Album: Antics by Interpol and Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

He's single... 

While in Spanish class I sat next to a friend and we were singing a song I didn't know all of the words to. This seems to be a common trend with me but anyway, I also had no idea who sang it.

Me: "Paranoia, paranoia everybody's coming to get me... just say you never met me... I wonder who sings this song"
Ricky: (says something inaudible)
Me: (oh the cute guy said something) What?
Ricky: Harvey Danger
Me: (Oh... he's gay) thanks.

And through this common exchange we became Best Friends (I feel like the word Forever is implied)

I was on about 2.5 hours of sleep... and yes I love my tshirt.

Most of our conversations immediately turn to trashing or swearing or incoherently discussing things. We've discussed a possible blog but I feel like I would be shunned from family and friends if we did it. Who we are together is who we have always been around one another and for some reason the dynamic has not changed very much since high school. Could we have an intelligent conversation? Sure, but why should we when we can be complete idiots with each other? I don't think I have this type of relationship with anyone else in the world. Mostly because it's incredibly vulgar and repulsive (that's what she said! <---- you see this?). We came to the conclusion that the reason why we are so far apart is because we would get in to a lot of trouble together if we still lived in the same city. Yes, I will be 30 in a few months.

I should note that there are many many jokes between us that nobody can touch, so here are some things about us that you can know but won't get to be a part of:

1. Things we care about: Renee's birthday on January 9th. Things we don't care about: Ricky's birthday, sometime after January 9th, which is why nobody cares and nobody knows when it is. It could be the 13th but again, nobody cares. Why are we still discussing this?

   

   Coca Cola spokesperson... maybe... sure beats that hoochie drink Big Red! Bam! Said it!

2. The reason why Ricky is not straight and I am a woman OR the reason why I am not a man when Ricky is gay- We would inevitably take over and then ruin the world. It would all come to an end, a horrible, disgusting end.
3. This one time we were waiting for the bus and one of us said something like: "Aw man I wish we had wings..." and the other replied "so we could fly to the bus". We are still in agreeance to this very day and probably still just as lazy.
4. My favorite game was when we would have conversations with one another while reading book titles at Barnes and Noble or while driving on the highway. We once had a small audience.
5. He is smarter than me. This is something that I can freely admit because he actually is. He's included me in his "smart friends" list but I know it's only because of my common sense approach to life and so that I won't feel bad. He reads and learns and is a jerk for it. Due to the above admission I feel like I should mention something about him, the one thing he couldn't do in high school. Do you know what he couldn't do? He couldn't get a higher grade on his Spanish class than me. Oh want to know something else? I copied all of his homework and he helped me through the class. Kind of a slap in the face isn't it? The person you help gets a higher grade than you- kind of burns huh? What if I told you that said person with the higher grade happened to see an opportunity and took full advantage of being in the front row on the day of the final and happened to notice that the last four answers to the final were written on the back of the teachers' paper as she read off of it. Truth be told, I wasn't the only person who noticed. One of our friends' noticed as well and we had higher grades than Ricky. Still burns, doesn't it... ha! Ya burnt!

   

   One of the many nights I was picked up and whisked off somewhere to eat or watch a movie

6. Ricky taught me how to dance in his apartment parking lot. I didn't know how to do anything. Now I can be a stripper if I wanted to (no I don't want to). The song he taught me to dance to is Michael by Franz Ferdinand. Yes, you read that correctly, I learned how to dance like a stripper by a man. 
7. I am still learning about the Birds and the Bees and he recently filled me in on a bunch of stuff I didn't know. TMI? Maybe, but it's the truth. He's so very scientific about the approach that it's difficult to not think I'm learning from a teacher or something. Surprisingly, there is very little vulgarity during the Q and A of these conversations.
8. 
9. Without rhyme or reason we assigned ourselves as "Bloods" and he taught me gang signs. I never could figure out the Crypt Killa sign!
10. He tried to teach me my right from my left and simply explained that my right was my trigger finger... I explained that in terms of gun usage I would most likely be ambidextrous and still have a hard time with my right/left... yes, I said I was almost 30. 
11. He is the only person I was allowed to go out with until all hours of the night. He was able to pick me up at 10 pm and bring me back super late... like 3am... it actually happened on a school night a few times. We watched movies, ate and hung out. Also, his dad would always give him money to "take me somewhere special"... because he thought I was his girlfriend or hoped I would turn him straight. 
12. I never tried to 'make him straight". I did consider kissing him once but didn't and it was a desperate idea that came about at a low point. Also, I will say, we were very close so I did have issues with him choosing to hang with his boyfriend when they got serious. Also, I hate most of his girlfriends for hitting on him. 
13. In high school I started to call him Ricky. Most people still call him Richard. I also call him Gumby... He calls me Pokey. 



Deer in the headlights look...

14. There was no Jesse.

True story... maybe.

He was probably 16 here

So aside from all of the messing around and fun we've had I'm going to tell you why I hold this guy to such a high regard, He was there when I dated all of my boyfriends in high school. He is the person I went to when I was literally slapped in the face by my ex and consoled me after I drove all the way to San Marcos from San Antonio. He slept on the floor as I slept on the couch in the common area at the university. He fed me Sonic numerous times, he taught me about music and graphically (and I mean in explicit detail) taught me about the birds and the bees. He was part of our group and the person I preferred to all of my friends. He helped me keep my dignity with the wrong guys, danced with me to Interpol when I thought I should hit a honey bear bong after being pot free for about 5 years and even when I was a jerk to him, and I was, as I did leave him after we had plans many times because a guy called, he never once judged me. Never. He accepted me for who I was. Even his mom accepted me (sorry about the DUI/Tickets after Ricky hung out with me while we were underage drinking and he was speeding... and thanks for picking me up on the side of the road that one time at some ungodly hour and trying to talk sense into me).

I was probably 17 here. Size 3!

Ricky sided with me always, trashed talked people he knew and liked if I was pissed off at them and even though we don't hang out much now, if ever I needed to hide a body, he'd be at my door with the shovel, a car and some bleach. Last year when the sea change was going down he talked me into making sane decisions and talked me out of irrational ideas that I had come up with. He explained that what I was going through was a long time coming, was normal and I just had to accept it. And when I decided not to listen to him, as I always do, he helped fixed me. He is the only person (besides Rick and maybe Erika) who knows me better than myself and he is the only person who knows the whole story. A few people know parts, but he knows everything because he get's the late night calls when I'm struggling. Mike may know a lot of it too but she was in Italy when I was falling apart last year so she got the aftermath. Also, both Erika's were there for it as well.

