Guess I'm doing Fine

What a great break I've had from everything. It's taken me a little bit of time to get back to this but I'm slowly starting up again. I'm glad to. I've talked and met up with few people and it's been great to be back in touch with church buddies.


My biggest fear about being a parent has been being stuck in mommy groups and being a run of the mill exhausted, frumpy and disheveled mom. I mean my biggest fear as a parent relates more to my child's safety and health but when it comes to me, I don't want to be the norm and I didn't want to associate with moms and go to groups. I've been to a few. The first one I went to I was told "You need to RSVP next time, you can't just show up, that's why there is an invite, we could run out of seats". It was my first time and I was invited by a friend. I'd like to add, there were a total of 4 moms at this event. Including me, my friend who invited me and the girl* yelling at me. We weren't going to run out of chairs. She then proceeded to comment on my boy being in an pj outfit. She was so condescending. I thought to myself, it matched, he's a kid, he doesn't need to be in a full ensemble, he's a baby. She should have been happy he was wearing pants! Anyway, I stayed away from mommy groups for the most part after that. I tried lunch and was given the same bs about not RSVPing and then tried a park with the same group and that's pretty much when I stopped going to groups. Something about people putting on a show and comparing children and treating new parents like they're idiots or awful people because they use formula or don't use organic everything wasn't my idea of a good time. So, we stayed inside for a long time. I think my kiddo was 9 months when we first went to that cupcake shop and then maybe a little under 2 at the last event at the park. I liked my baby. I liked being a mom. I just hated other moms or at least the ones I met at groups.

In October I went to Texas after a sea change (midlife crisis). The pressures of being a mom with a toddler who was very much in the terrible 2 stage and a husband who I just wasn't getting along with. All of these things and not being locked down to a church were enough to push me toward that vacation we never could make time for. This situation was surely brought on by the fact that my 10 year high school reunion was coming up and I met up with an old acquaintance via FB who was seemingly living my dream. He worked at a thrift store, he was making music and was making art.

Food. Lot's of delicious food.

I was with my friend Erika M. at the Zoo thanks to Matt R. 

These were the things I was supposed to do. However, I was at home, cutting coupons, making cakes and raising a child while simultaneously playing hours of Candy Crush and living in a messy house ravaged by a small child half my size. It was a hard reality to face. My life is awesome but somehow the grass is always greener and I missed being on my own. So one week later I bought a bright red MAC lipstick and started spending money while trying to fill the emptiest void I had. Two weeks later, I hopped in the car with my boy and my grandma and took a nice road trip to Ole San Antone. I am a die hard Chicagoan; the love for the White Sox courses through my blood and the bad mouth I have has been groomed through the years as I grew up in Bridgeport. I love Italian Beefs. I love Italian Ice. I love CHICAGO STYLE PIZZA (screw you NY) but for some reason, whenever I miss home, it's San Antonio. I think it's related to Christ and Hilda and wanting to be closer to the root of where I found God. I know he's with me always but sometimes it's nice to revisit the foundation. While in the throws of the sea change (meltdown) prior to the trip I did nothing but cry, take care of Noah and listen to music. I was completely depressed. I didn't want to talk I just wanted to listen to music. So on the way there I did that. I used my mom's GPS and used her Ipod transmitter and talked with my gma for hours. We split as I chose to stay with the most amazing of hosts and my gma decided to stay with family. BLAH BLAH BLAH stuff, friends, food, church, repentance for selfishness, got robbed and then my return to Chicago. It's a long story but I learned a lot. Never have I ever been that far away from Christ and so close at the same time.

My boy thought we were going to McDonalds

No really, I was robbed. They took the GPS, my cell phone cord and my ipod. The things that brought me to San Antonio were taken away, I think it was a God thing. This is why you shouldn't have idols.

One thing I told my husband before I left was that his job was to pray for me and our marriage. So while I was in TX he went to church and I went to church. When I got back we decided to attend church in the neighborhood. We met a few people that day but it was still awkward and we were still being sewn up from where we fell apart so we weren't too eager to befriend people. A few weeks went by and I started to feel like myself again. Certainly a different more realistic self but a wiser and mych better self. We volunteered to help fill Halloween candy bags and met some more people there. It was a nice experience and it was a much smaller church so it was easier to get to know people faster. We only filled bags for about 20 minutes because there were so many volunteers but we finally felt comfortable. A little while later we joined a group and that's when things started to really take off. Suddenly we were invited to a birthday party (for Krista R's son) and joined a bible study. I can only say that God will always use a bad situation and turn it in to something good, something we can edify him with. Now I can see when and how I'm slipping. I know how to pray for certain things and against idols and over romanticized ideas (remember that time I prayed against Led's death being an idol?). Rick and I learned to lean in and not out. I also learned that it was 'okay' to be a mom and be a wife and that I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone has their regrets and everyone has their gifts and there is never a time when we've passed up an opportunity so large that a door is closed forever. I mean, maybe in some instances but those never count anyway. I think that ideology has helped some with the mourning I was experiencing. I was over romanticizing the great parts of the friendship and those parts aren't valid enough reasons to constantly be depressed and to not enjoy life. If anything, I've taken some time to be with my loved ones and even though I haven't been to church in a few weeks I am still seeking the Lord and can feel him right here with me.

While at church in November I noticed the bulletin had a note about a playgroup. I was interested so I checked it out. That's when I met everyone. These people were so different from that last group. They were so welcoming. It's such a difference to be around people who have the biggest commonality that I had aside from offspring; a relationship in Christ. Sure we had kids, husbands and pets, some of us were disheveled, some of us were a total wreck but nobody cared. We talked about our kids and compared them more out of concern and less out of selfish purposes. These are the women I have slowly opened myself up to. I have a great relationship with most and I am genuinely enjoy being around them. I was out of the loop for a while, slightly depressed and busy and Rick and Erika both had stomach bugs so there was no way I was going to be a host and take it to church but yesterday I was asked to show up today for new comers to avoid another cancellation of group. I wasn't too psyched about it but man, I totally needed it. Granted, I saw Kat and J (not sure if I can use her name on here yet) a few days ago as well as Krista R. and Sarah last night but man, I needed to see my kid run around and have fun and feel the sun beaming down while socializing about my boys birthday party and other nonsense. We discussed kids and every once in a while we would bring up God. I appreciated that people were checking up on me (especially Kat) and that everyone was reading the blog and asking how I was doing when I had hard days. I really like my group, it just feels like home now.

Yup, all of that ^ just to tell you I like the kids playgroup that I'm in and I no longer hate moms.


I've never liked this Beck Album: Sea Change but I put it on to try it out right now and it's pretty great. What a fitting definition:

sea change

noun

1.

a striking change, as in appearance, often for the better.

2.

any major transformation or alteration.

3.

a transformation brought about by the sea.

