Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans

The other day I wrote about my friend Valencia. While it came out beautifully and I was happy with it, if I'm being honest, my original intention was to write about someone else. Though, as I waited for a response from my friend about the next post I started reading through Valencia's profile, posts and our messages, I thought it was important to pay tribute to a super wonderful Godly woman. The text I sent asked if it was okay to write about them. They were such an important part of the story. They are a friend and we were very close for a lot of years, one year in particular while we were teens. I received a text back simply saying "I'd rather not. Thank you for asking and your consideration". Honestly, I don't even know why I sent the text, I mean I always ask but it's just a formality to let them know that I will be writing about them, less about permission. So many people have been supportive and open about our friendships, their personal stories and have been incredibly cool about me writing about them. Maybe I was too harsh in other posts? Maybe my friend thought I would paint them in a bad fashion? I've been on the receiving end of not so happy remarks from friends, so that would make sense. Or maybe this person is more private and conservative now that they are in a long term relationship and have a family. Honestly, I didn't probe. My response was "yup" and that was it. I will say though, I was incredibly hurt, if I think about it, I'm still a little hurt because rejection is something I'm pretty unfamiliar with. There is also the whole not feeling like I'm trusted by my friend but I'm sure it's a matter of privacy and I need to stop taking things personally.

 During the entire project I've been pretty quiet about certain things, I've mentioned how I met people and how I have come back into contact with them via fb. I talk about the coffee dates or lunches where we meet up after all the time that has passed but I don't tell secrets. Before I discuss anything personal, I ask about it. Or I just don't discuss it. I don't intentionally talk crap, my perspective is honest and it's just that, my perspective. I guess, people have pasts and sometimes it's important to leave it there; in the past.

Oh yeah, so I'm just going to use Kevin's name from now on. I remember him a lot. When you live in Chicago and see the same places that you used to visit with old friends, it's hard not to remember. Coming in from the burbs, there is a particular spot that I love. It's on the highway, where the skyline is big and beautiful and it's Chicago. The first time I saw it as a 21 year old was with Kevin. We were coming in from the burbs with his little brother. Speaking of, I spoke with him just a little after Thanksgiving. It was so great to hear his voice. I missed him. It was awkward and I was honest about that. I was also honest about the reason why I hadn't called, I thought too much time had passed. I thought about them on Thanksgiving because this was the first holiday without him. He mentioned that the last time he saw Kevin was 2 years ago at Thanksgiving. Christmas was coming up and I saw in between shows but I was happy to chat with him. He and I still need to get together for coffee but I'm not sure when that will be. I am a little worried about him because he's young and I'm always going to kind of feel a need to care for the kid I used to babysit but he's made some healthy choices lately regarding his family and he has a new job and a new apartment. There was one major thing we discussed outside of the second funeral and time he spent in Mexico which was Kevin's tox results. When Kevin passed away he was found by his father, still warm to the touch. As his dad tried to wake him, Kevin was unresponsive. Medics were called to the scene but they were unable to revive him. He was a drinker and his past had some light drug usage so it was a little scary to wait for the results. Hoping it wasn't self inflicted (well yes it's still self inflicted but you know what I mean) and hoping that there would be a clear cut answer was the main thing. The results came back as Alcohol poisoning. There was a feeling of relief and a feeling of sadness. All those what if's come up. His father mentioned he was warm to the touch when he began his visit with Kevin. After all the thoughts that raced through my head it didn't matter. He was still gone and It's heartbreaking that my friend couldn't get out from under his addiction. It's scary when I think about how many people have these issues and how they can destroy whole lives and the lives around them. Did you know, I stopped drinking when I became a Christian. It didn't really matter much except to say that I was dry for 2 months. The week I was leaving I went out for dinner and drinks with some close friends. I had a few drinks but was cautious. The same week, during my trip from Texas to Memphis to Chicago with Erika, we had some drinks but we were too exhausted and dehydrated from the vast amount of caffeine to drink. And then I arrived back in Chicago and met Kevin again. And it was lust and excess. Old emotions and infatuation and idols and drinking was fun because it was all on him. Okay so it was mostly fun except when I broke out in hives... which was like day 2 of drinking in Chicago, my family members have this weird allergy if we don't have alcohol for a long period of time and then consume it, we break out in hives... I still have no idea what I'm allergic to. So as Nicole would say, we broke the seal. It was my first time I completely walked away from Christ. I tried to get back to Christ and eventually did, even was able to bring Kevin to church with me but when we stopped seeing each other we didn't keep in contact. I guess he kept drinking and I went back to Christ.
There are tons of stories that I could talk about because when you spend your life following the tragic stories of music and movies you think that first love is it. Even if it's not reciprocated. Sometimes you find out that the person is in love with someone else, someone you're close to and there is nothing you can do about it except accept it. 

I once had a teacher that had a couple of books published. She said that you never ever erase what you've written, you only put a line through it. You'll find me doing that from time to time, especially as I talk in my next post.

Thank God for Arthur Avalos, my first real best friend.

Gran Tourismo by The Cardigans. Mechanical Animals- Marilyn Manson. Posthuman - Marilyn Manson, Excuse Me Mr., Happy Now - No Doubt, Dried Up, Tied and Dead to the World - Marilyn Manson.