High on Life

I'm caking right now so I can't really just head off to sleep. 

No caking is not a drug... it's the act of creating cakes...

So who should I write about? I think tonight should be about Jimmy. I'm using his name because I think I have that right. In fact, one might say I'm entitled. I was going to ask him about a follow up but didn't see him on the fb search or my feed. I had received a message from him about two months ago when he asked to be my friend.  It's been years since I spoke with him aside from his recent add but we have a history so it wasn't a big deal when I added him. We have added each other and deleted each other a few times and been in and out of each others lives for a pretty long time. 

When I met Jimmy I worked at Little Caesars. It was my first real job and after I graduated high school I moved back to Chicago. After two weeks of working at horrible Fairplay in Pilsen I decided to go back to Texas. I had this silly plan that I would move to San Antonio, apply to SAC and get financial aid, then get a car and work full time while going to school. I had no money except my measly $150 from Fairplay and luckily I was invited to stay with family while going to school. I applied for a scholarship and that whole plan I had, actually worked out. I paid $450 for my first car, a white 1985 Honda Accord Hatchback. I named her Darcy (after the bassist from the Smashing Pumpkins) Screech (because she needed new breaks and made noise when I came to a stop). It was an awesome little car and I drove to and from school and work. I worked at LC down the street from my great aunts house but my boyfriend lived way the hell across town. I can say that in hindsight the move was stupid but I learned a lot and I wouldn't take back most of it. I say most of it because there was some violence I would take back. For the record, I wouldn't take back any of the graffiti. In fact, if it wasn't a felony, I would probably still be in to it. I loved living 'on my own' in SA. A few days before Christmas my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. You know, the one I moved back to Texas for? It was a horrible break up because we had a tumultuous relationship and we're just so messed up together. When you think crazy girlfriend/boyfriend, we were it. I had a bit of a codependency issue so I just decided that I would date everyone who was interested. Ah yes, those were the daddy issues that would surface every once in a while. I dated a guy, then another, then another and then I met Jimmy. Mind you, I was probably still seeing my ex simultaneously but without the title "girlfriend" I felt like I could just do whatever I wanted. Jimmy asked for my number while I was at work and I was fine with giving it to him. He seemed nice, I was in between relationships anyhow and I remember him just being funny when he asked me for my number. I don't know what it is about young people but they're a little more free, not really giving a crap about anything they do or say. Almost like they have nothing to lose so why not?  Ricky and I went to the carnival and I met up with Jimmy and we just walked around. Little did I know that carnivals downtown were ghetto and for losers who were just trying to just hook up with people. I was with Ricky most of the night so it wasn't a big deal when I met up with Jimmy. I don't remember much about what happened, just lots of walking around I guess and a Ferris Wheel and some lights. At some point Jimmy and I went our separate ways and he asked if I wanted to hang out later while I was with Ricky. I said sure and Ricky and I listened to Rasputina as we drove down what I think was Malone or Theo or S. Flores. It was somewhere on the Southside. You know what, it was probably Pleasanton Rd. Anyway, I told Ricky he needed to know where I was because I was leaving with a guy I didn't know and if they needed to find my body, I was most likely with him when I was killed. So I left with Jimmy and we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We stayed up until 6am just talking, nothing happened... until after 6am. I know what you're thinking, oh Renee, you weren't a Christian so stuff happened right? No way... Sike! I totally made stupid decisions but I was 19, sewing oats is what they call it right? Anyway, I stayed over and we talked and decided that we would date. I know, this is a lot of information but I'm telling a story here and I'm honest about who I was because it's not who I am anymore. Oh and that part about dating wasn't completely true, we decided to get married. I wanted a commitment and I went in to it fully considering that if I wanted out, I could always get divorced. There were plenty of signs not to get married. I felt a lot of pressure because his family was so sweet and welcoming and just over all amazing so I figured it would make sense to just go through with it and deal with the consequences later. So, I wore a cream colored DKNY shirt (which I found a hole in that morning- sign number 1) and a black satin skirt I wore to prom (that had a newly broken zipper, sign number 2) and went down to city hall and got married. His sister and his brother in law were our witnesses. We had lunch and went home and that was it. Nothing special. His parents gave us some money. He said I would use it to pay off some debt but since we were married on his 21st birthday he used it to buy some bottle of Jack or something. He worked at a warehouse in truck trailers. I was working 2 jobs at this point. Still at LC and then one at the best job in the world CD Exchange. One day I came home and he told me he quit his job. I was so annoyed that I didn't want to be around him. I wanted a marriage with someone who could be trusted, who could trust me, who would discuss things before acting but that wasn't the case. How could it be? We knew each other for 2 weeks before we were married. So annoyed, I did this even more stupid thing, it's something I regret, it's something that goes against who I was raised to be and it's something that still hurts when I think about it, I went back to my ex, while I was married.  I am the reason why the marriage didn't work out. Sure, I could blame his drinking or any substance abuse but the truth was all on me. 

