Awake and Dreaming (Finger Eleven)

First let me start off by saying, I absolutely hate that last post. I hate everything about it. I hate how horribly written it was. I refuse to edit it because I don't want to look at it's stupid blog face again. Steven called me yesterday and I told him about the blog and the last post. I told him how much I hated it and how awful it was and his response was that I probably just hate the topic so there isn't anything I'm going to like about it. Touche' Steven, touche... but I still hate it.

I haven't spoken to Steven since I last saw him in October 2013. He lives in Texas. I visited with him for a little bit because it had been a while since I last saw him. I don't even think I was with Rick the last time I saw him so it's been at least 7 years. We have always kept in touch though. We have been in each others lives since we attended Lee. He was my second boyfriend. I don't even remember how he asked me out, probably all high school about it, via friends.

When I talked about Led, I discussed how much I was in love with him because of some other girl wanting his attention and then all the chemistry that he brought to the table after I spent more and more time with him. He broke my heart along with Erika's because he chose his gal over his friends. I will say my heart was invested but it was for the wrong reasons initially. When it came to Steven, I thought I was going to marry him. I was 16 and stupid. He was just a tad bit younger than me so that was weird for about 10 minutes but we all hung out with the same kids so there was no judgment. I hung with the weird indie goth crowd and he with the skaters (and stoners). These groups were the artists and musicians and everyone intermingled so naturally that we kind of all just got along with each other. Aside from that, most of my friends had classes with him and we all shared the gym for P.E. because they were doing construction on the building and the girls didn't really have a locker room for the beginning part of the year. I remember him doing Tae Bo, think a dorky lanky pasty boy. At about that time his friend Matt was telling him to go out with me and my friends were telling me to go out with him, which is why I remember this day in particular. I'm almost 100% sure that my first words to him involved me screaming "SOAD" because he was wearing a System of a Down shirt (all the time) and that's how we greeted each other for a good year before we got to know each other. Turns out music can bring people together so there we were. Our first date was Jack in the Box, he spent $30 (which was a lot at the time) on junky fried foods. His mom or aunt drove and we brought it all back to the house and he lit candles on the dinning room table. Our first concert was Alien Ant Farm and if we had stayed together we probably would have gone to see Weezer but alas, just like the White Stripes, we broke up. The relationship went really well, as well as could be expected for high school kids and although I don't remember much except heartbreak, I do remember the word fun. We had a great 5 months. Around 6 or 7 things fell apart in a horrible way. I was love sick and just - ugh, it's embarrassing how desperate I sounded in letters I sent to him. What's that? Oh, yes, of course I sent letters, it was high school. I hate the way I sound in letters, half of it is almost always over romanticized and the other part is just not very articulate. I literally have conversations with myself in letters. UGH MY BLOG IS A GIANT LETTER!!!!! Now, I bet you're thinking, "Renee, how do you remember your letters? How do you remember sounding desperate?" Well, Steven called me a few days ago because he found a box of letters that I had written to him. YAY for hoarding! Judging by the tone of said letters they were at the end of the relationship or well into the breakup phase and all I could read was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!

After months of not speaking to each other he called to apologize for being a stupid teenage boy. He went on about how sorry he was that he ruined everything and that he ignored me and random other things people are sorry about when they hurt someone they care about but this happened almost 14 years ago. I explained that I had gotten over it and he shouldn't be sorry because we were kids pretending to be young adults who were just being stupid. He continued in a very genuine fashion to apologize anyway. We really did have a nice relationship and we had a great fun chemistry but I think because he hasn't really met anyone quite as loyal or invested as I was (especially according to those letters), he reverts to thinking of a better time. It's easy to think of how great a relationship was when you have nothing great going on. I conjure up amazing times with old friends I'm not friends with anymore or the great times with the abusive ex-boyfriend but ultimately, things take their natural course and I'll always think we are better friends then partners. I don't like being the mold that he will compare other girls to because first loves are illusions, I don't think they're realistic. Maybe I'm a cynic but I think there is a lot of bliss in the innocence and ignorance of being a teenager that won't compare to the wisdom you gain through your adolescent and young adult years. He's had serious relationships but none of these gals were amazing people- I mean once you have had perfection, who can compare?  and I've always been the one to tell him he could do better but for a long time I don't think he really believed it. The girls he went after were pretty but geeze they were immature and crazy. I still remember the first girl he talked about after we broke up, and I even think they dated but my response was "she wears too much makeup and she's a hoochie", his mother laughed at my description. These girls he met over the last few years were me 15 years ago but older and with real baggage or in some case children and horrible ex's. I don't even know how he met these girls, I guess until right now I never thought to ask but he was invested in these relationships and most of these girls were trash not good people. I say this out of love because even though I spent a lot of time being broken up over how he dumped me when I was 17, I now treat him like a very close friend and in some cases like a brother. I've never had any delusions about our friendship and how it may seem to other people but we still just get along and I forgave him a very long time ago so for me, the apology was nice but I think he forgot about the apology he gave me 5 years ago over the phone when he was heartbroken and I said something like "good, now you get it".