When I got to Texas last week I thought we would hit First Friday and see what was popping. He asked that Erika M. and I meet him at a place called the Friendly Spot... I didn't know if this was some gay hangout in a dark park but Erika knew what it was and we walked from her perfectly parked car over to him.
It ended up being a little restaurant area where there were kids playing on a jungle gym at 9:40pm at night*. He was there in the crowd wearing one of his trademark t-shirts (one of the only people I know who can pull of these types of shirts) but First Friday was lame and maybe it's because I'm slightly stuck up but I felt like it was really commercialized and the galleries I went to see were closed so that was even more annoying. We walked around for a bit and hung around the Blue Star area. I can't tell you anything we talked about because, well, you'd all be offended.

So here are some old pictures:

At Sonic

At Mama Margie's

At Sonic

Mars, our dog who was lost as soon as I moved away to Chicago. I still regret leaving him behind.

Here are some pictures from Blue Star:

Ricky and Erika M.

This blurry picture about sums up 30 some odd hours of no sleep on my road trip

Honestly, I missed hanging out with him. I wish we could have done more but these 3 hours (if that) were the only time we saw each other during my most recent trip to San Anto! We tried to go dancing a few times but it just didn't work out. He didn't come to eat pizza on my last night in town, nor did he come to the bbq at Jen's house but I wasn't really surprised. He's a busy boy with a lot on his plate and I think the friendship doesn't require that I see him the entire trip. I do think if I had gone there alone or sans Rick it may have been a bit different but seriously, I had a great time this night even if all we did was sit at a bench on S. Alamo and hang out.

He is single gentlemen. Maybe single and looking... not quite sure. He has a great job, a great personality and really loves music and movies. Also, he's very interested animals, biology and all things that boys like and yes I'm generalizing here but the guy still climbs trees so yeah, I don't care.

Led-
I haven't mentioned him in a while because I haven't written in a while. I think about him daily. For the rest of my life I will remember him when a Led Zeppelin song comes on. Same goes for U2. Can't seem to shake it even when I try. I have noticed that some songs by Red Hot Chili Peppers really sting. I can't believe he's gone. It feels so weird. I know that I will never run in to him again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but there was a time when everywhere I looked I saw him. Super strange but it still happens when I see someone that shares a characteristic of his. The song Since I've Been Loving You came on while we were driving to Chicago this one time and I remember holding hands and he kept trying to let go to shift gears but I didn't want to let go. He gently pulled away and brought his hand back to mine as soon as he shifted gears. I think of that moment every time I hear this song. The impact of music. Likewise, I call Ricky every time I hear Flagpole Sitta or Total Eclipse of the Heart and sing a very vulgar rendition while screaming into what is most likely his voice mail.

Note: Kids, if you are reading this, don't cheat in school. It's not a good thing to copy off of someone's homework nor is it right to cheat on a final exam. If you have to cheat then you deserve to get caught. You should have studied. Heed my words!!! Also, another life lesson, if you are ever guilty, ah I shouldn't be saying this, but deny, deny, deny. I still don't know if my ex cheated on me because I'm 100% sure he lived by this motto. It's harder to deny the truth as a Christian but it still comes to mind. Now I just try to always tell the truth which makes life easier.

Listening to: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger, Grimes- Oblivion, Black Eyed Peas, Franz Ferdinand, At the Drive In, and Sneaker Pimps.
Also, somberly listening to the album Antics by Interpol.
And out of pitty for Nick L., Cookie Monster Rotten Body Landslide by Cannibal Corpse
Led Zeppelin- Since I've been Loving You

Come on Brah... (Nick Lazas)

We are basically the same... I'm about 3 sizes larger womp womp.

The last time I saw Nick I was in the midst of a migraine. I was nauseous and could barely hold my head up against the open window as he drove me back to my car from our early dinner at some dive Jamaican restaurant. We didn't even eat, or maybe he ate really fast but I took my food to go and when I did eat it, I was angry because it was delicious and I had missed out on not only enjoying great food but also on the opportunity to catch up. I don't remember much from that day except a bright sunset piercing my eyes and me praying I wouldn't throw up in his car or mine as I drove back into the city. I apologized and I didn't see him for about 7 years. 

This is when I sprung the blog on Nick.

I hung out with one of our old friends* a few months ago and mentioned Nick in a conversation. At this point he had been off my Fb list for a while but when she told me about some of the stuff going on with him I wanted to check in to see how he was doing. I didn't delete him from Fb for any particular reason except that he never responded about hanging out a few years back and I kind of felt like he was blowing me off. In hindsight, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, he had more pressing things going on. Our friend said she hadn't seen him in a while but knew he was doing well. Of course, I wanted to see for myself so, enter Nick. I have had him on my Fb page the entire time I've been on fb with the exception of a few months when I deleted him. I would even say there is a good chance that if he had myspace, he was on my friends list, maybe even my top 10 (remember top 10!?). We attended Glenbard East High School together in Lombard, IL. I only went there for a total of 4 months but I still considered him one of my favorite people and one of my closer friends. While there I immediately gravitated to the 'outsider/goth' group and that's kind of where I stayed. I don't even remember meeting Nick. I remember being in World History with him but I don't remember if we had lunch or any other classes together. I do know, we walked together to our math classes after lunch so maybe we did have lunch together? I donno but there was a math wing and I remember we walked together. He had graph paper and a zip drive (remember zip drives!!?? I think that was him...). Over all, I thought he was a cool person, he wouldn't take crap from anyone but he also had this weird extra respectful way about him. He never hit on me, which was a plus because I can probably say that he is the only close guy friend who has never made a pass or made me uncomfortable in any way. He was a cute boy and he listened to all of the same music that I listened to so it was an easy friendship. He was dating a pregnant girl when I met him, not really sure what happened but he was pretty invested in the relationship. I remember seeing him with his girlfriend for the first time and he was carrying her books or helping her at her locker. Being with a pregnant girl  in a small town and not giving a crap, that says a lot about a person.

