Awake and Dreaming (Finger Eleven)

First let me start off by saying, I absolutely hate that last post. I hate everything about it. I hate how horribly written it was. I refuse to edit it because I don't want to look at it's stupid blog face again. Steven called me yesterday and I told him about the blog and the last post. I told him how much I hated it and how awful it was and his response was that I probably just hate the topic so there isn't anything I'm going to like about it. Touche' Steven, touche... but I still hate it.

I haven't spoken to Steven since I last saw him in October 2013. He lives in Texas. I visited with him for a little bit because it had been a while since I last saw him. I don't even think I was with Rick the last time I saw him so it's been at least 7 years. We have always kept in touch though. We have been in each others lives since we attended Lee. He was my second boyfriend. I don't even remember how he asked me out, probably all high school about it, via friends.

When I talked about Led, I discussed how much I was in love with him because of some other girl wanting his attention and then all the chemistry that he brought to the table after I spent more and more time with him. He broke my heart along with Erika's because he chose his gal over his friends. I will say my heart was invested but it was for the wrong reasons initially. When it came to Steven, I thought I was going to marry him. I was 16 and stupid. He was just a tad bit younger than me so that was weird for about 10 minutes but we all hung out with the same kids so there was no judgment. I hung with the weird indie goth crowd and he with the skaters (and stoners). These groups were the artists and musicians and everyone intermingled so naturally that we kind of all just got along with each other. Aside from that, most of my friends had classes with him and we all shared the gym for P.E. because they were doing construction on the building and the girls didn't really have a locker room for the beginning part of the year. I remember him doing Tae Bo, think a dorky lanky pasty boy. At about that time his friend Matt was telling him to go out with me and my friends were telling me to go out with him, which is why I remember this day in particular. I'm almost 100% sure that my first words to him involved me screaming "SOAD" because he was wearing a System of a Down shirt (all the time) and that's how we greeted each other for a good year before we got to know each other. Turns out music can bring people together so there we were. Our first date was Jack in the Box, he spent $30 (which was a lot at the time) on junky fried foods. His mom or aunt drove and we brought it all back to the house and he lit candles on the dinning room table. Our first concert was Alien Ant Farm and if we had stayed together we probably would have gone to see Weezer but alas, just like the White Stripes, we broke up. The relationship went really well, as well as could be expected for high school kids and although I don't remember much except heartbreak, I do remember the word fun. We had a great 5 months. Around 6 or 7 things fell apart in a horrible way. I was love sick and just - ugh, it's embarrassing how desperate I sounded in letters I sent to him. What's that? Oh, yes, of course I sent letters, it was high school. I hate the way I sound in letters, half of it is almost always over romanticized and the other part is just not very articulate. I literally have conversations with myself in letters. UGH MY BLOG IS A GIANT LETTER!!!!! Now, I bet you're thinking, "Renee, how do you remember your letters? How do you remember sounding desperate?" Well, Steven called me a few days ago because he found a box of letters that I had written to him. YAY for hoarding! Judging by the tone of said letters they were at the end of the relationship or well into the breakup phase and all I could read was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!

After months of not speaking to each other he called to apologize for being a stupid teenage boy. He went on about how sorry he was that he ruined everything and that he ignored me and random other things people are sorry about when they hurt someone they care about but this happened almost 14 years ago. I explained that I had gotten over it and he shouldn't be sorry because we were kids pretending to be young adults who were just being stupid. He continued in a very genuine fashion to apologize anyway. We really did have a nice relationship and we had a great fun chemistry but I think because he hasn't really met anyone quite as loyal or invested as I was (especially according to those letters), he reverts to thinking of a better time. It's easy to think of how great a relationship was when you have nothing great going on. I conjure up amazing times with old friends I'm not friends with anymore or the great times with the abusive ex-boyfriend but ultimately, things take their natural course and I'll always think we are better friends then partners. I don't like being the mold that he will compare other girls to because first loves are illusions, I don't think they're realistic. Maybe I'm a cynic but I think there is a lot of bliss in the innocence and ignorance of being a teenager that won't compare to the wisdom you gain through your adolescent and young adult years. He's had serious relationships but none of these gals were amazing people- I mean once you have had perfection, who can compare?  and I've always been the one to tell him he could do better but for a long time I don't think he really believed it. The girls he went after were pretty but geeze they were immature and crazy. I still remember the first girl he talked about after we broke up, and I even think they dated but my response was "she wears too much makeup and she's a hoochie", his mother laughed at my description. These girls he met over the last few years were me 15 years ago but older and with real baggage or in some case children and horrible ex's. I don't even know how he met these girls, I guess until right now I never thought to ask but he was invested in these relationships and most of these girls were trash not good people. I say this out of love because even though I spent a lot of time being broken up over how he dumped me when I was 17, I now treat him like a very close friend and in some cases like a brother. I've never had any delusions about our friendship and how it may seem to other people but we still just get along and I forgave him a very long time ago so for me, the apology was nice but I think he forgot about the apology he gave me 5 years ago over the phone when he was heartbroken and I said something like "good, now you get it".

