All Mixed Up (311)

Every single time I hear this song I think of Nicole. No matter what conversation I'm in, no matter where I am, this song reminds me of Nicole. In fact, any 311 song or Smashing Pumpkins songs (she had the box set, LUCKY!!!!!!) remind me of her. When you are a kid and start listening more intently to music, you tend to relate things to situations and time periods. We were probably in 6th or 7th grade when the above mentioned song came out.

It's been a little bit since I've blogged. I've been seeing people and working and haven't had much time to blog. I haven't heard from Harry and I still think about Led but it's pretty easy for me to remember the good times and less about the loss if and when he comes to mind. That weird sadness is gone. Yesterday I was cleaning out the drawer in my room and found the funeral cards. I kept them there and will find a place for them and read them when I feel ready to do so. It's weird because I know it's there and I know he's gone but it's still a little numb. I will say, although I haven't seen him for years, it was nice to remember who he was and how funny he could be. I think I've dealt with his passing in a positive way and although slightly morbid, I'm glad I was able to talk about him and use this blog as a platform and giant push to see friends I hadn't seen in years.

Two weeks ago I hung out with a person who, just like Erika, is like a sister to me. Her name is Nicole Michael (yes Michael, after her father) Galvan. She and I go pretty far back and I have about a million memories and stories about her. Sometime a couple weeks ago, we got pizza, went to Target, went to Whole Foods and we saw a condo that she put an offer on. A few days ago she told me that the offer was accepted for the condo. While I was away in Texas as a teen she and I kept in contact. After high school she left to college at Marquette and studied to be a teacher. I'm not really sure what her dream job is now but she is currently a manager working at a major chain drug store where she has worked for over 10 years and she seems to be pretty happy there. So, here is Nikki/Kiki/Niko/Nicole (Nic-ohhhl). Totoro!!!!

 We met in Kindergarten. Her parent's sat next to my mom because we had the same last name. She called me a traitor when I married Rick because we would no longer be synonymous with one another through our last name. The first conversation I can remember having with her was when she asked me if there was vomit on her because while we were sitting on the colorful alphabet rug in class, another kid projectile vomited. There was no vomit on her and we became best friends.

Through the years we did a lot together. Her grandmother babysat me after school for years. We were Brownies and Girl Scouts and as we got older we went to the same after school program. If she didn't eat her lunch, she would share it after school and only eat the bread while Christian and I would share the turkey. I'm pretty sure it's the reason why I like Sarah Lee Honey Turkey (Her dad's cooking is probably the reason why I like the spaghetti sauce I like). We were in Basketball, Track, Writer's Workshop and a lot of the same classes over the next 9 years. If you can believe, we even chose to go to summer school at UIC one year and were way ahead of our class the next year. The year after she went alone because I wanted my summer.

Yeah I took a pic with a camera to avoid scanning. I'm pretty impatient. 

At some point, I'm not really sure when but I have an idea that around 6th or 7th grade she had succumbed to peer pressure and began to share some of the stuff she talked about with me to other people. She was a kid and I didn't know until about 10 years later when she apologized for all the crap she did or said in a really long letter/birthday card. I didn't see any point in being upset about it but I'll have you know that all of the stuff I went through, with bullying and the like had been a spawn of the information she shared. Turns out, when I quit sports I was and she continued, it was kind of a growing period for us. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back, she was probably a  jock and I surely was not. I hated sports and remained in the writing program and excelled there but while she was going away on trips and had opportunities to talk with other people, I was hanging out alone or in a new clique learning about other things and listening to music etc. The crazy thing is aside from the time she handed over my notebook page where I had a heart and my name and some boys name to his girlfriend, I can't think of anything else she was directly associated with. I'm sure there was stuff I didn't realize had to do with her at the time but she listened to my issues with her friends and still remained my friend. Maybe I was kind of blind to it or I just never considered it because she and I were so close. Nicole, if you're reading this, I'm going to punch you when I see you but I'll still make you that chocolate cake I owe you.

In the picture below I am giving the best presentation of my life about Egypt or Mesopotamia. We had to make a game show and the three of us at the table were contestants. There was a bell on the table just like Jeopardy and instead of sticking to any outline of what we planned on doing, I kind of messed around and it ended up being my first (but hopefully not only) improv sketch and it was amazing. I had the entire class laughing and honestly, the last question, I had no idea what the answer was supposed to be but after a few tries we eventually guessed correctly. I'm on the far right in red, Nikki is right next to me. The guy next to Nikki is Trevor who was my best friend from Kindergarten through 2nd grade. He once gave me a gold necklace with Minnie on it and he had the other half that had Mickey. He was the first kid to have Jordans. You know, the white and blue ones with the clear gummy sole? That was my best friend. We saw Mighty Ducks together at the theater. We also saw Space Jam. He and Nicole were my best friends. I think he left at the end of that year. A few years later he came back to our school and was an incredibly sarcastic jerk. The guy at the podium is Christian, he was with me and Nikki during our after school program and we were all really close. I haven't spoken to him or Trevor for about 15 years and I know they are on fb but I haven't befriended them. (Side note: I just "added a friend" for Trevor)

A picture with my best friends in 7th or 8th grade.

