respectful way about him. He never hit on me, which was a plus because I can probably say that he is the only close guy friend who has never made a pass or made me uncomfortable in any way. He was a cute boy and he listened to all of the same music that I listened to so it was an easy friendship. He was dating a pregnant girl when I met him, not really sure what happened but he was pretty invested in the relationship. I remember seeing him with his girlfriend for the first time and he was carrying her books or helping her at her locker. Being with a pregnant girl  in a small town and not giving a crap, that says a lot about a person.

When I attended East, a lot of people had been in this weird environment where they knew each other

Clearly from another mother...

for around 10 years. I was kind of like a culture shock, not only was I a new kid, from Chicago, I was also related to some of their classmates that they didn't even know had a sibling in Chicago. My siblings are half Asian, thin, tall, Asian eyes, and I am the complete opposite. Most people didn't realize that my brother was my brother until I told them. I distinctly remember one boy saying "Vince is your brother? But you're so cool!!!" I stood up for my brother but accepted that I was cooler than him. Still am (hi-oooo!!!). Nick was an acquaintance of my brother because they attended school as kids. After 4 months passed, blah blah blah I moved away, was replaced by a dog named Cupcake and went to Texas to finish High School. I wanted to keep in contact with more people but as luck would have it, aside from about 3 other people from Lombard, Nick was one of the only people who I kept in contact with move after move. I mean, meeting people from FB is keeping in contact but I mean, real contact, phone calls, visits when I was in town, letters, although, truth be told, I was kind of awful at writing back. One day, Nick sent me this awesome box filled with random things and a video letter. I remember he sent me a cd he made and there was a song on there that he dedicated to me, it sounded kind of happy but was called Dance of the Dead...hmmm. When I visited Chicago, I made sure to stop in Lombard and he was the person I usually went to go see. I surprised him once at his battle of the bands rehearsal. As soon as he was done he jumped down from the stage and welcomed me with a big Nick bear hug.

He kind of looks like he could have killed me that day

During a visit he convinced me to get in to his trunk so that when I popped out I could scream and scare one of our friends. I kind of let us down because when he opened the trunk I was kind of just lying there listening to him tell our friend Mel that he wanted to show her something in the trunk. If I had it to do over again, I totally would, I would scream bloody murder in hopes to fulfill Nick's earlier request and really scare her. She told me later that we scared the crap out of her which is hilarious because all I did was lay there and say "Hey" when he opened the trunk. Please note, I am claustrophobic and  know way too much about serial killers so this was a big leap of faith for me to trust Nick enough that he wouldn't take me to the woods and kill me. 

Nick was never one to just sit and do nothing when I was in town. I don't remember everything we did, I've got kind of a bad memory about it but I do remember this one time I hid (again) in his car

Random place Nick took me, maybe it was Bruno's room

(just the backseat now) while he went to my dad's house and knocked on the door for me. I was doing everything in my power to avoid my dad and just see my siblings. The picture above with me and the 3 Asians was taken by Nick. Maybe it's instances like these that helped me hold him to a high regard. He was helpful and sweet and didn't expect anything from anyone, ever. His mother raised him well, which brings me to my next point, HE LOVES HIS MOTHER. Not in a Norman Bates way but he really respects her and I think it plays a role in how he treats people, especially women. He's always been very caring when he talked about her. She lives in another state right now but I know he's vying for her to come back. During one visit, I remember she greeted me and I was thinking "His mom knows my name? I was only in Lombard for a few months!" As time went on and the distance grew from Chicago to San Antonio, she would ask how I was doing over the phone. I can see now where Nick get's his concern for others, just a genuine request to know how someone is doing. You don't find many people like this these days. Nick is also incredibly

Quiet Paul and Nick waiting with me at the Metra stop.

close to Paul his brother from another mother. I don't know Paul at all. I've been around him a handful of times in my life but I know nothing about him except the general information Nick has shared, he's alive, doing well. Paul was always really quiet so that may have played a part in it. I will say, if he lived with Nick and his mom, there is a good chance he's a great person too. She did a great job raising her boys and I commend her for that. 