When we were kids I was overbearing and obsessive and jealous and codependent. When we grew up I was still most of those things but had a lot more life experience and was better able to at least pretend to be less of those things. We were passed the hard stuff and we were friends and I was happy to be that but at some point I felt like I had to specify where I stood. So, I literally sat him down and told him that I could probably love him but I could never trust him. He broke my heart. And even though nothing happened between him and X while we were together, his eyes and heart did wander and I could never allow myself to be second to anyone. I've always had these weird little hang ups, maybe values or something along those lines. Erika and I devised rules about dating, specifically, the idea about never breaking up with someone just to get back together because if you are going to break up it better be for a good enough reason. Or in this case, being second to someone else. There isn't a second, there is only a first and if it wasn't me now, it wasn't going to be me in the future and I was going to make sure of that. So when I had this conversation with Steven he knew I was serious because both of these rules had been broken. Don't get me wrong, had I been in a healthier state of mind when I was just a tad bit older and mature I could have probably worked it out with him but it just didn't happen and we have such a great friendship now that I don't feel it would have added to our friendship. In fact, it probably would have been irreparably damaged to the point where I might not be writing about him now.  The same night I told him it was never going to happen, we hung out, had pizza and were best friends who had a sleepover and watched movies.

**** Side story about who we were**** I remember one night before Thanksgiving I slept over and one of his friends slept in the arm chair in the same room. It was innocent so get yo mind out tha gutta! The next morning when his friend slipped out to the kitchen where Steven's mom and her best friend were prepping food for the big meal the song " I Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Co. came on and we took full advantage of us being alone in the room. Nobody knew we were awake so we started banging on the headboard with our hands and his mother threw the door open and rushed in. The look on her face was priceless. She yelled at us as we laughed hysterically and started getting ready for the day. That is still one of my favorite memories of us. At that time we had been broken up for a few years but his mother loved me and probably still hopes that I will marry him someday.

Many years ago when Myspace was in full swing (damn myspace), I found and added his girlfriend (like a creeper). When I visited town a few years later he blew me off. When he and his girlfriend broke up he did seek me out and apologize. Luckily for me, Led had already taught me the lesson that girlfriends are first but I did tell Steve, I thought it was stupid and if he ever pulled that crap again, I probably wouldn't remain his friend. So, we were friends again. I was relieved to hear from him the other day because as always I try to shove Christ down his throat but I was also happy to hear that it wasn't an emergency phone call like the passing of his mom or a pregnant girl which I immediately questioned him about. Steven would sometimes call me on his birthday or when things were good or randomly when things were crazy. I once remember he called me when his mom's boyfriend died. Since I hadn't spoken to him in months I kept his number, removed him from fb and just kind of anticipated an emergency phone call so it was a huge relief when he explained why he was calling this time. Such was his signature to call me when important things would happen and this was really good for us and for rebuilding our friendship. I called him when great things would happen for me too, to let him know I was getting married, when we were having a baby and he was one of the only people I called when I went through that nervous breakdown sea change in September/October 2013. He gave me whatever advice he could and we discussed hanging out when I got to Tx. He was going through a rough time so I thought it might be a cool idea to get away to a beach or something and just hit the road. We had a plan but it fell apart because we weren't organized and although we were friends on the phone, in person is was weird and awkward and there seemed to be a strange darkness that was present. We hung out in his living room while my boy watched Daniel Tiger on the giant screen tv and discussed the horrible happenings in our lives. Then I took my kiddo home to nap and said bye and didn't hear from him until just the other day. As soon as I got back from TX last October, I took him off of my fb friends list thinking that he and I were just not the same friends we used to be and I didn't want that darkness around me. Turned out he was incredibly depressed and the isolation he was going through wasn't helping which is why he was so awkward, or at least that's how he explained it.