When we were kids I was overbearing and obsessive and jealous and codependent. When we grew up I was still most of those things but had a lot more life experience and was better able to at least pretend to be less of those things. We were passed the hard stuff and we were friends and I was happy to be that but at some point I felt like I had to specify where I stood. So, I literally sat him down and told him that I could probably love him but I could never trust him. He broke my heart. And even though nothing happened between him and X while we were together, his eyes and heart did wander and I could never allow myself to be second to anyone. I've always had these weird little hang ups, maybe values or something along those lines. Erika and I devised rules about dating, specifically, the idea about never breaking up with someone just to get back together because if you are going to break up it better be for a good enough reason. Or in this case, being second to someone else. There isn't a second, there is only a first and if it wasn't me now, it wasn't going to be me in the future and I was going to make sure of that. So when I had this conversation with Steven he knew I was serious because both of these rules had been broken. Don't get me wrong, had I been in a healthier state of mind when I was just a tad bit older and mature I could have probably worked it out with him but it just didn't happen and we have such a great friendship now that I don't feel it would have added to our friendship. In fact, it probably would have been irreparably damaged to the point where I might not be writing about him now.  The same night I told him it was never going to happen, we hung out, had pizza and were best friends who had a sleepover and watched movies.

**** Side story about who we were**** I remember one night before Thanksgiving I slept over and one of his friends slept in the arm chair in the same room. It was innocent so get yo mind out tha gutta! The next morning when his friend slipped out to the kitchen where Steven's mom and her best friend were prepping food for the big meal the song " I Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Co. came on and we took full advantage of us being alone in the room. Nobody knew we were awake so we started banging on the headboard with our hands and his mother threw the door open and rushed in. The look on her face was priceless. She yelled at us as we laughed hysterically and started getting ready for the day. That is still one of my favorite memories of us. At that time we had been broken up for a few years but his mother loved me and probably still hopes that I will marry him someday.

Many years ago when Myspace was in full swing (damn myspace), I found and added his girlfriend (like a creeper). When I visited town a few years later he blew me off. When he and his girlfriend broke up he did seek me out and apologize. Luckily for me, Led had already taught me the lesson that girlfriends are first but I did tell Steve, I thought it was stupid and if he ever pulled that crap again, I probably wouldn't remain his friend. So, we were friends again. I was relieved to hear from him the other day because as always I try to shove Christ down his throat but I was also happy to hear that it wasn't an emergency phone call like the passing of his mom or a pregnant girl which I immediately questioned him about. Steven would sometimes call me on his birthday or when things were good or randomly when things were crazy. I once remember he called me when his mom's boyfriend died. Since I hadn't spoken to him in months I kept his number, removed him from fb and just kind of anticipated an emergency phone call so it was a huge relief when he explained why he was calling this time. Such was his signature to call me when important things would happen and this was really good for us and for rebuilding our friendship. I called him when great things would happen for me too, to let him know I was getting married, when we were having a baby and he was one of the only people I called when I went through that nervous breakdown sea change in September/October 2013. He gave me whatever advice he could and we discussed hanging out when I got to Tx. He was going through a rough time so I thought it might be a cool idea to get away to a beach or something and just hit the road. We had a plan but it fell apart because we weren't organized and although we were friends on the phone, in person is was weird and awkward and there seemed to be a strange darkness that was present. We hung out in his living room while my boy watched Daniel Tiger on the giant screen tv and discussed the horrible happenings in our lives. Then I took my kiddo home to nap and said bye and didn't hear from him until just the other day. As soon as I got back from TX last October, I took him off of my fb friends list thinking that he and I were just not the same friends we used to be and I didn't want that darkness around me. Turned out he was incredibly depressed and the isolation he was going through wasn't helping which is why he was so awkward, or at least that's how he explained it.

Steven told me he had forgotten about the letters and didn't remember what they said. Even reading them didn't jog his memory but the conversation I mentioned about us never getting back together, he remembered that. We discussed why I had such vivid memories and remembered every detail about our relationship when it soured and tried to figure out why he could hardly remember anything. It could have been the pot and then the years of partying he did but I think I remembered every single detail because it was my first real heartbreak in a relationship. It was the only time in my life that I have been dumped. It was painful and it was torturous; I lost 15 lbs that summer, best summer ever!!!! I think the breakup didn't mean quite as much to him so he didn't bother to store those memories. But the conversation we had, where I told him there was no going back it must have resonated because he remembered it vividly; it was a memory he stored.

** Alright so like always, as I write, I am looking up music. I had made this mix back when Steven
and I were dating and there is a song missing by Bush. So I was looking up other songs by the band and came across this haunting song "Out of this World" and lo and behold I remember all of the lyrics and it brought back a dull sadness. I was supposed to go to a concert with my friends but was grounded. I had a chance to see Steven or go to the concert. I chose Steven and missed the concert. We broke up pretty soon after that. I still regret missing that concert. Also, there are some lyrics " So we move, We change by the speed of the choices that we made, And the barriers are all self made, That's so retrograde". I wrote this poem called "The Retrograde" that year. It was published in the Lit Mag at school...I still think it's a pretty dope poem. The word Retrograde... the word itself is almost an idol. It's something that comes to mind at the worst times in my life. Thanks Bush and Thanks James Blake. I did find the song I was looking for after all, it's called "Inflatable". **

OHHHHHHHH Hey Guys!!! Remember the Hardcore band Thursday?! Yeah, me too! They don't sound so hardcore anymore... Listening to Thursday " Understanding in a Car Crash". Oh man I just looked up and listened to Phantom Planet-"California". This is when music started to get light and change...

Listening to Weezer: Hash Pipe. Also listening to System of a Down, Silverchair- "Untitled", Bush- "Out of this World" and "Inflatable",  Finger Eleven - Awake and Dreaming. The Church "Under the Milky way"

Listening to The Stokes, Album: Is this it?, specifically the song Someday because it's me and in one of the letters I included the song lyrics which I have included below:
"alone we stand, but together we fall apart" ( I actually misquoted here and said "The longer we stay together, we fall apart")
"Darlin', your head's not right"
"Oh, someday I ain't wasting no more time"

Read more: Strokes - Someday Lyrics | MetroLyrics