Me stuck in traffic staring at my city 

So, as I was saying, I added Nick a few months ago when this whole thing with Led went down. Decided that even if I didn't talk with him, I could still fb stalk him and make sure he's doing ok. I've missed him. I was hoping he wouldn't be too busy to hang out since we hadn't seen or spoken to each other for years and much to my excitement, when I asked, he wasn't. We set up a brunch for a week after. He picked the place and I made it a point to buy a Keurig in that area so I could kill two birds with one stone and the day was set. In perfect Renee fashion, I was just about an hour late. He patiently waited for me and even saved some fresh doughnut appetizers for me. Oh, I forgot to mention, I had a stomach ache and I felt a migraine coming on... but I was determined to not let that ruin my day.  The conversation wasn't immediately easy but then again, what do you say to someone you haven't seen in 7 years? Once the food came, we were able to keep it going pretty easily and then it was very natural. For me, I felt like hey we're back to normal again. He talked up some other breakfast restaurants and I hope to hit some of them up soon. We talked about the usual things, family life, friends etc. Then we talked about Nick and Renee regular things such as food and serial killers. I later watched a movie he recommended and was pleased with most of what I saw. I didn't realize until I watched it that 1, a Gacy painting would fetch around 3k and 2. I fall asleep while listing to heavy metal. He's single ladies, he's got a well paying job and works in Bedford Park (just right out side of Chicago). If that doesn't get ya going, he was once a Donkey Kong champion. I forget if it's US or Regional but it was something.

 

This is when I knew Nick was a man of food and of his word... his word being that this food was amazing.

All in all, it was great catching up with him. I would have liked more time but had to pick up the Keurig and get back home. I'd also like for him to meet Rick and my kiddo. I have a tentative dinner set up with Nick for when I return from my trip from Texas to discuss his blog. It's hilarious and vulgar and he apologizes to his mom for that during episode 2. I can't wait to listen to the rest of them but this is adult content, I can't stress that enough.  We leave for TX in a few minutes but I wanted to finish this blog (for the second time, as I didn't save the first) and mention It's weird hanging out with people through this project. I've heard back from people and was able to see a few people but not everyone. I've also written about some and just haven't posted yet due to the craziness for my schedule lately. Also, the last 2 people I wrote about used terms like "slap in the face" or "I sounded like a jerk " (jerk was not the word they used), so I am trying my best to show a little more tact in my writing. I used to love writing until I was told something that literally changed the trajectory of my college career. I was an English major and wanted to be a writer. I eventually moved into Mortuary Science which with my love of gore and respect for the dead was incredibly natural. I didn't go through with finishing the program because I wasn't happy with the business aspect of it but totally thought that I would have been great as an embalmer until the Autopsy date night I had with Rick, Mike and Joey a few months ago. Young Renee, Ah... the good ole days.

NOTE: I went to Erika's a few nights ago and no matter what kitchen utensil or item I required she had it... in Mickey form. I would ask for something and she would say "here it is" and hand me a Mickey gloved shaped something. We were laughing about it and as I was making fun of her she was putting dishes away and my eyes widened in judgment as every single thing she pulled from the drying rack was drenched in Mickey Mouse. Much to my dismay, I didn't realize that I was adding as much sea salt as I was and we had to rework the food a few times. See, this is what happens when you don't taste food. She was gracious and complimented the food we were able to salvage and although I didn't try it, I believe her that she enjoyed it.

* I haven't written about everyone I've met up with because I want to continue hanging out with people and catching up. I'm finding that I can give a background and I can give an update but unless I keep it going, it's not really a friendship in real life, it's just a friendship on fb that I forced in to real life.

Listening to Nick's podcast: http://comeonbrah.podbean.com/. 

Guys, this is incredibly vulgar. I mean, there is no way I can listen to this without headphones or even with people around. It's smutty and witty at the same time and geeze it's hilarious. He and his friend are hilarious. Chango might like this...