When I attended East, a lot of people had been in this weird environment where they knew each other

Clearly from another mother...

for around 10 years. I was kind of like a culture shock, not only was I a new kid, from Chicago, I was also related to some of their classmates that they didn't even know had a sibling in Chicago. My siblings are half Asian, thin, tall, Asian eyes, and I am the complete opposite. Most people didn't realize that my brother was my brother until I told them. I distinctly remember one boy saying "Vince is your brother? But you're so cool!!!" I stood up for my brother but accepted that I was cooler than him. Still am (hi-oooo!!!). Nick was an acquaintance of my brother because they attended school as kids. After 4 months passed, blah blah blah I moved away, was replaced by a dog named Cupcake and went to Texas to finish High School. I wanted to keep in contact with more people but as luck would have it, aside from about 3 other people from Lombard, Nick was one of the only people who I kept in contact with move after move. I mean, meeting people from FB is keeping in contact but I mean, real contact, phone calls, visits when I was in town, letters, although, truth be told, I was kind of awful at writing back. One day, Nick sent me this awesome box filled with random things and a video letter. I remember he sent me a cd he made and there was a song on there that he dedicated to me, it sounded kind of happy but was called Dance of the Dead...hmmm. When I visited Chicago, I made sure to stop in Lombard and he was the person I usually went to go see. I surprised him once at his battle of the bands rehearsal. As soon as he was done he jumped down from the stage and welcomed me with a big Nick bear hug.

He kind of looks like he could have killed me that day

During a visit he convinced me to get in to his trunk so that when I popped out I could scream and scare one of our friends. I kind of let us down because when he opened the trunk I was kind of just lying there listening to him tell our friend Mel that he wanted to show her something in the trunk. If I had it to do over again, I totally would, I would scream bloody murder in hopes to fulfill Nick's earlier request and really scare her. She told me later that we scared the crap out of her which is hilarious because all I did was lay there and say "Hey" when he opened the trunk. Please note, I am claustrophobic and  know way too much about serial killers so this was a big leap of faith for me to trust Nick enough that he wouldn't take me to the woods and kill me. 

Nick was never one to just sit and do nothing when I was in town. I don't remember everything we did, I've got kind of a bad memory about it but I do remember this one time I hid (again) in his car

Random place Nick took me, maybe it was Bruno's room

(just the backseat now) while he went to my dad's house and knocked on the door for me. I was doing everything in my power to avoid my dad and just see my siblings. The picture above with me and the 3 Asians was taken by Nick. Maybe it's instances like these that helped me hold him to a high regard. He was helpful and sweet and didn't expect anything from anyone, ever. His mother raised him well, which brings me to my next point, HE LOVES HIS MOTHER. Not in a Norman Bates way but he really respects her and I think it plays a role in how he treats people, especially women. He's always been very caring when he talked about her. She lives in another state right now but I know he's vying for her to come back. During one visit, I remember she greeted me and I was thinking "His mom knows my name? I was only in Lombard for a few months!" As time went on and the distance grew from Chicago to San Antonio, she would ask how I was doing over the phone. I can see now where Nick get's his concern for others, just a genuine request to know how someone is doing. You don't find many people like this these days. Nick is also incredibly

Quiet Paul and Nick waiting with me at the Metra stop.

close to Paul his brother from another mother. I don't know Paul at all. I've been around him a handful of times in my life but I know nothing about him except the general information Nick has shared, he's alive, doing well. Paul was always really quiet so that may have played a part in it. I will say, if he lived with Nick and his mom, there is a good chance he's a great person too. She did a great job raising her boys and I commend her for that. 

Me stuck in traffic staring at my city 

So, as I was saying, I added Nick a few months ago when this whole thing with Led went down. Decided that even if I didn't talk with him, I could still fb stalk him and make sure he's doing ok. I've missed him. I was hoping he wouldn't be too busy to hang out since we hadn't seen or spoken to each other for years and much to my excitement, when I asked, he wasn't. We set up a brunch for a week after. He picked the place and I made it a point to buy a Keurig in that area so I could kill two birds with one stone and the day was set. In perfect Renee fashion, I was just about an hour late. He patiently waited for me and even saved some fresh doughnut appetizers for me. Oh, I forgot to mention, I had a stomach ache and I felt a migraine coming on... but I was determined to not let that ruin my day.  The conversation wasn't immediately easy but then again, what do you say to someone you haven't seen in 7 years? Once the food came, we were able to keep it going pretty easily and then it was very natural. For me, I felt like hey we're back to normal again. He talked up some other breakfast restaurants and I hope to hit some of them up soon. We talked about the usual things, family life, friends etc. Then we talked about Nick and Renee regular things such as food and serial killers. I later watched a movie he recommended and was pleased with most of what I saw. I didn't realize until I watched it that 1, a Gacy painting would fetch around 3k and 2. I fall asleep while listing to heavy metal. He's single ladies, he's got a well paying job and works in Bedford Park (just right out side of Chicago). If that doesn't get ya going, he was once a Donkey Kong champion. I forget if it's US or Regional but it was something.

 

This is when I knew Nick was a man of food and of his word... his word being that this food was amazing.

All in all, it was great catching up with him. I would have liked more time but had to pick up the Keurig and get back home. I'd also like for him to meet Rick and my kiddo. I have a tentative dinner set up with Nick for when I return from my trip from Texas to discuss his blog. It's hilarious and vulgar and he apologizes to his mom for that during episode 2. I can't wait to listen to the rest of them but this is adult content, I can't stress that enough.  We leave for TX in a few minutes but I wanted to finish this blog (for the second time, as I didn't save the first) and mention It's weird hanging out with people through this project. I've heard back from people and was able to see a few people but not everyone. I've also written about some and just haven't posted yet due to the craziness for my schedule lately. Also, the last 2 people I wrote about used terms like "slap in the face" or "I sounded like a jerk " (jerk was not the word they used), so I am trying my best to show a little more tact in my writing. I used to love writing until I was told something that literally changed the trajectory of my college career. I was an English major and wanted to be a writer. I eventually moved into Mortuary Science which with my love of gore and respect for the dead was incredibly natural. I didn't go through with finishing the program because I wasn't happy with the business aspect of it but totally thought that I would have been great as an embalmer until the Autopsy date night I had with Rick, Mike and Joey a few months ago. Young Renee, Ah... the good ole days.

NOTE: I went to Erika's a few nights ago and no matter what kitchen utensil or item I required she had it... in Mickey form. I would ask for something and she would say "here it is" and hand me a Mickey gloved shaped something. We were laughing about it and as I was making fun of her she was putting dishes away and my eyes widened in judgment as every single thing she pulled from the drying rack was drenched in Mickey Mouse. Much to my dismay, I didn't realize that I was adding as much sea salt as I was and we had to rework the food a few times. See, this is what happens when you don't taste food. She was gracious and complimented the food we were able to salvage and although I didn't try it, I believe her that she enjoyed it.