Steven told me he had forgotten about the letters and didn't remember what they said. Even reading them didn't jog his memory but the conversation I mentioned about us never getting back together, he remembered that. We discussed why I had such vivid memories and remembered every detail about our relationship when it soured and tried to figure out why he could hardly remember anything. It could have been the pot and then the years of partying he did but I think I remembered every single detail because it was my first real heartbreak in a relationship. It was the only time in my life that I have been dumped. It was painful and it was torturous; I lost 15 lbs that summer, best summer ever!!!! I think the breakup didn't mean quite as much to him so he didn't bother to store those memories. But the conversation we had, where I told him there was no going back it must have resonated because he remembered it vividly; it was a memory he stored.

** Alright so like always, as I write, I am looking up music. I had made this mix back when Steven
and I were dating and there is a song missing by Bush. So I was looking up other songs by the band and came across this haunting song "Out of this World" and lo and behold I remember all of the lyrics and it brought back a dull sadness. I was supposed to go to a concert with my friends but was grounded. I had a chance to see Steven or go to the concert. I chose Steven and missed the concert. We broke up pretty soon after that. I still regret missing that concert. Also, there are some lyrics " So we move, We change by the speed of the choices that we made, And the barriers are all self made, That's so retrograde". I wrote this poem called "The Retrograde" that year. It was published in the Lit Mag at school...I still think it's a pretty dope poem. The word Retrograde... the word itself is almost an idol. It's something that comes to mind at the worst times in my life. Thanks Bush and Thanks James Blake. I did find the song I was looking for after all, it's called "Inflatable". **

OHHHHHHHH Hey Guys!!! Remember the Hardcore band Thursday?! Yeah, me too! They don't sound so hardcore anymore... Listening to Thursday " Understanding in a Car Crash". Oh man I just looked up and listened to Phantom Planet-"California". This is when music started to get light and change...

Listening to Weezer: Hash Pipe. Also listening to System of a Down, Silverchair- "Untitled", Bush- "Out of this World" and "Inflatable",  Finger Eleven - Awake and Dreaming. The Church "Under the Milky way"

Listening to The Stokes, Album: Is this it?, specifically the song Someday because it's me and in one of the letters I included the song lyrics which I have included below:
"alone we stand, but together we fall apart" ( I actually misquoted here and said "The longer we stay together, we fall apart")
"Darlin', your head's not right"
"Oh, someday I ain't wasting no more time"

Read more: Strokes - Someday Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Novelty. She's Lost Control Again. (Joy Division- duh)

I keep listening to The Zombies. They're just so stinking catchy. This was originally titled "She's Not There" but then I started listening to Joy Division and we all know how that turns out.

Today I was sad to hear about the death of Robin Williams. His death is looking like a suicide which is horrible to hear. He was so talented and gosh I wish I would have learned more about him while he was alive. I will be spending a lot more time catching up on movies he was in as well as checking out his stand up. I'm interested to see Mork and Mindy because I've heard so much about it but I'm not sure that I can handle silly comedy as much anymore.

So I thought, with this blog, I would discuss a business person on my blog that I know quite well, myself. Hey, I know it's cheating but technically I am friends with my business page on fb. I've got other people I wanted to write about and have been hanging out with a few people but this seems like a fitting time to discuss some of who I used to be.

Sparrow and Manna Logo made by Krista R.