Nikki at work circa 2002

When I got back to Chicago after converting to Christianity, Nikki was one of the first people I wanted to hang out with. We had kept in touch through high school and college so it was great to see her. She was once an accomplice to a theft I was associated with in high school but that's a story for another time though (Sorry Diane, you can question her about it later). Nicole mentioned an outing for the school we graduated from and invited me and a few other people. I had the car so I drove us all there and back. It was awkward because I was kind of the black sheep of the class but I was welcomed with open arms from one of my favorite teachers. I was so welcomed that although she hugged Nikki first, our teacher yelled something like 'I missed you Renee' and I stole Nicole's thunder. I went to Pride that year. We went with her family members, had breakfast and I had a chance to see my brother who was at the parade. That was the last time I went to Pride and again, although my estranged brother is on FB, it was the last time I saw him.

Nikki and I would hang out from time to time over the next 10 years. She visited me and Noah and brought him the book "Once Upon a Potty", it's a little graphic if you ask me but it was a sweet gesture. She also brought him a slew of clothes at some point.

And then completely out of the blue she stopped talking to me. We went almost an entire year of not talking. I would reach out and call her out on FB. I asked her mom about her and she would follow up with Nikki about me wanting to get in contact with her but Nikki just wouldn't talk to me. At some point she answered or texted back or I threatened to never talk to her again or something happened and we set up dinner. As soon as I sat in her car I hit her. Then the car door hit me so it was like we were even. She paid for dinner (and the giant Sangria I couldn't finish because I don't drink enough) and we discussed the goings on in her life and she apologized. She explained that she was going through a rough patch and just closed off. We had a similar issue with a friend of Rick's so I was no stranger to this type of behavior but it was weird coming from her. I expected more from her and I was hurt that she walked away. For the entire year that we didn't talk I hated her girlfriend. In fact, even though she said her girlfriend had nothing to do with it, I still didn't like her. They are no longer together and I feel for Nikki but I'm happy that I never had to meet her now ex-girlfriend. Last October I thought Nikki started falling off again when she wasn't responding to my texts. When she did this I called her and told her I didn't have time for this crap anymore. I was at the point in my life when I was 'cleaning out' people from my life (not just my usual FB clean out). She quickly responded, explained that her phone was being crazy and that she was very invested in the friendship. And thank God for that because I was falling apart at the time and needed to know she'd be there if and when I needed her. So far, she's been there but I still get panicky if she doesn't respond, wondering if she is going to do it again, just up and leave and ignore me forever and I won't have her in my life anymore. It makes me sad to think about it (It also helps me to better empathize for my husband even if I didn't like his friend, it's still hard to lose a friendship that you were in for 20 years). For some reason, I just don't get tired of her company. I think we did grow up very close and had such a sisters like bond that I basically just treat her like a sister. I call her on her crap, put her in weird situations when I coupon and make her cart me and my son around. When we were kids her parents treated me to Aladdin on Ice... how could we not be sisters? Plus, she works weird shifts so she's one of the only people I can randomly text at 11 at night and receive a response from and have entire conversation with.

Also, I'd like to add, I started this blog a few weeks ago and edited and edited and corrected and edited and it still came out sassy. I edited it again today 9/5 even though I published it at around 1 am because it lacked tact and I made Nikki sound like a jerk. I mean, she is a jerk, but no more than anyone else is and I wanted to make that clear. She did some awful things, things she apologized for and things that all of us have done. Let this be a lesson to you, gossip is BS. Don't talk behind your friends backs because you never know if they'll go off and start a blog after 20 years of knowing you and call you on yo' crap!

This was from the original post I started a couple weeks ago:
What a day! Did the http://www.alsa.org/ Ice bucket challenge, helped surprise Jess for her delayed 30th birthday dinner and spent a lot of my day with Nicole. I will say, that right now, I just called the pup in to the computer room because I've missed her today.
She didn't come to me.

So I spoke with Steven and thought maybe I should add a little more. I think by trying to be indifferent to how I used to feel and to avoid sounding like a floozy I may have been a little cold. I didn't mean to sound like a jerk if I did, I just need to make it clear that we are friends and that's it. He has always been incredibly respectful of my relationships and especially so of my husband but I do have some guilt for keeping ex's in my life.

And because I read the lyrics and Nikki is going through a hard time I'll leave this "You've got to trust your instinct, And let go of regret, You've got to bet on yourself now star, 'Cause that's your best bet"
311 - All Mixed Up Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


Listening to 311 - All Mixed Up,
Also listening to Tool, Stained and Limp Bizkit in preparation for the Nick post.

Listening to Depeche Mode- Barrel of a gun, Enjoy the Silence, It's no good.