Novelty. She's Lost Control Again. (Joy Division- duh)

I keep listening to The Zombies. They're just so stinking catchy. This was originally titled "She's Not There" but then I started listening to Joy Division and we all know how that turns out.

Today I was sad to hear about the death of Robin Williams. His death is looking like a suicide which is horrible to hear. He was so talented and gosh I wish I would have learned more about him while he was alive. I will be spending a lot more time catching up on movies he was in as well as checking out his stand up. I'm interested to see Mork and Mindy because I've heard so much about it but I'm not sure that I can handle silly comedy as much anymore.

So I thought, with this blog, I would discuss a business person on my blog that I know quite well, myself. Hey, I know it's cheating but technically I am friends with my business page on fb. I've got other people I wanted to write about and have been hanging out with a few people but this seems like a fitting time to discuss some of who I used to be.

Sparrow and Manna Logo made by Krista R.

I don't like to listen to some music because the emotions that come out with said music are kind of scary. The attachment to some music is very real and very deep and can literally take me back to a time when I was an entirely different person. Or maybe, I'm afraid that the person I once was, is still kind of lingering.

You hear these stories about addicts and people with mental illness who lead full and productive lives and then one day just go off the deep end. I'm in Christ but I'm also realistic and if I ever felt like I was collapsing into who I was, even a tiny step back into who I was, I immediately change my thoughts and do some reaching out. It doesn't happen so much anymore but as I mentioned, I don't listen to some music because I don't want to revisit those thoughts or feelings. Tonight, I'm listening so I can write. Playing with fire, perhaps. But I'm being careful and plan to take breaks when I feel overwhelmed.

-And that was fast... I just started listening to "The Crystal Ship" and immediately broke down. It's a very sweet song. I used to listen to it on repeat. Not sure if this is a Led thing or just a pain/depression thing. Whatever it is, I've already sent an email asking for prayer. So, I changed how this music is going to be played. I'm adding things that don't bother me and taking breaks revisiting other parts of the blog. It gives me an emotional break and a chance to edit- yay!!!

Ok, so now, I'll start with this, I absolutely 100% hate suicide. I hate when people play victim too but let me be clear that I don't hate actual victims. I understand a victim mentality because I've been it but I think that as adults we have a particular responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can. Although not all situations are easy to escape, especially without help or education, I like to think that at some point there has got to be a health
y way out. I used to be pissed off about a friend of mine, maybe I'm still upset because I miss her and I wish circumstances could be different but they are what they are and there is nothing that I can do about it except pray. She was an adult and she was educated and had tons of family support but I saw her deteriorate into some former shell of herself because of the relationship she was in. She would leave and go back because she didn't think she could do it on her own. She had a very humble up bringing and I love her very much but it was an unhealthy relationship and I couldn't watch anymore. I'm probably a jerk for not sticking around, some might say a 'real friend' wouldn't desert their friend in an abusive relationship but I try to be realistic. She was an adult. She knew what she was doing every time she went back and she said she was still in love with him. Maybe if it was just her I might have been able to do it but she let that crap be around her kids. When it affects the kids, that's when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe she loved him and was scared to leave, she didn't have a job and he was pretty awful to her but I believe she loved herself more and that made her decision. I'm of the frame of mind that people need to put kids first. You don't have a job but you have kids, better find one. The kids saw the way he treated her. They saw her clean up the vomit from his long nights of drinking while he sobbed on the living room floor after tossing her around at 2 am. Her oldest child was acting out in many different ways and she was still concerned about her relationship status. I can't condone this. I felt guilty for being acquaintances with someone who knocked her around because I had been through it (note, I was never really knocked around, just kind of pushed, choked, took a few body shots... hmmm... ok maybe I was). I took everything that she went through personally because of what I had gone through. I didn't want him around me, let alone my kid. I didn't want my son to see her come over and cry to me because she was leaving, again, "this time". I hear that they are doing better. Maybe he went to counseling but I'm not okay with abusive people being in my life. Sorry about the rant and sorry if I'm a jerk, I know a lot of this sounds harsh but I need to make a point that I can't put up with stuff like this. Also, this was actually supposed to be about suicide, not how I hate when people go back to abusive relationships. See what happens when I change the music.

Ok, back to the point of this whole thing. I spent a lot of years depressed. I mean like from the ages of 12-21 and a brief period when I was 28. I could even trace it back to around 9 years old if I really sat and thought about it. Hilariously enough, that was about the time I really got in to music. It wasn't everyday and certainly there were happy times but even when I was in good relationships I was probably still depressed. Some of it was not fitting in school and being bullied which I didn't really consider until recently. Some of it had to do with family issues specifically being uprooted a few times and finding my grounding in Texas but more of it had to do with the state of mind I was in along with the very unhealthy combination of music. I was heavy in to Nirvana, Hole, Korn, System of a Down, Depeche Mode, Joy Division, Fiona Apple, Franz Ferdinand, The Smiths, The Cure, Stained, Tool,