I don't like to listen to some music because the emotions that come out with said music are kind of scary. The attachment to some music is very real and very deep and can literally take me back to a time when I was an entirely different person. Or maybe, I'm afraid that the person I once was, is still kind of lingering.

You hear these stories about addicts and people with mental illness who lead full and productive lives and then one day just go off the deep end. I'm in Christ but I'm also realistic and if I ever felt like I was collapsing into who I was, even a tiny step back into who I was, I immediately change my thoughts and do some reaching out. It doesn't happen so much anymore but as I mentioned, I don't listen to some music because I don't want to revisit those thoughts or feelings. Tonight, I'm listening so I can write. Playing with fire, perhaps. But I'm being careful and plan to take breaks when I feel overwhelmed.

-And that was fast... I just started listening to "The Crystal Ship" and immediately broke down. It's a very sweet song. I used to listen to it on repeat. Not sure if this is a Led thing or just a pain/depression thing. Whatever it is, I've already sent an email asking for prayer. So, I changed how this music is going to be played. I'm adding things that don't bother me and taking breaks revisiting other parts of the blog. It gives me an emotional break and a chance to edit- yay!!!

Ok, so now, I'll start with this, I absolutely 100% hate suicide. I hate when people play victim too but let me be clear that I don't hate actual victims. I understand a victim mentality because I've been it but I think that as adults we have a particular responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can. Although not all situations are easy to escape, especially without help or education, I like to think that at some point there has got to be a health
y way out. I used to be pissed off about a friend of mine, maybe I'm still upset because I miss her and I wish circumstances could be different but they are what they are and there is nothing that I can do about it except pray. She was an adult and she was educated and had tons of family support but I saw her deteriorate into some former shell of herself because of the relationship she was in. She would leave and go back because she didn't think she could do it on her own. She had a very humble up bringing and I love her very much but it was an unhealthy relationship and I couldn't watch anymore. I'm probably a jerk for not sticking around, some might say a 'real friend' wouldn't desert their friend in an abusive relationship but I try to be realistic. She was an adult. She knew what she was doing every time she went back and she said she was still in love with him. Maybe if it was just her I might have been able to do it but she let that crap be around her kids. When it affects the kids, that's when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe she loved him and was scared to leave, she didn't have a job and he was pretty awful to her but I believe she loved herself more and that made her decision. I'm of the frame of mind that people need to put kids first. You don't have a job but you have kids, better find one. The kids saw the way he treated her. They saw her clean up the vomit from his long nights of drinking while he sobbed on the living room floor after tossing her around at 2 am. Her oldest child was acting out in many different ways and she was still concerned about her relationship status. I can't condone this. I felt guilty for being acquaintances with someone who knocked her around because I had been through it (note, I was never really knocked around, just kind of pushed, choked, took a few body shots... hmmm... ok maybe I was). I took everything that she went through personally because of what I had gone through. I didn't want him around me, let alone my kid. I didn't want my son to see her come over and cry to me because she was leaving, again, "this time". I hear that they are doing better. Maybe he went to counseling but I'm not okay with abusive people being in my life. Sorry about the rant and sorry if I'm a jerk, I know a lot of this sounds harsh but I need to make a point that I can't put up with stuff like this. Also, this was actually supposed to be about suicide, not how I hate when people go back to abusive relationships. See what happens when I change the music.

Ok, back to the point of this whole thing. I spent a lot of years depressed. I mean like from the ages of 12-21 and a brief period when I was 28. I could even trace it back to around 9 years old if I really sat and thought about it. Hilariously enough, that was about the time I really got in to music. It wasn't everyday and certainly there were happy times but even when I was in good relationships I was probably still depressed. Some of it was not fitting in school and being bullied which I didn't really consider until recently. Some of it had to do with family issues specifically being uprooted a few times and finding my grounding in Texas but more of it had to do with the state of mind I was in along with the very unhealthy combination of music. I was heavy in to Nirvana, Hole, Korn, System of a Down, Depeche Mode, Joy Division, Fiona Apple, Franz Ferdinand, The Smiths, The Cure, Stained, Tool,