* Yeah I wasn't done venting about this one. She swore like a sailor. She was a wretched woman my age who acted and dressed like she was much younger. I'm talking crap about her now because I'm still mad at how she made me feel and about how she looked down on me and my boy. I love my boy. I'll cut you if you hurt him. I'm a mom. There is a lot more than being a frumpy exhausted mom and wife than meets the eye.

Listening to My Morning Jacket, Album: It Still Moves- Master Plan, Beck: Album: Sea Change- Paper Tiger, Guess I'm doing Fine. Also listening to Eazy E- Real ************ G and Bibo: Album: Hand Cranked.

Breakout

I am lining up a bunch of catch up dates but I've been busy with Erika and her house.

She turned 30. A week later she closed on a house. This is a pretty remarkable time for her and I'm happy to be a part of it.

I've been pretty illusive at church and groups due to exhaustion from the funeral, birthday weekend and closing of the house. Obviously, I haven't done too much with the blog but I'm starting to get excited about it again. I've been making it a point to see more of my family and spend time with Rick and my boy. I'm very happy with this decision.

I feel like God is drawing me near, so I will draw near to him.

Speaking of God, let me share with you my all time favorite scripture:
Romans 12:12        12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I think it's an incredibly simple, yet, direct piece from the Bible that really reflects how to trust God. Simply, trust him.




Listening to N.E.R.D., Album: Fly or Die - Breakout

Ceremony. Procession. Everything's Gone Green.

I remember getting in to Kevin's car one time and he had his ipod hooked up to the car radio. It wasn't just the auxiliary cord, it was installed. This was a huge thing in 2006. As I sat in the passenger seat of his silver car, I immediately put on Everything's Gone Green by New Order. I usually skip songs and skip around a lot and this was the third track on the album. Kevin had this habit of skipping the intro to songs. Like he'd listen to it about 5-10 seconds in. I on the other hand, have this habit of skipping the very end. I only need most of the middle and some of the juicy chorus to make me happy. I hate the last 10 seconds of most songs with the exceptions of the endings of "Hurt" and "Closer" by NIN. I still think it's funny that this was something we agreed on, we only liked the middle of songs. I don't know anyone else who has either of these quirks. Currently, Rick always busts my chops about it and says "can't you ever listen to a whole song" My response is and will always be "no".

Erika picked me up on Saturday around 10:30 am. We made our decision that we would be in and out because 'Harry' said there wouldn't be an actual service. We originally had plans to be in Michigan and I was kind of relieved about not being able to attend the service. I was past the crying stage and was very easily in the acceptance/hope stage so me missing the funeral wasn't as heartbreaking for me. I spoke with 'Harry' a little about specifics like time and location for the funeral. I remorsefully told him we were not going to be in town and thus would be unable to make it. He was quiet but he was also driving so I'm not really sure if he was upset or just busy but it was a little awkward. I felt bad about missing the service but the plans with Erika and family and friends were set and it's a little harder to cancel a 30th birthday in a different city when a bunch of people are going. Or so I thought.

Erika's perspective was she wanted closure and thought I would be weighing my options of going to MI or not based on the funeral schedule. There was little communication between us and she basically assumed I would want to go to the service. Granted, most of our communication was via text so it would make sense that things would have gone this way. She proceeded to cancel with everyone and told me that she wanted to attend the funeral. I had no choice. I had to go. I wanted to avoid the awkwardness that come along with funerals but I also wanted to avoid any feelings that might come back to the surface. I had been doing so well. I wasn't crying anymore. So, I told her I wanted to go early and be in and out so we could go celebrate her birthday after. She agreed after I put up a fight. She was going on about how she was staying for the service at 2:30 pm but I kept telling her there would be no service according to 'Harry'. I should have remembered there would be some sort of service. I used to study Mortuary Science and I loved it. I didn't like the business aspect of it though nor did I care for having to be a licensed funeral director, I just wanted to embalm people. The first funeral I was a part of via my class clinical was weird. I drove the limousine with the family leading what remained of the procession after the burial at the cemetery. I'd like to add, I got lost in good ole San Antonio and when the family realized I was taking an unusually long time to get back to the funeral home they quietly stopped crying from the backseat and asked me where I was going. I explained that I was lost and they gave me directions on how to get back. I believed what I wanted to that day.

Erika 'keeping it real' as far as documentation while I was on my phone. 

Me "keeping it real" as she takes a picture of me.

As Erika picked me up, I begrudgingly walked toward her car wearing the same dress I wore to my son's dedication ceremony. I sat in the car, we followed the GPS and then hit traffic. We left the house about 10:30 am and got to the funeral around 1:40 pm. Our intention was to make it to the funeral home by 11. As time went on we felt less of the urgency to get there on time and began to stall. Our first stop was, of course, at Starbucks . I had my usual bagel with cream cheese and finally tried a vanilla latte. I don't like vanilla enough to ever have it as my choice of latte again. She had a Frap and some banana bread I think. We knew we had to eat because if we by chance got stuck at the funeral for hours, we would regret having nothing in our stomachs. We had a nice chat. We talked about a lot of things but not so much about Kevin. It felt just like a normal day where we hang out and shoot the breeze.

I realize it's a little morbid and probably disrespectful to take pictures on my way to a funeral but it's how Erika and I got through it. I wanted to remember this day clearly and now I have the photographs to remind me. There is something about looking like you're going to a funeral that makes it feel just a little worse. Who the hell wears a black dress and black heels when it's 80 degrees out? People going to funerals, that's who. I felt like people were looking at us as we walked into the Starbucks but it could have all just been in my head.

When we finished our food and drinks we made the decision to visit a casino. Erika said she would take me to the casino after Starbucks and before the funeral but we didn't have any cash so we stopped off at Walgreens. After going around in circles because of a GPS that lacked updated maps and tons of construction and a car accident, we found the Walgreens. It had gotten late so I was only pulling cash for dinner at this point. As I strolled through Walgreens I made jokes about how Erika was my BFF, a title very seldom used since breaking code and dating her brother.

I found a Coke and made jokes and decided to check for a coke for my grandma's name. I have to say, great marketing Coke, you got me. I guess I never buy bottled soda anymore because after I paid for it, I realized I had spent almost $3 on a bottle of soda. I was caught off guard when I opened the door to the refrigerator to look for 'Dolores' and instead found 'Kevin'.

Apparently the same people also have a coke with the deceased persons' name on it and take pictures in the parking lot at a Walgreens also appreciate taking said pictures in the middle of the street....