* I haven't written about everyone I've met up with because I want to continue hanging out with people and catching up. I'm finding that I can give a background and I can give an update but unless I keep it going, it's not really a friendship in real life, it's just a friendship on fb that I forced in to real life.

Listening to Nick's podcast: http://comeonbrah.podbean.com/. 

Guys, this is incredibly vulgar. I mean, there is no way I can listen to this without headphones or even with people around. It's smutty and witty at the same time and geeze it's hilarious. He and his friend are hilarious. Chango might like this...

All Mixed Up (311)

Every single time I hear this song I think of Nicole. No matter what conversation I'm in, no matter where I am, this song reminds me of Nicole. In fact, any 311 song or Smashing Pumpkins songs (she had the box set, LUCKY!!!!!!) remind me of her. When you are a kid and start listening more intently to music, you tend to relate things to situations and time periods. We were probably in 6th or 7th grade when the above mentioned song came out.

It's been a little bit since I've blogged. I've been seeing people and working and haven't had much time to blog. I haven't heard from Harry and I still think about Led but it's pretty easy for me to remember the good times and less about the loss if and when he comes to mind. That weird sadness is gone. Yesterday I was cleaning out the drawer in my room and found the funeral cards. I kept them there and will find a place for them and read them when I feel ready to do so. It's weird because I know it's there and I know he's gone but it's still a little numb. I will say, although I haven't seen him for years, it was nice to remember who he was and how funny he could be. I think I've dealt with his passing in a positive way and although slightly morbid, I'm glad I was able to talk about him and use this blog as a platform and giant push to see friends I hadn't seen in years.

Two weeks ago I hung out with a person who, just like Erika, is like a sister to me. Her name is Nicole Michael (yes Michael, after her father) Galvan. She and I go pretty far back and I have about a million memories and stories about her. Sometime a couple weeks ago, we got pizza, went to Target, went to Whole Foods and we saw a condo that she put an offer on. A few days ago she told me that the offer was accepted for the condo. While I was away in Texas as a teen she and I kept in contact. After high school she left to college at Marquette and studied to be a teacher. I'm not really sure what her dream job is now but she is currently a manager working at a major chain drug store where she has worked for over 10 years and she seems to be pretty happy there. So, here is Nikki/Kiki/Niko/Nicole (Nic-ohhhl). Totoro!!!!

 We met in Kindergarten. Her parent's sat next to my mom because we had the same last name. She called me a traitor when I married Rick because we would no longer be synonymous with one another through our last name. The first conversation I can remember having with her was when she asked me if there was vomit on her because while we were sitting on the colorful alphabet rug in class, another kid projectile vomited. There was no vomit on her and we became best friends.

Through the years we did a lot together. Her grandmother babysat me after school for years. We were Brownies and Girl Scouts and as we got older we went to the same after school program. If she didn't eat her lunch, she would share it after school and only eat the bread while Christian and I would share the turkey. I'm pretty sure it's the reason why I like Sarah Lee Honey Turkey (Her dad's cooking is probably the reason why I like the spaghetti sauce I like). We were in Basketball, Track, Writer's Workshop and a lot of the same classes over the next 9 years. If you can believe, we even chose to go to summer school at UIC one year and were way ahead of our class the next year. The year after she went alone because I wanted my summer.

Yeah I took a pic with a camera to avoid scanning. I'm pretty impatient. 

At some point, I'm not really sure when but I have an idea that around 6th or 7th grade she had succumbed to peer pressure and began to share some of the stuff she talked about with me to other people. She was a kid and I didn't know until about 10 years later when she apologized for all the crap she did or said in a really long letter/birthday card. I didn't see any point in being upset about it but I'll have you know that all of the stuff I went through, with bullying and the like had been a spawn of the information she shared. Turns out, when I quit sports I was and she continued, it was kind of a growing period for us. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back, she was probably a  jock and I surely was not. I hated sports and remained in the writing program and excelled there but while she was going away on trips and had opportunities to talk with other people, I was hanging out alone or in a new clique learning about other things and listening to music etc. The crazy thing is aside from the time she handed over my notebook page where I had a heart and my name and some boys name to his girlfriend, I can't think of anything else she was directly associated with. I'm sure there was stuff I didn't realize had to do with her at the time but she listened to my issues with her friends and still remained my friend. Maybe I was kind of blind to it or I just never considered it because she and I were so close. Nicole, if you're reading this, I'm going to punch you when I see you but I'll still make you that chocolate cake I owe you.

In the picture below I am giving the best presentation of my life about Egypt or Mesopotamia. We had to make a game show and the three of us at the table were contestants. There was a bell on the table just like Jeopardy and instead of sticking to any outline of what we planned on doing, I kind of messed around and it ended up being my first (but hopefully not only) improv sketch and it was amazing. I had the entire class laughing and honestly, the last question, I had no idea what the answer was supposed to be but after a few tries we eventually guessed correctly. I'm on the far right in red, Nikki is right next to me. The guy next to Nikki is Trevor who was my best friend from Kindergarten through 2nd grade. He once gave me a gold necklace with Minnie on it and he had the other half that had Mickey. He was the first kid to have Jordans. You know, the white and blue ones with the clear gummy sole? That was my best friend. We saw Mighty Ducks together at the theater. We also saw Space Jam. He and Nicole were my best friends. I think he left at the end of that year. A few years later he came back to our school and was an incredibly sarcastic jerk. The guy at the podium is Christian, he was with me and Nikki during our after school program and we were all really close. I haven't spoken to him or Trevor for about 15 years and I know they are on fb but I haven't befriended them. (Side note: I just "added a friend" for Trevor)

A picture with my best friends in 7th or 8th grade.

Nikki at work circa 2002

When I got back to Chicago after converting to Christianity, Nikki was one of the first people I wanted to hang out with. We had kept in touch through high school and college so it was great to see her. She was once an accomplice to a theft I was associated with in high school but that's a story for another time though (Sorry Diane, you can question her about it later). Nicole mentioned an outing for the school we graduated from and invited me and a few other people. I had the car so I drove us all there and back. It was awkward because I was kind of the black sheep of the class but I was welcomed with open arms from one of my favorite teachers. I was so welcomed that although she hugged Nikki first, our teacher yelled something like 'I missed you Renee' and I stole Nicole's thunder. I went to Pride that year. We went with her family members, had breakfast and I had a chance to see my brother who was at the parade. That was the last time I went to Pride and again, although my estranged brother is on FB, it was the last time I saw him.

