Erika Diaz (This is going to be very long)

It's been an incredibly long few days. You never know how much you can miss a person until you no longer have an opportunity to see them or hear about them. There will never be new information. There will never be a slight anxiety when showing up to Phil's pizza thinking, "Oh man, I hope I don't run in to _____". Where there was anxiety, there is now sadness. A strange void that doesn't make much sense.  I don't like this. I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. I'm married and I feel like a lot of my thoughts have been on someone that I used to date. It's a very strange thing to process. How can something possibly be this permanent? I don't think people realize what permanence really is. I don't think I understood it until 3 days ago. To be honest, we weren't even together that long. It was always an untitled thing (except when we were 12) and it was certainly not the healthiest relationship by any means. But there was a huge impact. I never realized how many things reminded me of him until I celebrated 4th or July and heard "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I looked across the table at Erika and said "I learned how to play this song". He taught me. I know the intro. I haven't played it in years but almost as it was second nature, almost every time I pick up a guitar I try out that piece first. It's just what happens.

The way death can snatch people away makes me happy to be a Christian. My only hope for all of my friends is that at some point everyone will give their life to Christ and it helps me to get through the day knowing that the people I love will be seen again. It may be different, I'm unsure what our spirits will be like and I'm not even sure it will matter who is there when I'm surrounded by God but man, I still keep faith for my human form while I'm here.

Erika sent me a text this morning. I assumed because she read the blog and figured out literally that this was my first real death. You see, Erika has been a very big part of my life. She introduced me to ______ when we were 12. She also introduced me to my husband Rick, whom is her older brother. We have been through thick and thin. We were best friends and now we are sisters-in-law but man if she doesn't get on my nerves and treat me like a sister! I love her but it has been a long process.

When I moved to Texas I had lost contact with her. A lot happened from ages 15-21 but thanks to Myspace we came back into contact. Good old social media. She looked me up and found me and I was talking to her about a guy and church and at some point mentioned I wanted to move back to Chicago. I told her I would move in August because I needed to save some money. She asked if it was about money and literally said "well if that's the problem, I have that and my spring break is in a few weeks". And just like that the wheels were set in motion. She bought a plane ticket and flew down 2 weeks later. I need to mention this story about the best time I quit my job. I had my resignation letter inside of my bible, in my car. I worked at the best job ever but my new boss was being a total jerk (please know I am using the word jerk because I'm trying to keep this PG, but I don't use the word jerk in my head). So when he was giving me crap about how he'd write me up because I didn't follow his new protocol, which was a bunch of items listed on a yellow legal pad paper taped to the counter, I said "Ok. By the way, I'd like to take this opportunity to give you my two weeks notice". He was kind of like " Damn it Renee, I knew you wanted to leave but geeze". Still the best ever way to quit aside from the scene in Half Baked.

So Erika got on a plane and started to remove her many layers of clothing as she walked through the terminal. She probably had on a few sweaters but by the time we got to the car in the parking lot she was only wearing a purple Mickey Mouse shirt with jeans and was complaining about how hot she was. We finished packing up my storage unit and apartment (she rolls her eyes every time I mention this move because I was not prepared at all and she's still not secretly pissed) and we woke up bright and early the next day to move. Everything kept falling apart that day. I got a flat tire. A bunch of people came to our rescue because that is how beautiful hearted Texans are. I was on my way to Austin from San Antonio and I turned the car around at 9pm at night to get baptized in my friends bathtub. Erika is the only witness but Jesus was there and so was Justine so I'm totally cool with it.
(I wore monochromatic green polka dotted vans, my friends jeans, my lego shirt and my Depeche Mode sweater, all of these items have been retired and probably lost)

We made it to Memphis (we are still not sure how we did it but I know I slept while driving, really stupid I know). Turns out Mrs. Diaz was failing some Biology class and some other classes and had basically decided to drop out and stop trying. I told her I would help her with her work and when we got back to Chicago we locked ourselves in her bedroom and worked. We kind of hated each other a little. When we got back for some reason she mentioned ______ (I keep doing _______ because I don't know if I should use his name. If I get permission from his family, I will use it but for now, it's ________, maybe I'll come up with a nickname like Led, short for Led Zeppelin, ok Led it is!) had been in contact with her and she had plans with him. I tagged along. And there we were again. Back at 15. Nothing much happened at 15, in fact not even a kiss but feelings of an adolescent girl can be quite strong. Our first stop was Bar Louie, we had a few drinks. Mind you, I had been sober for a while before this, being a new Christian and all but I slipped and fell fast. This is what you do at 21. After 22 it's not so fun. I asked about Led's cousin and we went and saw him. At some point I had to make a choice about which guy I wanted to date and chose Led. I feel bad about what happened with his cousin. I know I hurt him. I know I broke his heart. But I was always in love with Led. Well at least that's what I thought at 21.