We took our money, our pictures and then headed to the funeral. We talked about how we were nervous, how our stomachs were literally turning and how awkward this would be. I opened the door and saw a room full of people. I knew Kevin's car had been brought back from where he was living and I had glanced through the parking lot to see if it was there. It wasn't. Upon entering I saw 'Harry'. He was so much older than the last time I saw him. He had also lost some of his pudginess but I guess being a medic in the Army would do that. We hugged, he welcomed me and then I said hello to Kevin's cousin who I will now refer to as 'Mario'. 'Mario' was the cousin I wanted to avoid seeing because of the weird leaving him for Kevin thing. I saw a bunch of other people I knew. I greeted everyone. People were happy to see me and that was very strange. They knew me from my mom but they knew me from Kevin and they talked with me about life stuff, not about the reason why we were seeing each other that day. Everyone said "Thank you for coming, I heard you have a little boy, I'm glad you were able to make it and it's a shame we get together only when these things happen". As I went through the crowd I saw Kevin's older brother whom I will refer to as 'Anthony' as well as another cousin that I will refer to as 'Flea'. 'Flea didn't recognize me. We've had very little interaction but I'd remember him anywhere. 'Anthony' has a nice haircut which I remarked, we gave a kiss to each other on the cheek and I gave him a hug and asked him how he was doing. He kept saying that "Kevin was such a good guy". True or not, that remark was made out of guilt. They had a strained relationship over a girl of course but we'll get to that later. 'Anthony' wore sunglasses just like 'Mario' and he was soft spoken and a great host. Erika and I went inside after signing the guest book and found our seats behind some of Kevin's work friends. We stared at the three giant picture boards that were covered in pictures of Kevin spanning his life. Not so many of the later years but plenty of his childhood. He looked my my kid which was hilarious. 

The pastor didn't know Kevin. He didn't force Christ on people but he did bring up great scriptures talking about how Christ is with us no matter what citing Psalm 34: 17-18

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He was a young pastor, seemed a bit green but he was personable and he mentioned the most important thing I heard since Kevin's death. The pastor said that Kevin had been seeking Christ and had gone to church. Do you understand what this means to a Christian? I've been upset to know that Kevin's issues and demise were his own doing and he could never get passed his demons and the thought that he could be spending eternity in hell, burning, tortured, living how he lived- just so far from Christ and so alone was part of why I was so broken up about his passing. It's a relief to know he could be in heaven. I didn't want to ask his family for more information because I was afraid that they would tell me that he wasn't saved. I don't care about the specifics anymore, I can't. What's done is done and is very final. I hope he's in heaven relieved of his pains and struggles and in God's presence. I had that little bit of info shared by the pastor so nonchalantly to help me get some peace and it's more important now for me to talk to people about Christ. So I will. And for the record, it was the only time during the funeral that I shed any tears. I believe, as far as I can remember, they were the last tears I shed. Tears of joy.

When 'Harry' spoke about Kevin he told a story about Kevin flying off the handle at some store because 'Harry' wasn't able to return a gift he got. It was just like Kevin. Everyone was laughing because we all knew that side of his personality. It didn't help that 'Harry' told us Kevin went to the store wearing pj pants and a leather jacket. In all realty, he probably degraded the person behind the counter and made them apologize proving he would do anything for his little brother. He always had heart even when he had a temper. When 'Harry' was done, he sat down. The room was silent and his mother quietly whimpered and all you heard from everyone else in the silent room was sniffling. Gosh, the loss of a son. We all heard the quiet heartbreak of his mother, and then our hearts broke. 

After a while his dad stood up and invited everyone to a reception afterward. Kevin's mother stormed out when he began to talk about himself. 'Anthony' went after her. I heard that at some point Kevin's mother was in the bathroom crying and people were supporting her. It was nice to hear but I stayed the hell away from the bathroom. I hope that this funeral could mend some relationships. 

And so that chapter is closed.

On a completely unrelated topic, I've discovered  why I like rap, it's because I feel nothing when I listen to it and generally besides the overly salacious lyrics, most tell pretty dope stories of their struggles. I've got zero struggles so I can't relate. I like the stories. I will say that from all that I've been listening to I do seem to have a strange attraction to Miami New York and Cali now. 

"No money, no family, 16 in the middle of Miami..." Iggy Azelea

(There's no way I could relate to this^)

I'm not sure that I feel better. I'm tired but I feel like I want to be better. So now, I will try.

No more half assing it. 

Also, I decided to use Kevin's name in this post, and only this post, because it was his funeral and he deserves for people to know his name. It was done out of respect for him and the relationship/friendship I had with him. My ideas about him, he was a great and hilarious person. He had a horrible temper and he could be a real jerk sometimes. He had this way about him, quite the charmer, very likeable and very just... Kevin. His little brother said it best "If you knew him, he immediately took a piece of your heart, and if you didn't get to meet him, you missed out."

Listening to: New Order, Azealia Banks, M.I.A., Amerie, Grimes, Iggy Azelea, and Chicago House Music Mixes via Youtube.

Liquorice

So I seem to have this problem since the funeral. I lack ambition. I think this is a kind of depression but I'm pretty happy. I just don't feel like revisiting that day. Too many emotions. I have another post where I am just going on and on about that day and it's taking so much longer than I'd like. The same thing happened with a project I started for a client. I began the project right before I heard about Led and then I went on and didn't do the project for about 3 weeks. She has been really understanding, she's a Christian so I think that had something to do with it. I finally decided that I wanted to get the project done so I did it, then sent it out the next day. The same day I went to do an inspection on a property that we put an offer on today. I've got a very important cake due this weekend and my son's third birthday party next weekend. It's all been pretty fun but I think it's overwhelming subconsciously.

I've got prayer tomorrow night and then group right after. Maybe seeing people and praying will help some. I've been praying on my own and even dared to read straight from the book on my own so I'm cool with Jeezy but I still don't feel like I am where I need to be quite yet. I'll pick up soon and treat the blog like I did the pocket tissue holders I made for the client and when I complete that post, I'll be relieved and ready to continue. It's just getting over that hurdle.

I've been reading a lot of Vice.com. It's a pretty depressing out there. Great journalism with very graphic war stories. Some weird stories sometimes as well but I really like the way they cover the things going on around the world.

I've also been listening to female rappers non-stop. Specifically Azealia Banks. She's kind of vulgar but she has really great beats and they rhyming is pretty good. She's got great flow. I kind of just feel like dancing which I hadn't done since last September I believe. Her style is very early 90's which is incredibly nostalgic for me. Also her samples are simple and sound like some of the early Chicago House.

I think this is depression but I've got nothing to be sad about.

I'm also on germaphobe mode, Rick, Erika and my mom had stomach bugs but the boy and I are healthy and not sick so thank Jesus for hand washing, lot's of soap and bleach wipes. Also, I'm 100% on faith that we won't get sick. This is truly a miracle from God. Just have a strange peace about the whole things... but I'm still drinking my Kombucha too so I'm sure that's helping... but God made Kombucha so there.


Listening to Azealia Banks "Liquorice" on loop via youtube.

http://youtu.be/ZlWRhnYgWcc

Update

I have gotten through half of my next post. I've been writing it for days. It is about the funeral. I've been pretty unfocused.

That is all.

Heads Will Roll

MY GOD!!! This is a woman a person could fall in love with. In fact, my friend fell in love with her.