Nikki and I would hang out from time to time over the next 10 years. She visited me and Noah and brought him the book "Once Upon a Potty", it's a little graphic if you ask me but it was a sweet gesture. She also brought him a slew of clothes at some point.

And then completely out of the blue she stopped talking to me. We went almost an entire year of not talking. I would reach out and call her out on FB. I asked her mom about her and she would follow up with Nikki about me wanting to get in contact with her but Nikki just wouldn't talk to me. At some point she answered or texted back or I threatened to never talk to her again or something happened and we set up dinner. As soon as I sat in her car I hit her. Then the car door hit me so it was like we were even. She paid for dinner (and the giant Sangria I couldn't finish because I don't drink enough) and we discussed the goings on in her life and she apologized. She explained that she was going through a rough patch and just closed off. We had a similar issue with a friend of Rick's so I was no stranger to this type of behavior but it was weird coming from her. I expected more from her and I was hurt that she walked away. For the entire year that we didn't talk I hated her girlfriend. In fact, even though she said her girlfriend had nothing to do with it, I still didn't like her. They are no longer together and I feel for Nikki but I'm happy that I never had to meet her now ex-girlfriend. Last October I thought Nikki started falling off again when she wasn't responding to my texts. When she did this I called her and told her I didn't have time for this crap anymore. I was at the point in my life when I was 'cleaning out' people from my life (not just my usual FB clean out). She quickly responded, explained that her phone was being crazy and that she was very invested in the friendship. And thank God for that because I was falling apart at the time and needed to know she'd be there if and when I needed her. So far, she's been there but I still get panicky if she doesn't respond, wondering if she is going to do it again, just up and leave and ignore me forever and I won't have her in my life anymore. It makes me sad to think about it (It also helps me to better empathize for my husband even if I didn't like his friend, it's still hard to lose a friendship that you were in for 20 years). For some reason, I just don't get tired of her company. I think we did grow up very close and had such a sisters like bond that I basically just treat her like a sister. I call her on her crap, put her in weird situations when I coupon and make her cart me and my son around. When we were kids her parents treated me to Aladdin on Ice... how could we not be sisters? Plus, she works weird shifts so she's one of the only people I can randomly text at 11 at night and receive a response from and have entire conversation with.

Also, I'd like to add, I started this blog a few weeks ago and edited and edited and corrected and edited and it still came out sassy. I edited it again today 9/5 even though I published it at around 1 am because it lacked tact and I made Nikki sound like a jerk. I mean, she is a jerk, but no more than anyone else is and I wanted to make that clear. She did some awful things, things she apologized for and things that all of us have done. Let this be a lesson to you, gossip is BS. Don't talk behind your friends backs because you never know if they'll go off and start a blog after 20 years of knowing you and call you on yo' crap!

This was from the original post I started a couple weeks ago:
What a day! Did the http://www.alsa.org/ Ice bucket challenge, helped surprise Jess for her delayed 30th birthday dinner and spent a lot of my day with Nicole. I will say, that right now, I just called the pup in to the computer room because I've missed her today.
She didn't come to me.

So I spoke with Steven and thought maybe I should add a little more. I think by trying to be indifferent to how I used to feel and to avoid sounding like a floozy I may have been a little cold. I didn't mean to sound like a jerk if I did, I just need to make it clear that we are friends and that's it. He has always been incredibly respectful of my relationships and especially so of my husband but I do have some guilt for keeping ex's in my life.

And because I read the lyrics and Nikki is going through a hard time I'll leave this "You've got to trust your instinct, And let go of regret, You've got to bet on yourself now star, 'Cause that's your best bet"
311 - All Mixed Up Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


Listening to 311 - All Mixed Up,
Also listening to Tool, Stained and Limp Bizkit in preparation for the Nick post.

Listening to Depeche Mode- Barrel of a gun, Enjoy the Silence, It's no good.

Awake and Dreaming (Finger Eleven)

First let me start off by saying, I absolutely hate that last post. I hate everything about it. I hate how horribly written it was. I refuse to edit it because I don't want to look at it's stupid blog face again. Steven called me yesterday and I told him about the blog and the last post. I told him how much I hated it and how awful it was and his response was that I probably just hate the topic so there isn't anything I'm going to like about it. Touche' Steven, touche... but I still hate it.

I haven't spoken to Steven since I last saw him in October 2013. He lives in Texas. I visited with him for a little bit because it had been a while since I last saw him. I don't even think I was with Rick the last time I saw him so it's been at least 7 years. We have always kept in touch though. We have been in each others lives since we attended Lee. He was my second boyfriend. I don't even remember how he asked me out, probably all high school about it, via friends.

When I talked about Led, I discussed how much I was in love with him because of some other girl wanting his attention and then all the chemistry that he brought to the table after I spent more and more time with him. He broke my heart along with Erika's because he chose his gal over his friends. I will say my heart was invested but it was for the wrong reasons initially. When it came to Steven, I thought I was going to marry him. I was 16 and stupid. He was just a tad bit younger than me so that was weird for about 10 minutes but we all hung out with the same kids so there was no judgment. I hung with the weird indie goth crowd and he with the skaters (and stoners). These groups were the artists and musicians and everyone intermingled so naturally that we kind of all just got along with each other. Aside from that, most of my friends had classes with him and we all shared the gym for P.E. because they were doing construction on the building and the girls didn't really have a locker room for the beginning part of the year. I remember him doing Tae Bo, think a dorky lanky pasty boy. At about that time his friend Matt was telling him to go out with me and my friends were telling me to go out with him, which is why I remember this day in particular. I'm almost 100% sure that my first words to him involved me screaming "SOAD" because he was wearing a System of a Down shirt (all the time) and that's how we greeted each other for a good year before we got to know each other. Turns out music can bring people together so there we were. Our first date was Jack in the Box, he spent $30 (which was a lot at the time) on junky fried foods. His mom or aunt drove and we brought it all back to the house and he lit candles on the dinning room table. Our first concert was Alien Ant Farm and if we had stayed together we probably would have gone to see Weezer but alas, just like the White Stripes, we broke up. The relationship went really well, as well as could be expected for high school kids and although I don't remember much except heartbreak, I do remember the word fun. We had a great 5 months. Around 6 or 7 things fell apart in a horrible way. I was love sick and just - ugh, it's embarrassing how desperate I sounded in letters I sent to him. What's that? Oh, yes, of course I sent letters, it was high school. I hate the way I sound in letters, half of it is almost always over romanticized and the other part is just not very articulate. I literally have conversations with myself in letters. UGH MY BLOG IS A GIANT LETTER!!!!! Now, I bet you're thinking, "Renee, how do you remember your letters? How do you remember sounding desperate?" Well, Steven called me a few days ago because he found a box of letters that I had written to him. YAY for hoarding! Judging by the tone of said letters they were at the end of the relationship or well into the breakup phase and all I could read was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!