Eventually when thing's came to a head with Led, Erika was pissed. I remember the last time I spoke with him on New Years Eve. She was a little tipsy and asked me why he was calling and when I told her he wanted me to go over, she yelled "Why so he can use you again?!" Like I said, SISTER. He asked about what she yelled and I declined his request to see me and told him "don't worry about her, she's drunk". I wanted her to maintain a friendship with him. They were friends for a long time before I came into the picture. They even had a similar dating history. Kids, library date, holding hands. He broke up with her on April Fools while holding hands with a girl all day saying how he was dating her. I did bring this story up when we went to eat at Illinois Bar and Grill and we laughed. Erika has the worst memory ever so she had no idea what we were talking about. As for Led, it was a hilarious April Fools joke that blew up in his face when she broke up with him for "cheating" I guess.

When Erika sent me the text I took a shower and was ready waiting. She kind of has that effect on me sometimes. I think even after all the crap we went through, I still genuinely enjoy her company. So I move hell and high water to hang out with her. Part of me might still feel guilty but not really. See, I broke code. Not only did I date her brother, I married him. I'm sure my son has put me back in her good graces but I always remember the 2 years, 6 months, 24 days, 8 hours, 12 minutes and 17 seconds it took for her to talk to me again. Those aren't realistic numbers but the 2 years was. She would speak to me but she was always pissed off about it and she never really told me much until she really forgave me.

There was this one time when we were sitting at the kitchen table eating with her brothers and Memo, Memo is practically a brother so I was right to say brothers. So anyway, we are sitting there and I mentioned how when Erika was at school she swore. It was just part of the conversation. I didn't even think about it but it was what she always feared. That something I knew about her would come out to her brother. I'm not a fan of secrets but I can keep them. And I have. And I still do. Well, she snapped at me "THAT'S EXACTLY THE REASON WHY I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!! BECAUSE YOU TELL THEM EVERYTHING" Never have you ever seen a room full of big giant muscular monster like men in their mid twenties put their eyes on their plates of barbacoa tacos and quietly eat. We just went off back and fourth for a few minutes, she talked about how I couldn't be trusted and I yelled about how it was an accident and it was true so she shouldn't be keeping it a secret anyway. At that point I was tired of being sorry for breaking code, I was pissed off and she was still angry. Both of us were right and both of us were wrong. The meal was quiet and at some point I'm sure we cleaned up and went our separate ways. It's still hilarious when we discuss it.

It took me a long time to get back to where we are. We are how we were before which is what I saw today when she picked me up for coffee. Her laugh was a little louder and softer at the same time. No immediate eye contact. She teared up when she told me about a dream she had about Led and how she see's people which always seems impossible after these types of dreams and now she won't. I explained that she would but it would be at memorial service and probably in an Urn. She is still processing but I think it did her some good to listen and talk and read the stuff I wrote yesterday.

I asked Erika if she would be my first person from my friends list and referred to her as a nice segway. She agreed. I still need her to sign the consent form hahaha.

While on the highway today I heard "Stairway to Heaven". Not only was it the first song Led played for me on his guitar but it somehow seems fitting. It's also incredibly sad that I will never hear him play it again. Maybe his little brother will play it for me sometime.


I'd like to include some interview questions for people but haven't really developed them yet so I'll pretend until tomorrow. Also, my aunt brought up an interesting idea about how a phone call can still be a barrier so I've decided to include 'getting together with friends at coffee shops or for food" as a means to catch up with fb peeps to become friends.

Erika Diaz, 29 (going to be 30 in a few weeks), is closing on her first house a week after her birthday. She is not married and has no children or pets. She likes hearts, Micky Mouse and is a hopelessly romantic fool. She listens to awful Country Music, Spanish Songs, R&B and Freestyle. Freestyle is the equivalent to New Wave and I also enjoy it. I just call it New Wave most of the time. Besides that she is lucky enough to listens to some good music because of me and we can be in the car together for long periods of time. She works in a field helping sexual abuse victims and not only received her 4.0 for her Bachelors but also has a 4.0 for her Masters. I'm still waiting on her to become a Dr. so I can refer to myself as Dr. Diaz while stealing her title but until WE decide she's doing that, she is currently studying for her LCSW. Erika has seen me nurse my baby boy and she also saw him come into the world. She was at my wedding and she was at my Baptism. She is an amazingly loving aunt to my baby boy. I would like to also mention that she never made me pay her back the money we used for the trip home. She received a check from her Financial Aid and before she opened it she said if it was over $200, I wouldn't need to pay her back. Right then and there in her kitchen I prayed "Please Lord" jokingly and it was a check for $600. Also, I once saved her life from a fire.

Listening to Awolnation specifically for "Not your fault". Also listening to Eazy E and Depeche Mode.