Marilyn Manson (how cliche of me) and Nine Inch Nails. Geeze, with that list I'm lucky I made it out alive!!! Anyway, did I want to die? Yup. Did I really want to kill myself? Yup. Were my attempts real? None except 1. Do I regret any attempts? Nope because God can use all of the bad for good. Do these issues come up? Nope. Not really. I haven't cut since I became a Christian. It was actually a vow I took. I take vows incredibly seriously (now) and especially before God. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about these things since being a Christian but the moments where I thought about it were fleeting and I thank God for that. I can say that if I think about it for to long and if I hadn't made that vow, I would probably still cut. It's a feeling expressed on the surface. For a brief time I considered tattoos and scarification because it would probably wouldn't bother me in the least but I know it would fall into a vanity thing and I would be doing these things for the pain, not the fun of getting a tattoo or graven image on me. So, this is why I hate suicide, I tie it in to cutting all of my years of depression. It's exhausting for me to go back to that place and think about any of those years. I mean, poor sweet Erika would come visit me in the middle of the night when I told her I was suicidal. She would comfort me and almost nurse me back to a healthier state of mind and then go back home. See, she's always been destined for social work hahaha. I have notes from friends in high school saying "it will get better, please don't cut yourself anymore" and I was once slapped in the face

 when I started cutting by a friend of mine. That was 7th grade. Oh, did you want to hear about the one real attempt? Well, I was at my ex-boyfriend's house in TX. He was out with friends at a concert. I was on the phone with a friend from work just chatting as I took a handful of pills. I was done with all the BS that was going on. We were always fighting and I was just done. At some point as I was taking the pills I literally couldn't take them anymore. I immediately felt like my throat was closing. When he got home I was half conscious and then we fought some. Hit in the head with a phone (a real phone, not a cell phone), Check! Pushed around, Check! Hair pulled, Check! At some point he said he was sorry and I went to bed and woke up with my ears ringing. I have never felt so sick in my life. Nothing came out of anywhere, I wish it had but nothing. It was merely in my system. We fought some more when I started to get ready. I walked to his mom's house down the street in the pouring rain and took a cab home across town with his brothers money. His brother was incredibly abusive to his girlfriend (see this is why abuse shouldn't happen around kids!!!!!!!) and he was super nice to me and gave me some tea. I tried to call in to work and wasn't able to because the shop wasn't set  up to do that, have call in's. When I got home, I was drenched, I was weak and I left a pile of my soaked clothes by the corner of the couch where I was sleeping. I took a bath with piping hot water and this was the second time in my life that I noticed my body wasn't warming up. It was still cold after the super warm water. My coworker picked me up for work as I spit out the window the entire way. I went to the back of the store, on the clock, and lied on the floor for a few hours. Eventually my co-worker wanted help and I came up front. I was supposed to go back but ended up working the rest of the shift. I asked him to get me some cheesy bread from Peter Piper next door along with an ice cream and sprite and I was better. I honestly believe that Christ didn't let me consume anymore pills because I would have died. I also believe he put it in my heart to eat that crap to help soak it up. For some reason it just felt like that was what I needed to eat so I did and was better.
 
When I think about the last time I bought razors I can remember it vividly. I was at an HEB and I cut myself in the parking lot. It was another day of fighting and I cut myself in the car. How incredibly pathetic and desperate. I couldn't wait to get home, it had to be right as soon as I opened the damn package. This continued for a few months. I was always great at hiding my arms. Jelly bracelets went a long way and it helped that I wore the same green army jacket for about 4 years. Now, I care less about my arms (except the fat part of my arm- gross) because stuff has faded pretty well but sometimes I consider buying Bio oil just to see if it works after all these years. I think I'll be most ashamed when my kid sees my arms and asks questions and it will be a difficult conversation but if we've raised him in Christ, it should work out alright. Communication is key and I'm sure as hell not going to lie to my kid. I just hope he doesn't deal with the same issues I dealt with as a young person.

So I guess most of the things I hate are because I have or I have known someone who has experienced whatever it was I hate. I don't like suicide because it reminds me of who I used to be. Kind of weak. Kind of lonely. Mostly depressed and sometimes just bored. It also is a reminder that I am very human and although I am humbled by the experience, I absolutely hate thinking about it. There is so much more I could talk about here and I realize some of this is choppy but I'm exhausted and it's 2:44 AM.