After months of not speaking to each other he called to apologize for being a stupid teenage boy. He went on about how sorry he was that he ruined everything and that he ignored me and random other things people are sorry about when they hurt someone they care about but this happened almost 14 years ago. I explained that I had gotten over it and he shouldn't be sorry because we were kids pretending to be young adults who were just being stupid. He continued in a very genuine fashion to apologize anyway. We really did have a nice relationship and we had a great fun chemistry but I think because he hasn't really met anyone quite as loyal or invested as I was (especially according to those letters), he reverts to thinking of a better time. It's easy to think of how great a relationship was when you have nothing great going on. I conjure up amazing times with old friends I'm not friends with anymore or the great times with the abusive ex-boyfriend but ultimately, things take their natural course and I'll always think we are better friends then partners. I don't like being the mold that he will compare other girls to because first loves are illusions, I don't think they're realistic. Maybe I'm a cynic but I think there is a lot of bliss in the innocence and ignorance of being a teenager that won't compare to the wisdom you gain through your adolescent and young adult years. He's had serious relationships but none of these gals were amazing people- I mean once you have had perfection, who can compare?  and I've always been the one to tell him he could do better but for a long time I don't think he really believed it. The girls he went after were pretty but geeze they were immature and crazy. I still remember the first girl he talked about after we broke up, and I even think they dated but my response was "she wears too much makeup and she's a hoochie", his mother laughed at my description. These girls he met over the last few years were me 15 years ago but older and with real baggage or in some case children and horrible ex's. I don't even know how he met these girls, I guess until right now I never thought to ask but he was invested in these relationships and most of these girls were trash not good people. I say this out of love because even though I spent a lot of time being broken up over how he dumped me when I was 17, I now treat him like a very close friend and in some cases like a brother. I've never had any delusions about our friendship and how it may seem to other people but we still just get along and I forgave him a very long time ago so for me, the apology was nice but I think he forgot about the apology he gave me 5 years ago over the phone when he was heartbroken and I said something like "good, now you get it".

When we were kids I was overbearing and obsessive and jealous and codependent. When we grew up I was still most of those things but had a lot more life experience and was better able to at least pretend to be less of those things. We were passed the hard stuff and we were friends and I was happy to be that but at some point I felt like I had to specify where I stood. So, I literally sat him down and told him that I could probably love him but I could never trust him. He broke my heart. And even though nothing happened between him and X while we were together, his eyes and heart did wander and I could never allow myself to be second to anyone. I've always had these weird little hang ups, maybe values or something along those lines. Erika and I devised rules about dating, specifically, the idea about never breaking up with someone just to get back together because if you are going to break up it better be for a good enough reason. Or in this case, being second to someone else. There isn't a second, there is only a first and if it wasn't me now, it wasn't going to be me in the future and I was going to make sure of that. So when I had this conversation with Steven he knew I was serious because both of these rules had been broken. Don't get me wrong, had I been in a healthier state of mind when I was just a tad bit older and mature I could have probably worked it out with him but it just didn't happen and we have such a great friendship now that I don't feel it would have added to our friendship. In fact, it probably would have been irreparably damaged to the point where I might not be writing about him now.  The same night I told him it was never going to happen, we hung out, had pizza and were best friends who had a sleepover and watched movies.

**** Side story about who we were**** I remember one night before Thanksgiving I slept over and one of his friends slept in the arm chair in the same room. It was innocent so get yo mind out tha gutta! The next morning when his friend slipped out to the kitchen where Steven's mom and her best friend were prepping food for the big meal the song " I Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Co. came on and we took full advantage of us being alone in the room. Nobody knew we were awake so we started banging on the headboard with our hands and his mother threw the door open and rushed in. The look on her face was priceless. She yelled at us as we laughed hysterically and started getting ready for the day. That is still one of my favorite memories of us. At that time we had been broken up for a few years but his mother loved me and probably still hopes that I will marry him someday.

Many years ago when Myspace was in full swing (damn myspace), I found and added his girlfriend (like a creeper). When I visited town a few years later he blew me off. When he and his girlfriend broke up he did seek me out and apologize. Luckily for me, Led had already taught me the lesson that girlfriends are first but I did tell Steve, I thought it was stupid and if he ever pulled that crap again, I probably wouldn't remain his friend. So, we were friends again. I was relieved to hear from him the other day because as always I try to shove Christ down his throat but I was also happy to hear that it wasn't an emergency phone call like the passing of his mom or a pregnant girl which I immediately questioned him about. Steven would sometimes call me on his birthday or when things were good or randomly when things were crazy. I once remember he called me when his mom's boyfriend died. Since I hadn't spoken to him in months I kept his number, removed him from fb and just kind of anticipated an emergency phone call so it was a huge relief when he explained why he was calling this time. Such was his signature to call me when important things would happen and this was really good for us and for rebuilding our friendship. I called him when great things would happen for me too, to let him know I was getting married, when we were having a baby and he was one of the only people I called when I went through that nervous breakdown sea change in September/October 2013. He gave me whatever advice he could and we discussed hanging out when I got to Tx. He was going through a rough time so I thought it might be a cool idea to get away to a beach or something and just hit the road. We had a plan but it fell apart because we weren't organized and although we were friends on the phone, in person is was weird and awkward and there seemed to be a strange darkness that was present. We hung out in his living room while my boy watched Daniel Tiger on the giant screen tv and discussed the horrible happenings in our lives. Then I took my kiddo home to nap and said bye and didn't hear from him until just the other day. As soon as I got back from TX last October, I took him off of my fb friends list thinking that he and I were just not the same friends we used to be and I didn't want that darkness around me. Turned out he was incredibly depressed and the isolation he was going through wasn't helping which is why he was so awkward, or at least that's how he explained it.

Steven told me he had forgotten about the letters and didn't remember what they said. Even reading them didn't jog his memory but the conversation I mentioned about us never getting back together, he remembered that. We discussed why I had such vivid memories and remembered every detail about our relationship when it soured and tried to figure out why he could hardly remember anything. It could have been the pot and then the years of partying he did but I think I remembered every single detail because it was my first real heartbreak in a relationship. It was the only time in my life that I have been dumped. It was painful and it was torturous; I lost 15 lbs that summer, best summer ever!!!! I think the breakup didn't mean quite as much to him so he didn't bother to store those memories. But the conversation we had, where I told him there was no going back it must have resonated because he remembered it vividly; it was a memory he stored.