When I first saw Tawny on Richard's page it was something like, they were having a baby or getting married. I hadn't really spoken with Richard in a while so it was news to me but it also seemed to be news to a bunch of people posting about how quickly their relationship was moving forward. Upon first glance you need to understand that all Marines (and most people who serve our country) are just hot by title. Marine- automatically hot. Army- You're pretty cool but not hot like a Marine. Airforce- I've got nothing. Maybe Brains come to mind (hahahaha no pun intended). Geeze, when I was talking about this with Tawny today I completely forgot to mention The Navy... I just remembered them right now (no offense). Anyway, so when I saw she was a Marine I thought, hell yes, a woman Marine. She must kick ass. And it made so much sense that Richard would want to be with her. She was covered in tattoos, she had a motorcycle or at least liked them and she was HILARIOUS. He was also a Marine so I'm sure that was something they could relate to one another with. He needed an equal and from the first time I read one of her comments on his timeline, she was it. I was ecstatic about this relationship. I even told Rick how much I really liked her for him and that I thought she was super cool. I had no idea who she was but she was pretty and swore like a sailor (see how I just added the Navy there? Alright, Navy can be hot too) and that was just what my old friend needed.

As time went on she would post things to (Richard) Rod's page and she was hilarious. She would post random creeper status' and pretend stalked her husband. It was adorable. She was creepy and she made it cute. She also posted tons of pictures of their boy, who is really cute, and very close to my sons age. A lot of what she posted were memes. Every once in a while she would post these long rants about something that upset her. This one time she posted a story about something that happened at a mall. She confronted a young mom about the way she was treating her child. That's when I started to really like Tawny. She didn't give a crap what you thought. She was going to tell you if you were out of line. She was going to help you see the error of your ways because nobody taught you better. And she might be nice about it but you wouldn't ever be able to tell anyway because she would probably swear at you. It's just who she is. And I appreciated that amount of honesty. Don't get me wrong, I didn't know her and called her out on a judgment she made of people but she took it in stride and didn't fight me about it. Maybe it was the matter of respect for a difference of opinion or even an understanding that she focused on which meant she wasn't particularly prideful that made it very easy to like her. She had morals and values that showed through even when she wasn't saying anything and this was something I could respect.

Tawny almost tagged me to this pic via fb. Great minds...

I added her after her rant about the person she confronted. I think she was the first person I had never met in person that I added based on her posts on someone else's page. At some point, because she and I had very little interaction to her adding me, I told Rod that I was in love with his wife. And honestly, she has yet to let me down. When I first asked her via fb if she was up for doing an interview for the blog she was all in. I wasn't sure how it was going to go but man it was incredibly easy. I knew it would be just by the way she was on fb. So I started off a little nervous but I asked her about how she and Rod met. He was why I added her, after all. She went on to discuss a short courtship followed by a baby and a courthouse marriage. I discussed how I knew Rod, how we were friends a long time ago and there was a slight interest but the timing was always off. We were pen pals and I still have some stuff from when he was in Okinawa. She was easy going and she so freely shared about every question I asked. I asked about their baby a little bit, about her step daughter and learned a little about baby mama drama. We discussed Gay marriage, Pentecostal and Non-denomination religions. I openly admitted that I was Pro-life and that I hated the word Anti because it felt negative and she was totally in agreement. She has the same values which is pretty hard to find. She wholeheartedly admitted that swearing was 'wrong' but she knew it and was working on it. She was interrupted by children but never once sounded annoyed as she pointed out a movie to whom I believe was her stepdaughter. She was graceful and articulate and everything I hoped and wanted from a fb friendship. Truth be told we discussed almost every facet from each other's lives (except not so much about her family and not the couponing conversation we originally intended to have). We discussed finances, working, being homemakers, house hunting and a little bit about her marriage. It was effortless. It was like we were friends and hadn't seen each other in years and just picked up where we left off. It was a great conversation. This conversation was what I wanted from this experiment. I wanted to get to know someone and make a friendship outside of memes (yes I'm aware that this is covered in memes). I wanted to learn who a person on my friend's list was because I want to have friends on my friends list not just random strangers. I was taken a back a little bit when she told me she added me just because I requested her. I don't know when we will hang out but I discussed Dinoworld and it sounds like that could be a possibility. She is waiting to hear back from a job interview so it might be sometime before we meet in person but she's only in Ohio. I like road trips. According to Mapquest, she is only 5 hours and 19 minutes away. It's doable. I'm glad this went as well as it did. I would've hated to remove her from my friends list because the memes she posts are very funny... oh yeah, and she's ok too!

OH and one more thing, we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. That's a long time to be on the phone with someone you haven't met in person. It's also incredibly personal considering the way we communicate with people these days.

Listening to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Album: It's Blitz: Heads Will Roll. Also listening to all Yeah Yeah Yeah's albums.

In the Name of Love

I've always really liked U2. I just did. Reminds me of my mom during the 90's listening to XRT.  It also reminds me of Led and his older brother because apparently a bunch of kids listen to songs from 15 - 20 years before their time and the band is still awesome.

It's been a really great last few days. Back to regular life. Less blogging, hardly any crying and just happy thoughts all around. I really enjoy the time with my husband and boy. I felt a little like I wasn't able to really have fun with them because I was experiencing a loss of someone I really cared about but once I got passed the hurt, everything felt so much better. It's kind of like a migraine, if I could liken death to something so simplistic, you hate your life for as long as you have the migraine. You are sick, nauseous, exhausted and just over all cranky and mad. Sometimes you need a cold pack, sometimes a hot pack. You can't eat, and sleep is 50/50 because even if you're in and out of pain, the nausea keeps you awake and you're reminded of it every time you wake up when you do knock out. Then, after some sleep, you wake up. The first few hours are still slightly crappy. A little headachey, a little grossed out by the thought of food but that stabbing pain in your eye has become a little more dull. Then you have some water, get out of bed, and slowly, you come out of a haze. You go about your business, knowing full well that this could be a trick. You know a migraine could happen all over again if you don't drink enough water or stay out of really bright areas of the house. Then without notice, you are just better. And then the best part comes, maybe it's after food, or maybe it's after taking a shower but it happens, everything is brighter, everything tastes better, everything is better. I know full well that this will happen again, migraines, like death, are unexpected or at least can be, and you never know what will happen except immense amount of pain and prayer. So what do you do to avoid a migraine? You watch your triggers. You spend time with the people you are closest to. You make the best of your time. You treasure the conversations and the time you spend without a migraine because you know it will happen but you never know when. And the symptoms and feelings will be the same but the situation is always different. Just like death.

This is how I explain the death of an old friend that I loved. Everything is better but not forgotten.

This week has been a little busy, the weekends always are, but the conversation I had with Kat about being a possible introvert really resonated with me. I'm introducing more self-care into my life. It's not that I don't want to do stuff, it just might be that I want to do everything and it's too much all the time. Stress is one of my triggers so it would make sense that I have been having migraines for the past few months and I feel this has been the busiest season of my life. So, I'll take my time and slow it down and just enjoy the time I have to spend with people. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Up until now, I've been pretty good about rekindling old relationships via this experiment. With Kat, it's a very new relationship. My first impressions of Kat were- Is She a Christian? She's really pretty; very nice make up and style. She looks amazing after having 3 boys! Like really amazing, like how does one pull that off? And upon my first real conversation with her, I found her to be a little aggressive... Turned out she's just got a type A personality and likes information about food.

