Ceremony. Procession. Everything's Gone Green.

I remember getting in to Kevin's car one time and he had his ipod hooked up to the car radio. It wasn't just the auxiliary cord, it was installed. This was a huge thing in 2006. As I sat in the passenger seat of his silver car, I immediately put on Everything's Gone Green by New Order. I usually skip songs and skip around a lot and this was the third track on the album. Kevin had this habit of skipping the intro to songs. Like he'd listen to it about 5-10 seconds in. I on the other hand, have this habit of skipping the very end. I only need most of the middle and some of the juicy chorus to make me happy. I hate the last 10 seconds of most songs with the exceptions of the endings of "Hurt" and "Closer" by NIN. I still think it's funny that this was something we agreed on, we only liked the middle of songs. I don't know anyone else who has either of these quirks. Currently, Rick always busts my chops about it and says "can't you ever listen to a whole song" My response is and will always be "no".

Erika picked me up on Saturday around 10:30 am. We made our decision that we would be in and out because 'Harry' said there wouldn't be an actual service. We originally had plans to be in Michigan and I was kind of relieved about not being able to attend the service. I was past the crying stage and was very easily in the acceptance/hope stage so me missing the funeral wasn't as heartbreaking for me. I spoke with 'Harry' a little about specifics like time and location for the funeral. I remorsefully told him we were not going to be in town and thus would be unable to make it. He was quiet but he was also driving so I'm not really sure if he was upset or just busy but it was a little awkward. I felt bad about missing the service but the plans with Erika and family and friends were set and it's a little harder to cancel a 30th birthday in a different city when a bunch of people are going. Or so I thought.

Erika's perspective was she wanted closure and thought I would be weighing my options of going to MI or not based on the funeral schedule. There was little communication between us and she basically assumed I would want to go to the service. Granted, most of our communication was via text so it would make sense that things would have gone this way. She proceeded to cancel with everyone and told me that she wanted to attend the funeral. I had no choice. I had to go. I wanted to avoid the awkwardness that come along with funerals but I also wanted to avoid any feelings that might come back to the surface. I had been doing so well. I wasn't crying anymore. So, I told her I wanted to go early and be in and out so we could go celebrate her birthday after. She agreed after I put up a fight. She was going on about how she was staying for the service at 2:30 pm but I kept telling her there would be no service according to 'Harry'. I should have remembered there would be some sort of service. I used to study Mortuary Science and I loved it. I didn't like the business aspect of it though nor did I care for having to be a licensed funeral director, I just wanted to embalm people. The first funeral I was a part of via my class clinical was weird. I drove the limousine with the family leading what remained of the procession after the burial at the cemetery. I'd like to add, I got lost in good ole San Antonio and when the family realized I was taking an unusually long time to get back to the funeral home they quietly stopped crying from the backseat and asked me where I was going. I explained that I was lost and they gave me directions on how to get back. I believed what I wanted to that day.

Erika 'keeping it real' as far as documentation while I was on my phone. 

Me "keeping it real" as she takes a picture of me.

As Erika picked me up, I begrudgingly walked toward her car wearing the same dress I wore to my son's dedication ceremony. I sat in the car, we followed the GPS and then hit traffic. We left the house about 10:30 am and got to the funeral around 1:40 pm. Our intention was to make it to the funeral home by 11. As time went on we felt less of the urgency to get there on time and began to stall. Our first stop was, of course, at Starbucks . I had my usual bagel with cream cheese and finally tried a vanilla latte. I don't like vanilla enough to ever have it as my choice of latte again. She had a Frap and some banana bread I think. We knew we had to eat because if we by chance got stuck at the funeral for hours, we would regret having nothing in our stomachs. We had a nice chat. We talked about a lot of things but not so much about Kevin. It felt just like a normal day where we hang out and shoot the breeze.

I realize it's a little morbid and probably disrespectful to take pictures on my way to a funeral but it's how Erika and I got through it. I wanted to remember this day clearly and now I have the photographs to remind me. There is something about looking like you're going to a funeral that makes it feel just a little worse. Who the hell wears a black dress and black heels when it's 80 degrees out? People going to funerals, that's who. I felt like people were looking at us as we walked into the Starbucks but it could have all just been in my head.

When we finished our food and drinks we made the decision to visit a casino. Erika said she would take me to the casino after Starbucks and before the funeral but we didn't have any cash so we stopped off at Walgreens. After going around in circles because of a GPS that lacked updated maps and tons of construction and a car accident, we found the Walgreens. It had gotten late so I was only pulling cash for dinner at this point. As I strolled through Walgreens I made jokes about how Erika was my BFF, a title very seldom used since breaking code and dating her brother.

I found a Coke and made jokes and decided to check for a coke for my grandma's name. I have to say, great marketing Coke, you got me. I guess I never buy bottled soda anymore because after I paid for it, I realized I had spent almost $3 on a bottle of soda. I was caught off guard when I opened the door to the refrigerator to look for 'Dolores' and instead found 'Kevin'.

Apparently the same people also have a coke with the deceased persons' name on it and take pictures in the parking lot at a Walgreens also appreciate taking said pictures in the middle of the street....