** Alright so like always, as I write, I am looking up music. I had made this mix back when Steven
and I were dating and there is a song missing by Bush. So I was looking up other songs by the band and came across this haunting song "Out of this World" and lo and behold I remember all of the lyrics and it brought back a dull sadness. I was supposed to go to a concert with my friends but was grounded. I had a chance to see Steven or go to the concert. I chose Steven and missed the concert. We broke up pretty soon after that. I still regret missing that concert. Also, there are some lyrics " So we move, We change by the speed of the choices that we made, And the barriers are all self made, That's so retrograde". I wrote this poem called "The Retrograde" that year. It was published in the Lit Mag at school...I still think it's a pretty dope poem. The word Retrograde... the word itself is almost an idol. It's something that comes to mind at the worst times in my life. Thanks Bush and Thanks James Blake. I did find the song I was looking for after all, it's called "Inflatable". **

OHHHHHHHH Hey Guys!!! Remember the Hardcore band Thursday?! Yeah, me too! They don't sound so hardcore anymore... Listening to Thursday " Understanding in a Car Crash". Oh man I just looked up and listened to Phantom Planet-"California". This is when music started to get light and change...

Listening to Weezer: Hash Pipe. Also listening to System of a Down, Silverchair- "Untitled", Bush- "Out of this World" and "Inflatable",  Finger Eleven - Awake and Dreaming. The Church "Under the Milky way"

Listening to The Stokes, Album: Is this it?, specifically the song Someday because it's me and in one of the letters I included the song lyrics which I have included below:
"alone we stand, but together we fall apart" ( I actually misquoted here and said "The longer we stay together, we fall apart")
"Darlin', your head's not right"
"Oh, someday I ain't wasting no more time"

Read more: Strokes - Someday Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Novelty. She's Lost Control Again. (Joy Division- duh)

I keep listening to The Zombies. They're just so stinking catchy. This was originally titled "She's Not There" but then I started listening to Joy Division and we all know how that turns out.

Today I was sad to hear about the death of Robin Williams. His death is looking like a suicide which is horrible to hear. He was so talented and gosh I wish I would have learned more about him while he was alive. I will be spending a lot more time catching up on movies he was in as well as checking out his stand up. I'm interested to see Mork and Mindy because I've heard so much about it but I'm not sure that I can handle silly comedy as much anymore.

So I thought, with this blog, I would discuss a business person on my blog that I know quite well, myself. Hey, I know it's cheating but technically I am friends with my business page on fb. I've got other people I wanted to write about and have been hanging out with a few people but this seems like a fitting time to discuss some of who I used to be.

Sparrow and Manna Logo made by Krista R.

I don't like to listen to some music because the emotions that come out with said music are kind of scary. The attachment to some music is very real and very deep and can literally take me back to a time when I was an entirely different person. Or maybe, I'm afraid that the person I once was, is still kind of lingering.

You hear these stories about addicts and people with mental illness who lead full and productive lives and then one day just go off the deep end. I'm in Christ but I'm also realistic and if I ever felt like I was collapsing into who I was, even a tiny step back into who I was, I immediately change my thoughts and do some reaching out. It doesn't happen so much anymore but as I mentioned, I don't listen to some music because I don't want to revisit those thoughts or feelings. Tonight, I'm listening so I can write. Playing with fire, perhaps. But I'm being careful and plan to take breaks when I feel overwhelmed.

-And that was fast... I just started listening to "The Crystal Ship" and immediately broke down. It's a very sweet song. I used to listen to it on repeat. Not sure if this is a Led thing or just a pain/depression thing. Whatever it is, I've already sent an email asking for prayer. So, I changed how this music is going to be played. I'm adding things that don't bother me and taking breaks revisiting other parts of the blog. It gives me an emotional break and a chance to edit- yay!!!

Ok, so now, I'll start with this, I absolutely 100% hate suicide. I hate when people play victim too but let me be clear that I don't hate actual victims. I understand a victim mentality because I've been it but I think that as adults we have a particular responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can. Although not all situations are easy to escape, especially without help or education, I like to think that at some point there has got to be a health
y way out. I used to be pissed off about a friend of mine, maybe I'm still upset because I miss her and I wish circumstances could be different but they are what they are and there is nothing that I can do about it except pray. She was an adult and she was educated and had tons of family support but I saw her deteriorate into some former shell of herself because of the relationship she was in. She would leave and go back because she didn't think she could do it on her own. She had a very humble up bringing and I love her very much but it was an unhealthy relationship and I couldn't watch anymore. I'm probably a jerk for not sticking around, some might say a 'real friend' wouldn't desert their friend in an abusive relationship but I try to be realistic. She was an adult. She knew what she was doing every time she went back and she said she was still in love with him. Maybe if it was just her I might have been able to do it but she let that crap be around her kids. When it affects the kids, that's when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe she loved him and was scared to leave, she didn't have a job and he was pretty awful to her but I believe she loved herself more and that made her decision. I'm of the frame of mind that people need to put kids first. You don't have a job but you have kids, better find one. The kids saw the way he treated her. They saw her clean up the vomit from his long nights of drinking while he sobbed on the living room floor after tossing her around at 2 am. Her oldest child was acting out in many different ways and she was still concerned about her relationship status. I can't condone this. I felt guilty for being acquaintances with someone who knocked her around because I had been through it (note, I was never really knocked around, just kind of pushed, choked, took a few body shots... hmmm... ok maybe I was). I took everything that she went through personally because of what I had gone through. I didn't want him around me, let alone my kid. I didn't want my son to see her come over and cry to me because she was leaving, again, "this time". I hear that they are doing better. Maybe he went to counseling but I'm not okay with abusive people being in my life. Sorry about the rant and sorry if I'm a jerk, I know a lot of this sounds harsh but I need to make a point that I can't put up with stuff like this. Also, this was actually supposed to be about suicide, not how I hate when people go back to abusive relationships. See what happens when I change the music.