Marilyn Manson (how cliche of me) and Nine Inch Nails. Geeze, with that list I'm lucky I made it out alive!!! Anyway, did I want to die? Yup. Did I really want to kill myself? Yup. Were my attempts real? None except 1. Do I regret any attempts? Nope because God can use all of the bad for good. Do these issues come up? Nope. Not really. I haven't cut since I became a Christian. It was actually a vow I took. I take vows incredibly seriously (now) and especially before God. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about these things since being a Christian but the moments where I thought about it were fleeting and I thank God for that. I can say that if I think about it for to long and if I hadn't made that vow, I would probably still cut. It's a feeling expressed on the surface. For a brief time I considered tattoos and scarification because it would probably wouldn't bother me in the least but I know it would fall into a vanity thing and I would be doing these things for the pain, not the fun of getting a tattoo or graven image on me. So, this is why I hate suicide, I tie it in to cutting all of my years of depression. It's exhausting for me to go back to that place and think about any of those years. I mean, poor sweet Erika would come visit me in the middle of the night when I told her I was suicidal. She would comfort me and almost nurse me back to a healthier state of mind and then go back home. See, she's always been destined for social work hahaha. I have notes from friends in high school saying "it will get better, please don't cut yourself anymore" and I was once slapped in the face

 when I started cutting by a friend of mine. That was 7th grade. Oh, did you want to hear about the one real attempt? Well, I was at my ex-boyfriend's house in TX. He was out with friends at a concert. I was on the phone with a friend from work just chatting as I took a handful of pills. I was done with all the BS that was going on. We were always fighting and I was just done. At some point as I was taking the pills I literally couldn't take them anymore. I immediately felt like my throat was closing. When he got home I was half conscious and then we fought some. Hit in the head with a phone (a real phone, not a cell phone), Check! Pushed around, Check! Hair pulled, Check! At some point he said he was sorry and I went to bed and woke up with my ears ringing. I have never felt so sick in my life. Nothing came out of anywhere, I wish it had but nothing. It was merely in my system. We fought some more when I started to get ready. I walked to his mom's house down the street in the pouring rain and took a cab home across town with his brothers money. His brother was incredibly abusive to his girlfriend (see this is why abuse shouldn't happen around kids!!!!!!!) and he was super nice to me and gave me some tea. I tried to call in to work and wasn't able to because the shop wasn't set  up to do that, have call in's. When I got home, I was drenched, I was weak and I left a pile of my soaked clothes by the corner of the couch where I was sleeping. I took a bath with piping hot water and this was the second time in my life that I noticed my body wasn't warming up. It was still cold after the super warm water. My coworker picked me up for work as I spit out the window the entire way. I went to the back of the store, on the clock, and lied on the floor for a few hours. Eventually my co-worker wanted help and I came up front. I was supposed to go back but ended up working the rest of the shift. I asked him to get me some cheesy bread from Peter Piper next door along with an ice cream and sprite and I was better. I honestly believe that Christ didn't let me consume anymore pills because I would have died. I also believe he put it in my heart to eat that crap to help soak it up. For some reason it just felt like that was what I needed to eat so I did and was better.
 
When I think about the last time I bought razors I can remember it vividly. I was at an HEB and I cut myself in the parking lot. It was another day of fighting and I cut myself in the car. How incredibly pathetic and desperate. I couldn't wait to get home, it had to be right as soon as I opened the damn package. This continued for a few months. I was always great at hiding my arms. Jelly bracelets went a long way and it helped that I wore the same green army jacket for about 4 years. Now, I care less about my arms (except the fat part of my arm- gross) because stuff has faded pretty well but sometimes I consider buying Bio oil just to see if it works after all these years. I think I'll be most ashamed when my kid sees my arms and asks questions and it will be a difficult conversation but if we've raised him in Christ, it should work out alright. Communication is key and I'm sure as hell not going to lie to my kid. I just hope he doesn't deal with the same issues I dealt with as a young person.

So I guess most of the things I hate are because I have or I have known someone who has experienced whatever it was I hate. I don't like suicide because it reminds me of who I used to be. Kind of weak. Kind of lonely. Mostly depressed and sometimes just bored. It also is a reminder that I am very human and although I am humbled by the experience, I absolutely hate thinking about it. There is so much more I could talk about here and I realize some of this is choppy but I'm exhausted and it's 2:44 AM.

Remember that super sweet list of songs I loved and couldn't live without? Here are the list of songs I absolutely hate:
Most things by Korn
Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" and " Something I could never have" - really truly I hate these songs, I cringe when I hear them.
I hate hate hate some Smiths songs but I also have a love/hate relationship with some so it's a toss up- specifically "There's a Light that Never Goes Out"
 A lot of stuff by Depech Mode - Thanks Ex-boyfriend! Really happy that I let you ruin my favorite band... you can't have Joy Division, well...
Joy Division "Love Will Tear Us Apart"

Talk about heavy. Go read your bible and don't be too brought down by all of this. Had I not gone through all of this I would not have given my life to Christ. Also, I will be able to use all of this fantastic life experience to edify God although most of this blog was pretty self serving today. In the future, I will have an opportunity to help other people who have dealt with these issues and hope to bring people to Christ with my impeccable honesty.

*Remember I was not sorry for swearing a few posts back? Well I was watching a youtube video of Fieldy from Korn talking about Christ and found the way to say "half-assed" without swearing! It's "half-hearted". I'll probably still swear but not so much on here :)

Listening to:
The Doors - "The End", "The Crystal Ship". Duran Duran - "Save a Prayer". Korn "Falling Away from Me", "My gift to you".  Elliot Smith- Albums: Figure 8, Roman Candle. Fleetwood Mac- "Big Love", "Rhiannon", "Little Lies" (I was only able to listen to 5 seconds of the intro.), "The Chain".
Flyleaf "The Kind" She Wants Revenge "Sister". Joy Division. The Smiths. Hole "Miss World"

Listening to:
The Dresden Dolls - "Mandy goes to Medschool", Eazy - E- " Boyz-in-the-Hood". Telecast- "The Way". The Zombies "She's not there"