We took our money, our pictures and then headed to the funeral. We talked about how we were nervous, how our stomachs were literally turning and how awkward this would be. I opened the door and saw a room full of people. I knew Kevin's car had been brought back from where he was living and I had glanced through the parking lot to see if it was there. It wasn't. Upon entering I saw 'Harry'. He was so much older than the last time I saw him. He had also lost some of his pudginess but I guess being a medic in the Army would do that. We hugged, he welcomed me and then I said hello to Kevin's cousin who I will now refer to as 'Mario'. 'Mario' was the cousin I wanted to avoid seeing because of the weird leaving him for Kevin thing. I saw a bunch of other people I knew. I greeted everyone. People were happy to see me and that was very strange. They knew me from my mom but they knew me from Kevin and they talked with me about life stuff, not about the reason why we were seeing each other that day. Everyone said "Thank you for coming, I heard you have a little boy, I'm glad you were able to make it and it's a shame we get together only when these things happen". As I went through the crowd I saw Kevin's older brother whom I will refer to as 'Anthony' as well as another cousin that I will refer to as 'Flea'. 'Flea didn't recognize me. We've had very little interaction but I'd remember him anywhere. 'Anthony' has a nice haircut which I remarked, we gave a kiss to each other on the cheek and I gave him a hug and asked him how he was doing. He kept saying that "Kevin was such a good guy". True or not, that remark was made out of guilt. They had a strained relationship over a girl of course but we'll get to that later. 'Anthony' wore sunglasses just like 'Mario' and he was soft spoken and a great host. Erika and I went inside after signing the guest book and found our seats behind some of Kevin's work friends. We stared at the three giant picture boards that were covered in pictures of Kevin spanning his life. Not so many of the later years but plenty of his childhood. He looked my my kid which was hilarious. 

The pastor didn't know Kevin. He didn't force Christ on people but he did bring up great scriptures talking about how Christ is with us no matter what citing Psalm 34: 17-18

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He was a young pastor, seemed a bit green but he was personable and he mentioned the most important thing I heard since Kevin's death. The pastor said that Kevin had been seeking Christ and had gone to church. Do you understand what this means to a Christian? I've been upset to know that Kevin's issues and demise were his own doing and he could never get passed his demons and the thought that he could be spending eternity in hell, burning, tortured, living how he lived- just so far from Christ and so alone was part of why I was so broken up about his passing. It's a relief to know he could be in heaven. I didn't want to ask his family for more information because I was afraid that they would tell me that he wasn't saved. I don't care about the specifics anymore, I can't. What's done is done and is very final. I hope he's in heaven relieved of his pains and struggles and in God's presence. I had that little bit of info shared by the pastor so nonchalantly to help me get some peace and it's more important now for me to talk to people about Christ. So I will. And for the record, it was the only time during the funeral that I shed any tears. I believe, as far as I can remember, they were the last tears I shed. Tears of joy.

When 'Harry' spoke about Kevin he told a story about Kevin flying off the handle at some store because 'Harry' wasn't able to return a gift he got. It was just like Kevin. Everyone was laughing because we all knew that side of his personality. It didn't help that 'Harry' told us Kevin went to the store wearing pj pants and a leather jacket. In all realty, he probably degraded the person behind the counter and made them apologize proving he would do anything for his little brother. He always had heart even when he had a temper. When 'Harry' was done, he sat down. The room was silent and his mother quietly whimpered and all you heard from everyone else in the silent room was sniffling. Gosh, the loss of a son. We all heard the quiet heartbreak of his mother, and then our hearts broke. 

After a while his dad stood up and invited everyone to a reception afterward. Kevin's mother stormed out when he began to talk about himself. 'Anthony' went after her. I heard that at some point Kevin's mother was in the bathroom crying and people were supporting her. It was nice to hear but I stayed the hell away from the bathroom. I hope that this funeral could mend some relationships. 

And so that chapter is closed.

On a completely unrelated topic, I've discovered  why I like rap, it's because I feel nothing when I listen to it and generally besides the overly salacious lyrics, most tell pretty dope stories of their struggles. I've got zero struggles so I can't relate. I like the stories. I will say that from all that I've been listening to I do seem to have a strange attraction to Miami New York and Cali now. 

"No money, no family, 16 in the middle of Miami..." Iggy Azelea

(There's no way I could relate to this^)

I'm not sure that I feel better. I'm tired but I feel like I want to be better. So now, I will try.

No more half assing it. 

Also, I decided to use Kevin's name in this post, and only this post, because it was his funeral and he deserves for people to know his name. It was done out of respect for him and the relationship/friendship I had with him. My ideas about him, he was a great and hilarious person. He had a horrible temper and he could be a real jerk sometimes. He had this way about him, quite the charmer, very likeable and very just... Kevin. His little brother said it best "If you knew him, he immediately took a piece of your heart, and if you didn't get to meet him, you missed out."

Listening to: New Order, Azealia Banks, M.I.A., Amerie, Grimes, Iggy Azelea, and Chicago House Music Mixes via Youtube.