The first time I saw her she was in and out of play group. She has 3 children and was going home to give them lunch and a nap. I don't even know how long it took before we actually spoke, she was always either running out, as I always showed up late to group, or she was unable to make it. Truth be told, I only ever started showing up to play group more frequently and on time because Krista would pick me up. One day after a play group I told Krista I didn't like Kat. My words literally were spaced out and very slow coming out of my mouth "I.. don't... like...her". I tried to say it gently but there really wasn't a way to do that. I just didn't like her and I felt awful about that. I couldn't figure her out and felt like she often just ignored me. I will say, in all fairness, it is incredibly difficult to have conversations with adults, especially adults you don't know, when kids are going nuts all around you. Krista laughed it off and assured me that Kat was a really nice person but it might take a little time. I thought to myself, yeah, maybe, but it's been months. So with that I just let it go. Gave it to God and didn't pay mind one way or the other.

As time went on we found a common interest, FOOD. She's very into healthy lifestyle and clean foods so when we started to talk about it, both of us were a little excited. Remember ^ when I said she was a little aggressive and she liked food? That was our first real conversation and I felt like I was being pelted with question upon question before I could get the answer from the last question out. It was hilarious. We talked about dehydrating, juicing, organics and happy meats. I was really happy to have this conversation because I finally got to talk with her and it also reminded me why I liked the healthier lifestyle.

The first time she invited me to the park I was a little nervous. I didn't know if others were invited and had no idea what to talk about. As always, Kat looked pretty. I keep mentioning this because she does it so effortlessly. Who could make a summer shirt and jeans look fancy? Kat! We walked around the neighborhood and then to her place when the kids became restless at the park. We talked about a movie we saw with other moms from our Thursday group. It was just a little after mother's day and I found myself in a van with a bunch of moms, going to go see a movie called "Mom's Night Out". In a moment, I had become a cliche and it hit hard. I told Kat, in confidence, that I cried during the movie not because of the cheese-ball ending but because it was so spot on. She was sympathetic and that was cool because I could see her heart for the first time. She was very gentle and caring while we discussed it (in a five minute conversation) as I tried to get away from the conversation because it's a hard one to have. And this gets me thinking. It's hard for me to get to that point where I realize I'm a mom sometimes. The only thing I have in common with people these days is the fact that I have a child and I'm a Christian. I guess when I think about being a mom I always thought this would be an easy transition. Like, hey, I can be an artist, I just need to bring my kid along. In fact, my dream before I became a Christian was to have a record store and have a kid with me behind the counter and a small dog to keep us both company. BUT NOBODY TOLD ME KIDS NEED NAPS TO GROW!!! You don't really have options when you have kids. Kids really do need to come first. Which is probably why I've been so happy with my one child and not excited to have more and it's possible that these kids of ours are partially the reason why relationships can't grow as quickly. During a conversation with Kat she brought up the same idea about friendships with strangers. Would she be hanging out with the people she hangs out with if we didn't have kids? In truth, the answer is no. Unless it was at a bible study or something, we would never cross paths. We have entirely different interests with the exception of

Kombucha making and clean foods. The time Kat invited me to the park (and then to her house) was when I finally had an opportunity to learn more about her. Maybe the kids were happy playing with their toys and maybe my boy was excited for new toys but that's when things slowed down for us and we finally had a chance to talk. I didn't realize until recently that we hadn't gotten particularly deep in conversations. A million times I've considered talking to her about deeper things but then one of our kids flips out and it's just too hard. And here in the experiment, I am going to say, THAT'S OK! It has taken me months to get to know Kat, and I have kind of only scratched the surface. I figured out that I don't need a deep relationship with someone in order to have a good relationship with them. Krista was right, I really like Kat (now ha ha ha). She's very smart, very disciplined, a Christian woman who is a great mom and wife. Her focus is on her kids and she is a better mom than she thinks she is (I say that because she is a little hard on herself). Her kids are amazing and you know how I feel about kids, they are who they are because of their parents. Oh! She's also got a hilarious attitude about her white couches that is honest and true. Why shouldn't she have nice white couches just because she has kids? It's all about discipline and rules and I can get on board with that. Most importantly, after learning more about who she is through groups and parties and play groups and church, she's a very sweet person and has a generous heart. It does take time to see that side of her though.

Things I've learned from Kat:
You can make your kids respond with "Yes mommy" rather than just a plain old yes.
You can have 3 boys, a dog and a clean house AND be healthy (I really should be trying harder)
You can also find time to look amazing if you get up just a little earlier (and own make up... and know how to apply it)
And last but not least, even though my first batch with her failed, I finally have my first batch of Kombucha because of her.

A final thought, maybe FB can be used to keep up with friends you don't have much time to spend with. Kind of a way to get to know someone outside of conversations because you don't have the time. I used to think if you cared enough about something, you make the time. I'm starting to believe, sometimes, there just isn't enough time in the day, no matter how hard you try.


Listening to U2, Album: The Best of 1980-1990. Also listening to The Smashing Pumpkins, Album: Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness- By Starlight. Pearl Jam- Corduroy.

Modern Man

I had Friday off from blogging. Something about general frustration, heat and a migraine that helped me with the decision to skip writing for the day. I did see a few friends that day and the night before I went to an amazing women's group I attend every other Thursday. Prayer with Krista went well too!

I also hit acceptance that day. Didn't feel much like talking, just accepted the fact that when someone dies, that's it. It's permanent and nothing can change that fact. It's unbelievably sad but it's all a part of life. So with that, I've been working more on living life. Remembering the good times and making new memories with friends and family. Felt a little down about an emotional discussion with a friend but aside from that it's been pretty busy and pretty uphill. I've got a little more ambition, feel great about saying 'no' to people about hanging out now that I found out I'm an introvert, and I just want to do stuff. Most stuff than last week but less stuff that I don't want to do, if that makes sense.

I was given a cantaloupe plant today. I put it right in the ground. Why focus so much on death when I have an opportunity to focus and make life.

I added a friend to fb that I had previously removed a few months ago. I was happy to hear from him and hope to hang out soon.

I won't discuss Mel in this blog because today is my 5 year anniversary with my super amazing husband Rick and I'd like to spend more time with him.

I'm really happy today. I've got great friends. Great family. And my boy is happy and healthy. Not much more I can ask for. Thank you Jesus.

Listening to Bad Religion, Album: Against the Grain

Float On

And just like that, acceptance.







Listening to Modest Mouse- Float On

Portions for Foxes (This seems to be about music)

So no interview. Lot's of hanging out with lots of people. Turns out that I may be an introvert so this is slightly awkward. I feel like I should take a test to find out if I'm an introvert but I doubt buzzfeed has a test that would be accurate... (Update: I took a test, apparently I AM an introvert, I feel like I've lived my life as a lie. Thank God Kat told me I could be an introvert.I never even considered it. How the heck did I get by this whole time being so busy all the time?)