Remember that super sweet list of songs I loved and couldn't live without? Here are the list of songs I absolutely hate:
Most things by Korn
Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" and " Something I could never have" - really truly I hate these songs, I cringe when I hear them.
I hate hate hate some Smiths songs but I also have a love/hate relationship with some so it's a toss up- specifically "There's a Light that Never Goes Out"
 A lot of stuff by Depech Mode - Thanks Ex-boyfriend! Really happy that I let you ruin my favorite band... you can't have Joy Division, well...
Joy Division "Love Will Tear Us Apart"

Talk about heavy. Go read your bible and don't be too brought down by all of this. Had I not gone through all of this I would not have given my life to Christ. Also, I will be able to use all of this fantastic life experience to edify God although most of this blog was pretty self serving today. In the future, I will have an opportunity to help other people who have dealt with these issues and hope to bring people to Christ with my impeccable honesty.

*Remember I was not sorry for swearing a few posts back? Well I was watching a youtube video of Fieldy from Korn talking about Christ and found the way to say "half-assed" without swearing! It's "half-hearted". I'll probably still swear but not so much on here :)

Listening to:
The Doors - "The End", "The Crystal Ship". Duran Duran - "Save a Prayer". Korn "Falling Away from Me", "My gift to you".  Elliot Smith- Albums: Figure 8, Roman Candle. Fleetwood Mac- "Big Love", "Rhiannon", "Little Lies" (I was only able to listen to 5 seconds of the intro.), "The Chain".
Flyleaf "The Kind" She Wants Revenge "Sister". Joy Division. The Smiths. Hole "Miss World"

Listening to:
The Dresden Dolls - "Mandy goes to Medschool", Eazy - E- " Boyz-in-the-Hood". Telecast- "The Way". The Zombies "She's not there"

High on Life

I'm caking right now so I can't really just head off to sleep. 

No caking is not a drug... it's the act of creating cakes...

So who should I write about? I think tonight should be about Jimmy. I'm using his name because I think I have that right. In fact, one might say I'm entitled. I was going to ask him about a follow up but didn't see him on the fb search or my feed. I had received a message from him about two months ago when he asked to be my friend.  It's been years since I spoke with him aside from his recent add but we have a history so it wasn't a big deal when I added him. We have added each other and deleted each other a few times and been in and out of each others lives for a pretty long time. 

