Glow

So I guess when people talk about losing someone there are stages of grief. I still think it's a little absurd to spend so much time with a person on my mind. I keep praying to God to keep it from becoming an idol. That's the last thing I need. I don't think I've made it an idol. I think this is just what happens.

I missed church today. I wasn't feeling well. Mainly this house looks like a damn tornado hit it and then a hurricane hit it, then that same tornado came back through again. I have never been much of a cleaner. I mean sure, I'm OCD but that's not the same. I think I'm tired. I'm preparing food for our bible study group tonight and I just don't feel like doing anything. And so, I decided to clean the house. Having a clean house means I will have one less thing to worry about come tomorrow.

I was talking with Mike (Aimee) yesterday. She's been really nice to me. Which is unusual for our relationship. We are those friends who are there for each other no matter what but we don't express much feeling for each other lol. I donno, it's a dynamic that works. Anyway, we went over to her place and had some chili cheese dip and some buffalo dip for breakfast (yes, she and I are practically the same person). Upon my entrance she showed me the pyrex she got me for Christmas and asked me to take it home. This seems like a nice person move. I can't tell if it was really in her way or if she just wanted me to feel better. It doesn't matter. I still have some dope pyrex.


While cleaning I finally set up my ipod to the Bose. I had to go through and organize like 10 million cords but I finally got it all set up. I hadn't added my latest playlist but I listened to something that began with Lupe Fiasco. Then for some reason the entire Kelis album. I felt good. Started to clean because who doesn't like Kelis and then "Glow" came on. For some reason it just made me cry and remember Led. Not sure why though. I did think that it could have been an album I listened to on the way home from his house. He lives outside of the city so if I had it on, I'd hear the whole thing and I'd hear that song. My stepdad always told me to be careful with music because of the ties that they have with the flesh. I suppose this is what he was talking about.


And here are the stages of grief (I copied and pasted them from http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html):

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE


I'm probably only going to go through a  few of these.
1. Shock more than Denial at a phone call received at 8am. I could only say "Oh my God".
2. Pain and Guilt - just what it is. Pain and Guilt. Every once in a while my chest will cave and my stomach turns and my eyes water. It's emotional pain mixed with physical pain.
He once left me a message on my voicemail. It was random. I was dating my husband and because I knew I had a good thing going I was worried that it could draw me back in if I called back. So I didn't. He simply said he was sorry and wanted to talk about some stuff that happened when we were dating. I didn't want to hear that he cheated on me if he did and I didn't really want to deal with it. So I just never called back. I will regret that I have no idea what he was going to say. I still don't regret not responding to it though. It could have ruined me, or more importantly, the future I have with my husband. I do wish I would have known what he wanted to say. What if it was the first step for AA. That will be something I live with forever.
3. Anger and Bargaining- Maybe. I don't think I'm very angry. Certainly not with God but I do think I barter. I keep praying he's in heaven. Hoping I did enough. Trying to put my faith in God about where he ended up but not feeling like he's there. So I guess I do barter and blame. It was such a sad ending and I don't feel peace about any of it. So I ask God to make sure he's in heaven. I should probably
4. Depression, reflection and loneliness - yup
5. The upward turn, maybe in a few weeks after the funeral.
6. Reconstruction and Working through- I don't feel like I have much to work through and my life isn't necessarily rearranged. Oh wait, this blog has become my life so maybe.
7. Acceptance and Hope. I've already accepted it. I don't know what to hope for...


Listening to Kelis, Album: Tasty. Listening to Hole, Album: Celebrity Skin.