I was thinking that I should title this blog "Another One Bites the Dust" but then I'd have to listen to it and even though I enjoy Queen, I have to be in the mood for Queen. So I guess I will just start by saying, today I had my first FB 'friend' removal since beginning the project. It's kind of sad because I thought I was friends with said person or at least on friendly terms but I don't take it personally. I was a little confused as to why he added me in the first place, he never 'liked' any of my posts or commented on them so I didn't really get it. Why add a 'friend' if you don't have any intention on being a 'friend'? I reached out a few times on different occasions and then just pressed the 'unfriend' button. Easy peasy. No time to waste. Life is short. No time to dwell.

I feel like I'm in a much better place. I'm thinking eye of the storm here though. I say this because the days are getting easier. I'm accepting what is and what I cannot change but I also haven't seen Led's family for the memorial yet and that will be another storm in itself. Generally, I have moments that are easy. I went most of the day without crying, which is awesome. I heard an acoustic version of "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters. It was so sweet and slow and just gentle that it made me tear up. I was busy most of the entire day and I'm sure that kept me preoccupied but even in times of silence or solitude, I'm working through this better.

However, at the present time I am listening to  Nine Inch Nails "The Day the Whole World Went Away (Quiet)" and it is heart wrenching.

I've had a very emotionally draining day. I honestly don't feel like writing about it. I just want to veg and watch tv. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I get to see Mel!!! I haven't seen her in 11 years.

Also, I'd like to add, that at certain times in my life, specific music played and had an absolute affect on my life. For a long time I loved Nirvana. I was so in love with the band and Kurt Cobain that I idolized
both to a somewhat unhealthy degree. Honestly, because of who I was back then, it literally annoys me to listen to an entire album. Lot's of memories. Some awful and some great but mostly, the emotion behind the time period and the songs and albums that coincide are so heavy that I can't do it. I asked Mike (Aimee) what her favorite band was and she responded "When?". My sentiment exactly, so here is the quick list so I can feel like I accomplished something with his blog and go watch tv for an hour before bed... I'd like to add, it's 1 a.m.

Years: 6-14, Nirvana
Years: 9-14, Hole, Babes in Toyland, Bush, NIN, Sublime, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Silverchair, Marilyn Manson.
Years: 13-16, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Jimi H, Korn, Hole, Babes in Toyland, Sonic Youth, NIN, Marilyn Manson, A Perfect Circle,
Years: 15-23,  Queens of the Stoneage, The White Stripes, Weezer, Gorillaz, Portisheard, NIN, Joy Division, Depeche Mode, Duran Duran, Franz Ferdinand, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, David Bowie, The Beatles, Hot Hot Heat, At the Drive In, The Mars Volta, Spoon, Interpol, Talking Heads, U2
Years: 23-present: All of the above with less Nirvana, Babes in Toyland and Hole. Also, I never listen to Korn anymore...I don't even own any.

Also, I would like to add that my favorite songs are the following in no particular order and they aren't even bands that I list as 'favorite' necessarily:

Otis Redding: (Sittin' on) The Dock of the Bay
The Police: Roxanne
Marvin Gaye: Heard it Through the Grapevine
Franz Ferdinand: Michael
At the Drive In: Arcarsenal

Sorry for half-assing it. Sorry for swearing. Sorry I'm not sorry because I haven't figured out how to say it without swearing.

Listening to The Cardigans, Album: Gran Turismo- Starter. Also listening to Nine Inch Nails "Hurt", "The Day the Whole World Went Away (Quiet)". Rilo Kiley " Portions for Foxes". Also, The Police. And U2 -Sunday Bloody Sunday.

1 Thing

Today I met up with Erika again. We had a long talk about some stuff going on in her life and we also spent some time talking about her house. Picking paint colors for rooms at expensive prices per gallon can seems like fun but it's hard work.

Aside from that, we of course talked about Led...we seem to discuss more and more of him lately. (Also, one time I was at Led's and back when stealing music was all the rage I asked him to download some music for me. 1 Thing was one of the songs. When I first put it on it happened again, I cried like I did with Glow. It was totally subconscious and I was only listening to it because I found it on my itunes library.)

I figured out a little bit more about why I was so mad about the picture from his obituary. It looked so much like him. The him I fell in love with when I was a kid and the him that I remembered when I dated him. He looked exactly how I remembered him. A while ago when I added his brother to fb I saw pictures and he was in a few of them. He didn't look the same. Still had the same smile but he didn't look particularly healthy. Maybe he looked tired. He had gained a little weight but it wasn't that. He just didn't look like he did the last time I saw him. So the picture from his obit, that was a little bit of a punch.

I find myself in a strange place. Somewhere between guilt and anger with a sprinkle of regret. I've been thinking about that last phone message a little bit more. I know it was healthier that I didn't call back but there is regret now because I will NEVER know. I can't beat myself up over this for very long but it's still fresh people.

As one of my favorite books is so perfectly titled: The Days are Just Packed. Erika was coffee/breakfast/tea, Erin was hanging out talking about food and menu planning and Krista was pizza at Fab Freddie's. Tonight I have dinner with Kat.

So I'm not really sure where I want to go with this. I guess I'll go with Krista. She's super amazing. I really like her. It was instantaneous like with Sarah. She was dressed kind of pretty, like always. She wore jeans and light colors. And a scarf. Like the fancy kind for style, not for winter. She was really friendly and I didn't really know what to think except that her kids were super awesome. She has this big bright smile and this little cackle of a laugh. Sometimes when she's being sarcastic, which I don't think is her natural state, she get's this funny little look in her eye. It's a sly look, not noticeable unless you know her and she's about to be slightly dark funny with me. Also, just so you know, she is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. I once told her that I wasn't very fond of someone and she just laughed and told me that the person was a nice person and I could trust them. Let me tell you, her opinion meant a lot and she was right. I have since then hung out with this person multiple times. Also, she helped me get over myself and go back to church. I had this issue with church because I've been burned a few times and I told her I just had an issue with actually getting up and going. She said, "Oh, that's the enemy. And people... isn't it amazing that the Lord loves us. Church, just a bunch of flawed people who love Jesus..." She said it so kindly and with such gentleness and finesse that I was immediately convicted and have since then only missed church because of being out of town or Led's passing. When I think of the Fruits of the Spirit, she exemplifies them 100%.