I told Jimmy I wanted to go hang out with my girlfriend and stay over. Ricky picked me up or I drove and went back to my ex. While on my way my windshield wipers still weren't working (since J -my ex broke them when we were still together) and I could hardly see but I still went. When I got to Woodlawn or Poplar I waited for the light to change. Instead the cross bars from the train tracks came down and flashing lights came on but there was no train (sign number 3). I went ahead anyway. I had called J before this meeting and he cried on the phone because I had been completely out of contact with him. He didn't know where I was, he didn't know where I worked, he had no idea how to find me since I moved out of my aunts house and in to Jimmy's. Some time before I met Jimmy I went to a psychic. I had wanted to do it for some time but I just hadn't. People can be so dense sometimes, not knowing about the doors they open when they mess with the darker side and black magic. Well the psychic said I would have some legal trouble, have a new address and I would get a large sum of money. I guess I believe Jimmy was all of those things because I did have legal trouble with J as I wanted to file a restraining order, I did move to Jimmy's house and my large sum of money could have been either the money from Jimmy's parents or my new job. Well, I stayed over a day and then went home and then went back to J a few days later and stayed in a motel with him. At some point someone was calling my name and it turned out to be Ricky but I swear to God my life flashed before my eyes. I thought, geeze, Jimmy found out and now we are going to die. J checked it out and Ricky was hanging out for a bit in the parking lot. There was a medical issue that occurred while with J and we went to the Dr. (no it wasn't anything crazy and I'm pro-life so no babies were harmed during the making of my 19 year old life). J wrote in my notebook about it and I stupidly went home to Jimmy and he found it. People who cheat are stupid sometimes, well they are stupid all the time but some times they are even more stupid then that, I fell in to that category. When he confronted me I was pissed off because he was trying to tell me he cheated on me but it was only to hurt me, I knew he hadn't. I stayed away for a few days and he told me that he told him mom. I was so ashamed that I decided to move out. She was so gracious and told him that we were young and to give me another chance and work it out but there was no way I could face her. The immense amount of shame was more than I could handle and I got all of my stuff and left. There were other reasons as to why the relationship wouldn't have worked out, I was so not a druggie or boozer so I was uninterested in actually being in a relationship where these things were present but it broke up because of my immature actions. 

About a year later I was back at SAC studying Mortuary Science. I was with J on and off but mostly on. Things were awful as they usually were because we were volatile with one another. At some point I had my friend Erika M. drive with me over to Jimmy's and ask to see Jimmy. I was ready for that divorce now. His mother answered and asked me to leave. Erika is pretty hardcore and gave her crap about it because she was being mean to me. So we left and I didn't get a divorce that day. A while later I got a call from Jimmy, I was on the highway listening to "The Groove is in the Heart" by Dee lite and was mid-verse when I answered the phone and shut it off immediately when he told me who he was. He was finally asking for that divorce. He said he had the paperwork and all I had to do was sign it. So he dropped it off to my other aunts house where I had recently moved to and I signed the paperwork and dropped it in his mailbox. A little while later I received the paperwork showing that we were divorced. He was having a baby which is as good a reason as any to get a divorce.

We had little to no interaction with one another for years after that. I still think it's crazy to have been married at 19 and divorced by 20 after only living and being with each other for 2 weeks. It was a horribly humbling experience and I regret a lot of those early 20's. Actually, anything from 18-21 and maybe even through to 22 are reasons why I love being a Christian. Thank GOD I am not being held under those sins. I'm pretty okay with sharing all of this specifically because I don't think too much about how people will judge me I guess. I'm certainly nervous about how people will view me but that was so 10 years ago and although it was a crazy time, I don't think too much about it these days. Also, I sometimes feel like I'm lying to people when I talk about being married now. Granted this marriage is entirely different but still, it's not my first. That too is something I regret.

So here are some things about Jimmy:

I really thought he was funny

I realized while listening to "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd that I no longer wanted to be married while sitting inside the car while he ran in to the mall.

He once put the windows down and locked them and put Mexican music up super loud so people would look at me, that was seriously one of my fondest memories and it was hilarious

He liked Chopped and Skrewed music, it was the height of it's popularity during that time

He mostly loved Alice In Chains and thank God he didn't get that tattoo of my name on his arm

He was a really great guy

He was really great at Baseball

Today I went to ask Jimmy if he would be up for catching up. We had done some light catching up on FB through messaging when he added me. He asked about me, my family and my life. We talked about his boy, his girl and his new wife. He mentioned wanting to move to Chicago. I told him about the cold and cost of living. He told me he was sorry about deleting me before but his wife was upset about me. I told him I understood and that his wife needed to come first so he didn't need to worry about me. I also told him that if she was interested in adding me to see that there was nothing she had to worry about, I'd add her. I guess she was mad or something because I realized when I went to send the message that he had blocked me. Good for him but a goodbye would have been nice.   

(Oh side note: one time while I was in the car with Ricky, he was mid-sentence when I started to say "It's not like God tried to stop me or send signs" when a splash of water from nowhere hit me in the face as the passenger side window was open. Yeah, so he tried to warn me and when I tried to lie God tossed water in my face.)

Listening to Ricky's mix he made me, I have no idea who is on it. Except Little Boot and Bjork - because I hate them. Also listening to Rasputina (because this is what I listened to while driving to meet Jimmy), Album: Frustration Plantation- specifically High on Life