When I met Jimmy I worked at Little Caesars. It was my first real job and after I graduated high school I moved back to Chicago. After two weeks of working at horrible Fairplay in Pilsen I decided to go back to Texas. I had this silly plan that I would move to San Antonio, apply to SAC and get financial aid, then get a car and work full time while going to school. I had no money except my measly $150 from Fairplay and luckily I was invited to stay with family while going to school. I applied for a scholarship and that whole plan I had, actually worked out. I paid $450 for my first car, a white 1985 Honda Accord Hatchback. I named her Darcy (after the bassist from the Smashing Pumpkins) Screech (because she needed new breaks and made noise when I came to a stop). It was an awesome little car and I drove to and from school and work. I worked at LC down the street from my great aunts house but my boyfriend lived way the hell across town. I can say that in hindsight the move was stupid but I learned a lot and I wouldn't take back most of it. I say most of it because there was some violence I would take back. For the record, I wouldn't take back any of the graffiti. In fact, if it wasn't a felony, I would probably still be in to it. I loved living 'on my own' in SA. A few days before Christmas my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. You know, the one I moved back to Texas for? It was a horrible break up because we had a tumultuous relationship and we're just so messed up together. When you think crazy girlfriend/boyfriend, we were it. I had a bit of a codependency issue so I just decided that I would date everyone who was interested. Ah yes, those were the daddy issues that would surface every once in a while. I dated a guy, then another, then another and then I met Jimmy. Mind you, I was probably still seeing my ex simultaneously but without the title "girlfriend" I felt like I could just do whatever I wanted. Jimmy asked for my number while I was at work and I was fine with giving it to him. He seemed nice, I was in between relationships anyhow and I remember him just being funny when he asked me for my number. I don't know what it is about young people but they're a little more free, not really giving a crap about anything they do or say. Almost like they have nothing to lose so why not?  Ricky and I went to the carnival and I met up with Jimmy and we just walked around. Little did I know that carnivals downtown were ghetto and for losers who were just trying to just hook up with people. I was with Ricky most of the night so it wasn't a big deal when I met up with Jimmy. I don't remember much about what happened, just lots of walking around I guess and a Ferris Wheel and some lights. At some point Jimmy and I went our separate ways and he asked if I wanted to hang out later while I was with Ricky. I said sure and Ricky and I listened to Rasputina as we drove down what I think was Malone or Theo or S. Flores. It was somewhere on the Southside. You know what, it was probably Pleasanton Rd. Anyway, I told Ricky he needed to know where I was because I was leaving with a guy I didn't know and if they needed to find my body, I was most likely with him when I was killed. So I left with Jimmy and we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We stayed up until 6am just talking, nothing happened... until after 6am. I know what you're thinking, oh Renee, you weren't a Christian so stuff happened right? No way... Sike! I totally made stupid decisions but I was 19, sewing oats is what they call it right? Anyway, I stayed over and we talked and decided that we would date. I know, this is a lot of information but I'm telling a story here and I'm honest about who I was because it's not who I am anymore. Oh and that part about dating wasn't completely true, we decided to get married. I wanted a commitment and I went in to it fully considering that if I wanted out, I could always get divorced. There were plenty of signs not to get married. I felt a lot of pressure because his family was so sweet and welcoming and just over all amazing so I figured it would make sense to just go through with it and deal with the consequences later. So, I wore a cream colored DKNY shirt (which I found a hole in that morning- sign number 1) and a black satin skirt I wore to prom (that had a newly broken zipper, sign number 2) and went down to city hall and got married. His sister and his brother in law were our witnesses. We had lunch and went home and that was it. Nothing special. His parents gave us some money. He said I would use it to pay off some debt but since we were married on his 21st birthday he used it to buy some bottle of Jack or something. He worked at a warehouse in truck trailers. I was working 2 jobs at this point. Still at LC and then one at the best job in the world CD Exchange. One day I came home and he told me he quit his job. I was so annoyed that I didn't want to be around him. I wanted a marriage with someone who could be trusted, who could trust me, who would discuss things before acting but that wasn't the case. How could it be? We knew each other for 2 weeks before we were married. So annoyed, I did this even more stupid thing, it's something I regret, it's something that goes against who I was raised to be and it's something that still hurts when I think about it, I went back to my ex, while I was married.  I am the reason why the marriage didn't work out. Sure, I could blame his drinking or any substance abuse but the truth was all on me. 

I told Jimmy I wanted to go hang out with my girlfriend and stay over. Ricky picked me up or I drove and went back to my ex. While on my way my windshield wipers still weren't working (since J -my ex broke them when we were still together) and I could hardly see but I still went. When I got to Woodlawn or Poplar I waited for the light to change. Instead the cross bars from the train tracks came down and flashing lights came on but there was no train (sign number 3). I went ahead anyway. I had called J before this meeting and he cried on the phone because I had been completely out of contact with him. He didn't know where I was, he didn't know where I worked, he had no idea how to find me since I moved out of my aunts house and in to Jimmy's. Some time before I met Jimmy I went to a psychic. I had wanted to do it for some time but I just hadn't. People can be so dense sometimes, not knowing about the doors they open when they mess with the darker side and black magic. Well the psychic said I would have some legal trouble, have a new address and I would get a large sum of money. I guess I believe Jimmy was all of those things because I did have legal trouble with J as I wanted to file a restraining order, I did move to Jimmy's house and my large sum of money could have been either the money from Jimmy's parents or my new job. Well, I stayed over a day and then went home and then went back to J a few days later and stayed in a motel with him. At some point someone was calling my name and it turned out to be Ricky but I swear to God my life flashed before my eyes. I thought, geeze, Jimmy found out and now we are going to die. J checked it out and Ricky was hanging out for a bit in the parking lot. There was a medical issue that occurred while with J and we went to the Dr. (no it wasn't anything crazy and I'm pro-life so no babies were harmed during the making of my 19 year old life). J wrote in my notebook about it and I stupidly went home to Jimmy and he found it. People who cheat are stupid sometimes, well they are stupid all the time but some times they are even more stupid then that, I fell in to that category. When he confronted me I was pissed off because he was trying to tell me he cheated on me but it was only to hurt me, I knew he hadn't. I stayed away for a few days and he told me that he told him mom. I was so ashamed that I decided to move out. She was so gracious and told him that we were young and to give me another chance and work it out but there was no way I could face her. The immense amount of shame was more than I could handle and I got all of my stuff and left. There were other reasons as to why the relationship wouldn't have worked out, I was so not a druggie or boozer so I was uninterested in actually being in a relationship where these things were present but it broke up because of my immature actions. 