(Random side note: I tend to judge people on how well their kids behave. Hilda once made a really good point about kids and their parents. You could always tell who the people were based on their kids. If they were Christian at home or just Christian at church. And it's true. Does your kid disrespect you but plays an angel in front of you? That's a Christian at church baby. I know what your thinking, Renee, your kid acts a fool. And you know what, you're right. But that's because he needed a nap, was hungry or I was there. If I step away, for the most part, he is an angel. Not an angel because I'm around. He's still working out his theories of testing with me too so I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Anyway, so this one time we were at the play group with the kids and Krista just starts talking about how she had a miscarriage before she had her second baby. I was pretty shocked. I had only been around her a few times and I didn't know her very well and she wasn't crying or falling apart. She was merely telling a story. It was so incredibly brave and very honest. It was kind of raw and sad but beautiful because you could see how Christ was working in her life. She wasn't bitter. She wasn't angry. She was grateful and more appreciative of the two children who were living. She's still not sure about the time frame between the loss and her daughter but somehow, someway, when it seemed like she shouldn't have gotten pregnant again, she was. And that baby girl is one little cutie pie!

And so here we are almost a year later and it happens again. The first time there wasn't much of an explanation as to "why" it happened. This time, was just the same. No reason. No information that it could happen again or that it wouldn't. Just the fact that it had now happened again and there was nothing she could do about it. I had an inkling that she was pregnant but kept quiet because it's weird to say "hey, you're pregnant aren't you?". Pregnancy was a sensitive subject, still is to some degree so I kept quiet. When she told us that she had another miscarriage it was upsetting and heartbreaking. She wanted another baby and she lost it. That kind of loss is immeasurable. We didn't talk much about it but it did come up, I checked up on her but was still really confused about approach. We definitely prayed about it and she's since then pulled herself together and is slowly moving forward.

Krista is a calorie counter. She is pretty healthy... na, I can't really say that. She eats some processed foods or foods that are delicious and rich but at least they are homemade. She doesn't go out to eat very much. She mentioned to me that after the loss of this last baby she had stopped counting calories and just ate whatever she wanted. I supported that. I still do. Then like a little light bulb that just lit up she stopped eating so horribly and started to care again. Sometime you just need bad food to feel better and when you're all better, you can go back to regular life and feel better better.

So we all know I think healthy but I'm not actually healthy. I make bad food choices all the time so I like to drag my friends into my bad decision making and Krista is usually down to take one for the team. She is very reliable. I can really appreciate that. Not many people would ruin their diet for you. Today, I was so busy running around that I didn't really have time to eat real food. A donut and an Arnold Palmer are not my ideas of real food so around lunch time, I was starving. I asked Krista if she wanted to meet with me at Fab Freddie's and like the trooper she is, she met me there about 40 minutes later. We talked about Led and about the blog, as I am truly interested in people's opinions of it and it was a really great conversation. She was so apologetic and sweet. She was able to talk about death because she had experienced it within her own life a few times and even more specifically through the loss of babies (and her grandpa whom she gushed about). It was hard to listen to her being so open but I really do think that these loses she has endured will help her with her ministry. She has an ability to relate and when we talked about how people DON'T talk about it she was absolutely okay about me discussing it in my blog. She didn't shy away from it and she was honest. I didn't know that after a miscarriage you still have symptoms of pregnancy like nausea, exhaustion etc. It's so sad to know that those were things she was going through and there wasn't going to be a baby at the end of it. In fact, there was a loss along side of it which is devastating. So I now have an opportunity to pray for her and more people because we TALKED about miscarriage. Not in immense detail but in enough detail to get the conversation going.

This whole thing Friends via Fb thing was meant to help me deal with the loss of someone I used to be close with and make relationships with the people I have as 'friends' on fb. This meeting, even though it lasted a little under 2 hours and the kids were being crazy 95% of the time, was the most important meeting I've had thus far. I learned what it was to really listen and to hear about something very personal not via some stupid fb post or some other narcissistic avenue. I also felt like I was better able to understand that sometimes we just need to be there.

I was feeling pretty crappy about the blog for a few days but today, today I felt like I was doing it right. No guilt associated with it. Just hanging out building relationships.

Listening to my kid cry as he tries to take a nap. Also listening to Alanis Morissette: Uninvited. Amerie: 1 thing. At The Drive In, Album: Relationship of Command. Also, sat in silence for a while.

Time of the Season and Young Folks

In case you hadn't noticed, I began to title my blog posts with songs. It's just clever. And I listen to lots of music. Generally I connect music with different times of my life.


I didn't realize how busy I was until I over extended myself again. Today, outside of my husband, I will have seen 3 friends. That's like 3 blog posts and I shouldn't do anymore this week right? Maybe I'll do less detail. I'd like to mention, if I didn't care about my boy having a nap today, it would have been 4 friends. All of whom are on facebook!

I chose this pic from Fb because she's holding one of my favorite shows

This morning I was set to walk with my one friend Sarah. She's pregnant and has a young child. I refer to her as my soul mate. It's a little weird, I'll admit that but man we have ridiculous things in common. Our lives mimic each others so closely, if I didn't know any better I would have thought my father had another child!

When I met her I was immediately drawn to her. I could feel the warmth of her heart and she was so friendly and kind. She also looked pretty normal. She wore a tee shirt and jeans with a pair of green chucks. I too wore a pair of jeans with a tee shirt but I wore Vans. I hope you're forming a picture of this.

I'm not really sure how we got to talking but her son did come up and start conversation. He is a little younger than my son but even though the words from his mouth didn't make any sense, he was talking and had something to say.
At the same time I was about to ask her to coffee, she was sending me a note to come over for dinner on fb. We set it up. She sent me a pinterest recipe and I made a lemon meringue pie. I was happy that our husbands met. They are both very passive people but melded perfectly. They were just quiet and secretly becoming outgoing with one another as we ate. Dinner was good and the kids were doing ok but I was most happy to see that this little Christian family listened to music and owned vinyl and had shelves of books. If you knew me before I had a pretty extensive collection of vinyl. I lost a lot of it with my move with Erika from Texas to Chicago but I used to have a lot. I was a completest. I had to have the same album on every medium. I had to own everything. This is what I used to spend money on. Now I just bring home Sesame Street records that I pay a buck for at the thrift store. Anyway, it was a really nice evening.

From then on out I made it a point to kind of hang out a little more than just at play group with the kids. We set up a time to walk and we've been pretty much at it once a week since. I think we missed a week and I was like "What is this non-sense?" but we were just busy. Today it was raining early in the morning so we just hit up MCD's.

When we talked, before that one older gentleman was trying to hang out with us, she asked me how I was doing. She had read the blog. It was really nice to know that she read it considering she had just got in from out of town. She apologized for my loss and we talked about it a little but I kept making jokes about how she could refer to the blog to get more info. I was able to tell her that I was doing better but also share with her a little about the obituary. I saw Led's obit last night. It was sad and I am pissed off that they used such an old picture. I want to say, it was even a prom picture. Erika told me to accept it for what it was and that it was probably a matter them being unprepared. I guess it makes sense but I'm sure there were so many events that he went to where he was dressed up and looked happy in his later years. At least that is what I want to believe. Maybe this was the last time he was so put together but I don't want to think that about him and seeing that picture kind of made it feel like things were that way. 18, that was the last time he had is crap together.