Ok, back to the point of this whole thing. I spent a lot of years depressed. I mean like from the ages of 12-21 and a brief period when I was 28. I could even trace it back to around 9 years old if I really sat and thought about it. Hilariously enough, that was about the time I really got in to music. It wasn't everyday and certainly there were happy times but even when I was in good relationships I was probably still depressed. Some of it was not fitting in school and being bullied which I didn't really consider until recently. Some of it had to do with family issues specifically being uprooted a few times and finding my grounding in Texas but more of it had to do with the state of mind I was in along with the very unhealthy combination of music. I was heavy in to Nirvana, Hole, Korn, System of a Down, Depeche Mode, Joy Division, Fiona Apple, Franz Ferdinand, The Smiths, The Cure, Stained, Tool,

Marilyn Manson (how cliche of me) and Nine Inch Nails. Geeze, with that list I'm lucky I made it out alive!!! Anyway, did I want to die? Yup. Did I really want to kill myself? Yup. Were my attempts real? None except 1. Do I regret any attempts? Nope because God can use all of the bad for good. Do these issues come up? Nope. Not really. I haven't cut since I became a Christian. It was actually a vow I took. I take vows incredibly seriously (now) and especially before God. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about these things since being a Christian but the moments where I thought about it were fleeting and I thank God for that. I can say that if I think about it for to long and if I hadn't made that vow, I would probably still cut. It's a feeling expressed on the surface. For a brief time I considered tattoos and scarification because it would probably wouldn't bother me in the least but I know it would fall into a vanity thing and I would be doing these things for the pain, not the fun of getting a tattoo or graven image on me. So, this is why I hate suicide, I tie it in to cutting all of my years of depression. It's exhausting for me to go back to that place and think about any of those years. I mean, poor sweet Erika would come visit me in the middle of the night when I told her I was suicidal. She would comfort me and almost nurse me back to a healthier state of mind and then go back home. See, she's always been destined for social work hahaha. I have notes from friends in high school saying "it will get better, please don't cut yourself anymore" and I was once slapped in the face

 when I started cutting by a friend of mine. That was 7th grade. Oh, did you want to hear about the one real attempt? Well, I was at my ex-boyfriend's house in TX. He was out with friends at a concert. I was on the phone with a friend from work just chatting as I took a handful of pills. I was done with all the BS that was going on. We were always fighting and I was just done. At some point as I was taking the pills I literally couldn't take them anymore. I immediately felt like my throat was closing. When he got home I was half conscious and then we fought some. Hit in the head with a phone (a real phone, not a cell phone), Check! Pushed around, Check! Hair pulled, Check! At some point he said he was sorry and I went to bed and woke up with my ears ringing. I have never felt so sick in my life. Nothing came out of anywhere, I wish it had but nothing. It was merely in my system. We fought some more when I started to get ready. I walked to his mom's house down the street in the pouring rain and took a cab home across town with his brothers money. His brother was incredibly abusive to his girlfriend (see this is why abuse shouldn't happen around kids!!!!!!!) and he was super nice to me and gave me some tea. I tried to call in to work and wasn't able to because the shop wasn't set  up to do that, have call in's. When I got home, I was drenched, I was weak and I left a pile of my soaked clothes by the corner of the couch where I was sleeping. I took a bath with piping hot water and this was the second time in my life that I noticed my body wasn't warming up. It was still cold after the super warm water. My coworker picked me up for work as I spit out the window the entire way. I went to the back of the store, on the clock, and lied on the floor for a few hours. Eventually my co-worker wanted help and I came up front. I was supposed to go back but ended up working the rest of the shift. I asked him to get me some cheesy bread from Peter Piper next door along with an ice cream and sprite and I was better. I honestly believe that Christ didn't let me consume anymore pills because I would have died. I also believe he put it in my heart to eat that crap to help soak it up. For some reason it just felt like that was what I needed to eat so I did and was better.
 
When I think about the last time I bought razors I can remember it vividly. I was at an HEB and I cut myself in the parking lot. It was another day of fighting and I cut myself in the car. How incredibly pathetic and desperate. I couldn't wait to get home, it had to be right as soon as I opened the damn package. This continued for a few months. I was always great at hiding my arms. Jelly bracelets went a long way and it helped that I wore the same green army jacket for about 4 years. Now, I care less about my arms (except the fat part of my arm- gross) because stuff has faded pretty well but sometimes I consider buying Bio oil just to see if it works after all these years. I think I'll be most ashamed when my kid sees my arms and asks questions and it will be a difficult conversation but if we've raised him in Christ, it should work out alright. Communication is key and I'm sure as hell not going to lie to my kid. I just hope he doesn't deal with the same issues I dealt with as a young person.

So I guess most of the things I hate are because I have or I have known someone who has experienced whatever it was I hate. I don't like suicide because it reminds me of who I used to be. Kind of weak. Kind of lonely. Mostly depressed and sometimes just bored. It also is a reminder that I am very human and although I am humbled by the experience, I absolutely hate thinking about it. There is so much more I could talk about here and I realize some of this is choppy but I'm exhausted and it's 2:44 AM.

Remember that super sweet list of songs I loved and couldn't live without? Here are the list of songs I absolutely hate:
Most things by Korn
Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" and " Something I could never have" - really truly I hate these songs, I cringe when I hear them.
I hate hate hate some Smiths songs but I also have a love/hate relationship with some so it's a toss up- specifically "There's a Light that Never Goes Out"
 A lot of stuff by Depech Mode - Thanks Ex-boyfriend! Really happy that I let you ruin my favorite band... you can't have Joy Division, well...
Joy Division "Love Will Tear Us Apart"

Talk about heavy. Go read your bible and don't be too brought down by all of this. Had I not gone through all of this I would not have given my life to Christ. Also, I will be able to use all of this fantastic life experience to edify God although most of this blog was pretty self serving today. In the future, I will have an opportunity to help other people who have dealt with these issues and hope to bring people to Christ with my impeccable honesty.

*Remember I was not sorry for swearing a few posts back? Well I was watching a youtube video of Fieldy from Korn talking about Christ and found the way to say "half-assed" without swearing! It's "half-hearted". I'll probably still swear but not so much on here :)

Listening to:
The Doors - "The End", "The Crystal Ship". Duran Duran - "Save a Prayer". Korn "Falling Away from Me", "My gift to you".  Elliot Smith- Albums: Figure 8, Roman Candle. Fleetwood Mac- "Big Love", "Rhiannon", "Little Lies" (I was only able to listen to 5 seconds of the intro.), "The Chain".
Flyleaf "The Kind" She Wants Revenge "Sister". Joy Division. The Smiths. Hole "Miss World"

Listening to:
The Dresden Dolls - "Mandy goes to Medschool", Eazy - E- " Boyz-in-the-Hood". Telecast- "The Way". The Zombies "She's not there"