About a year later I was back at SAC studying Mortuary Science. I was with J on and off but mostly on. Things were awful as they usually were because we were volatile with one another. At some point I had my friend Erika M. drive with me over to Jimmy's and ask to see Jimmy. I was ready for that divorce now. His mother answered and asked me to leave. Erika is pretty hardcore and gave her crap about it because she was being mean to me. So we left and I didn't get a divorce that day. A while later I got a call from Jimmy, I was on the highway listening to "The Groove is in the Heart" by Dee lite and was mid-verse when I answered the phone and shut it off immediately when he told me who he was. He was finally asking for that divorce. He said he had the paperwork and all I had to do was sign it. So he dropped it off to my other aunts house where I had recently moved to and I signed the paperwork and dropped it in his mailbox. A little while later I received the paperwork showing that we were divorced. He was having a baby which is as good a reason as any to get a divorce.

We had little to no interaction with one another for years after that. I still think it's crazy to have been married at 19 and divorced by 20 after only living and being with each other for 2 weeks. It was a horribly humbling experience and I regret a lot of those early 20's. Actually, anything from 18-21 and maybe even through to 22 are reasons why I love being a Christian. Thank GOD I am not being held under those sins. I'm pretty okay with sharing all of this specifically because I don't think too much about how people will judge me I guess. I'm certainly nervous about how people will view me but that was so 10 years ago and although it was a crazy time, I don't think too much about it these days. Also, I sometimes feel like I'm lying to people when I talk about being married now. Granted this marriage is entirely different but still, it's not my first. That too is something I regret.

So here are some things about Jimmy:

I really thought he was funny

I realized while listening to "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd that I no longer wanted to be married while sitting inside the car while he ran in to the mall.

He once put the windows down and locked them and put Mexican music up super loud so people would look at me, that was seriously one of my fondest memories and it was hilarious

He liked Chopped and Skrewed music, it was the height of it's popularity during that time

He mostly loved Alice In Chains and thank God he didn't get that tattoo of my name on his arm

He was a really great guy

He was really great at Baseball

Today I went to ask Jimmy if he would be up for catching up. We had done some light catching up on FB through messaging when he added me. He asked about me, my family and my life. We talked about his boy, his girl and his new wife. He mentioned wanting to move to Chicago. I told him about the cold and cost of living. He told me he was sorry about deleting me before but his wife was upset about me. I told him I understood and that his wife needed to come first so he didn't need to worry about me. I also told him that if she was interested in adding me to see that there was nothing she had to worry about, I'd add her. I guess she was mad or something because I realized when I went to send the message that he had blocked me. Good for him but a goodbye would have been nice.   

(Oh side note: one time while I was in the car with Ricky, he was mid-sentence when I started to say "It's not like God tried to stop me or send signs" when a splash of water from nowhere hit me in the face as the passenger side window was open. Yeah, so he tried to warn me and when I tried to lie God tossed water in my face.)

Listening to Ricky's mix he made me, I have no idea who is on it. Except Little Boot and Bjork - because I hate them. Also listening to Rasputina (because this is what I listened to while driving to meet Jimmy), Album: Frustration Plantation- specifically High on Life