Getting back to Sarah here, all in all, as always, it was a nice meeting, I like her. I genuinely do. She's just so normal. She's a smart woman with great parenting skills and is so loving with so much patience. She's got good values and amazing heart and is simultaneously flawed and human. She wants growth and reads like crazy and I'm very inspired by her. And she crochets... or knits. I forget. I think she knits (sorry). Anyway, I think I miss that part when I don't have a chance to meet new people. For so long I just hung around family. Sometimes it was my choice and sometimes it just worked out that way. I'm pretty limited with friends so finding new friends is appealing but also pretty scary. We have prayer group and I've decided to trust her with some hard issues I've had to work through pretty much on my own (well God and Rick too but you know what I mean)...no, I'm not going to tell you. I've received no judgment from her when I swear or pray or anything. And no, I don't actually swear in front of the kids, but I will mouth is around her and I don't feel judged by her. I've only ever received compassion and understanding from her and this is something I feel I lack in other parts of my life with other relationships. Sometimes it just can't be family because in all honesty, they do judge and they do know you and they always know what's best. Which can be a little annoying.

I don't mean to sound like I like her because of what she can give me, what I mean to say is our friendship works because she is awesome and for that, I can really appreciate her.

This is truly a friendship in real life. In fact, I hardly ever see her on fb.

Listening to The Zombies "Time of the Season". Peter Bjorn and John, Album: Writer's Block - Young Folks.

Since I've Been Loving You

Let's be honest. Starting a project when someone dies is kind of morbid. I'm feeling a bit like a sham but that could be the guilt talking. I don't want to capitalize on something that is this painful. I've gotten some accolades from people about the blog. I've got some really great supportive friends and family. Maybe that's why I feel like crap. I think it's also weighing on me that I have a lot to be grateful for and I have been happy all day today. I'm taking care of my baby boy and bible study went well last night so I'm in a pretty good place right now. But I can't help but think about my friend and the family that is mourning... while I blog.

Led hated this picture when I sent it to him, he said I looked like a 14 year old. Hilda however, this was her favorite picture of me. 

Today I set out to do something. I wanted to see someone but the car is in the shop. So I randomly called Hilda when she was on FB. She was on her way out to pay some bills but like always, I keep her on the phone. We didn't speak much about the sadness that I've been feeling (which is so weird because I feel like every time I call her all I do is talk about me) but man she is so beautiful and gracious all of the time I just need to keep her on the phone!!!! Hilda lives in Texas with her amazing Pastor/Handyman husband and her son. Everything she posts on fb is to edify God and bring glory to him. They have a home church called House of Bread and it's amazing. Robert is an amazing preacher. I'm pretty sure the best I've ever had the opportunity to listen to and that is saying a lot because I get a lot out of what my pastor here in Chicago preaches about.

My history with Hilda is kind of nice to look back at. When I worked at a music store in San Antonio a hot guy came up to the register to sell some Tales From the Crypt boxed sets. He was covered in tattoos and had giant gauged ears. His hair was scene like and he wore flannel with jeans. Looked kind of dirty. I was immediately attracted! He invited me to church for the next day and I took the flyer and said I would go. That evening I went out to a club "The Sanctuary" (hilariously named) and got trashed. I was so drunk I had to have my ex boyfriend meet me because there was no way I was going to make it home. I met him down the street. Apparently I was going closer to 45 in a 20 than I realized. See kids, this is why we don't drink and drive. I went through a stop sign and reversed at a high speed after I realized he was at the stop sign waiting for me. I was laughing hysterically as the cops pulled up behind me. 2 cop cars and I was so trashed all I could do was laugh. I moved to the passenger seat and my ex yelled at me as he got into the driver seat. I can only explain it as a miracle but I the cops left. They just left.

Feed the body then the soul. Bible study food.

The next day we went to breakfast. I went rollerskating for friends' a church event noticed my soda was missing alcohol and decided to high tail it to church after that realization. I accepted Christ that day and gave up the last thing that bound me to Earth. People. Codependency was my God and sometimes it will raise it's ugly little head but I knew that that was standing in the way of a true relationship with Christ. When I was done crying I looked up and saw my friend Alex!!!  And then a few minutes later my friend Tara. I was so happy. It was like God was saying "don't worry little one, you will still have friends". To be honest, I haven't really lost anyone. I have weeded people out but that has been my choice. That day, the hot guy introduced me to some people and kind of just left me to talk with my friends. I was invited to his place along with Alex and Tara and we went. I was more concerned that he was inviting us without really letting the people he lived with know we were being invited but he was sure it was ok. Sure enough, that day I met one of the most amazingly godly women I have ever met. Her name was Hilda. She had long dark hair, it was braided and she was super friendly. My night ended with me playing Scrabble and having hot cocoa (Land o lakes kind you fool!) and listening to boys fart and blame each other. It was so wholesome. It was just pure clean (stinky) fun.
Hilda took a vested interest in the young ladies she met. She had a great approach. Just love. No harshness and she was always really honest with what was right and what was wrong but never seemed like a jerk about it. It goes to show if a person is truly Christ like they can have a better impact then those jerks that are always tearing people down. Be the example people!! Be a good witness!

One day we met to eat at Bill Miller (like always) and I met her and another young lady there. I had just got a new(er) car and I was kind of upset about it. I didn't like red. It was sporty. I liked vintage but those cars kept breaking down on me. So, I was at dinner and I started to complain. It was habit. I had been saved like a week and it was just my personality. She reminded me to be grateful for everything and pointed out that God provided the job I had to afford the car as well as the car itself. She was right and it was the first lesson I learned. I would like to mention that the car I had lasted me years and I only got rid of it because I take public transportation everywhere or just use my husbands car now. This was a lesson I took to heart because a lot of my life was defined by exclusivity and material possessions. I have never forgot that lesson. I really want some Bill Miller's now...

I sent this picture to Hilda when she asked to see the baby when I found out I was expecting.

Today Hilda is pretty much the same person she has always been as long as I have known her. She is loving, respectful and talks smack to me. For a long time I referred to her as my 'Christian Mother'
because she did such a great job teaching me about the Word and helping me to develop an amazingly strong foundation in Christ. Without her, I don't know what I would have done. She was there when I lost my job and she was there when I was going through issues with my boyfriends. She is also one heck of a thrifting partner!


I spoke with my friends little brother today. I will from here on out refer to him at Harry because I used to babysit him and take him to get Harry Potter books from the library when they were all the rage. I was glad to hear from him but as always we have long conversations and I can't help but feel bad that there isn't more that I can do. I pray for him and his family because this is going to be a rocky road as they journey back from out of town where his brother passed away. I look farward to seeing him but it truly is bittersweet.

Listening to Caillou on the tv while the kiddo watches. Also listening to Marilyn Manson, Album: Mechanical Animals and Lest we Forget [The Best of]. Madonna- "Hung Up" via Youtube. Led Zeppelin, Album: Early Days: Since I've Been Loving You, Stairway to Heaven